Parent pain. It’s been often said “there is no pain like parent pain”. I haven’t experienced or even witnessed every type of pain the world has to offer so I guess I can’t be a truly objective judge but I can say that parent pain is real.
But it’s not the kind of pain we moms and dads want to talk about. For a myriad of reasons, I suppose. Fear. Pride. Fear of being misunderstood. Pride that wants to protect our image. Probably those are at the root of much angst over this pain but I honestly believe that most of our silence is because we have no desire to speak ill of our children. Even when they are grown and flown, we retain a desire to believe the best and certainly say the best about them to others. Guarding their reputations, not wanting to pour gasoline on the fire of pain, we keep it to ourselves. If we are lucky, we can share it with our spouse, the co-parent absorbing the blows of rejection or criticism or dishonor from those we gave our lives to so gladly. And in most cases, continue to do so.
My husband and I have experienced the sacred privilege of listening to some of that pain. Whispers at first, just a “casual” admission of hurt. We’ve seen that little crack of secure, non-condemning group conversation widen into rivers of grief and hurt as others realized they were not alone. What is there to say about parent pain? I don’t know. I am not qualified to have an opinion (but those who know me also know that a lack of qualification doesn’t usually prevent me from having an opinion!!). But I have stood by and watched too many of my friends grieve alone while a child decides they are “toxic” and that “no contact” is necessary for their “personal peace”. While there are admittedly some extreme cases where distance is called for (addiction), those are much more rare than today’s climate seems to portray. `Increasingly, I see cases where so-called therapists are convincing adults that their upbringing was not what they deserved and therefore can be blamed for any and all undesirable aspects of their lives. And when you add a spouse that wants to attribute fault for the normal shortcomings in their marriage to that equation, the results are devastating. Common parenting flaws become “trauma”. Attempts to reconcile become “controlling”. Their own sibling rivalry becomes the fault of the parent’s alleged favoritism. Mature and honest conversations are displaced by harsh criticism and kind communication is shuttered, ignoring texts and invitations. Parents are left with a boatload of hurt…and feeling like there is no way to process it, much less find restoration.
Even when the relationship is not completely cut off, I have witnessed what I can only label as “dishonor”. Not responding to texts (and I am not talking about daily bombardments of communication - I am referring to occasional reaching out, with a question that needed an answer or an invitation that required a response). Lashing out harshly when a genuine misunderstanding took place. Cancelling long made plans in favor of a pop-up invitation from friends. Consistent “choosing” of the in-laws because they offer more appealing vacations. Criticizing behavior without a shred of the grace they themselves receive. No acknowledgement or gratitude for the years and resources invested in their lives. One friend told me that she bites her tongue when her daughter talks about the pain her childhood inflicted upon her because she really wants to tell her that the hurt goes both ways .But she keeps silent because she is afraid of being categorized as “no contact”. Another friend told me how she was so happy when her college kid chose to join a church small group on her own but that eventually that group of so-called Christians had convinced her child that her parents could not be trusted and that she should distance herself from them. One woman I know is not allowed access to her grandchild because she is “toxic”. Y’all, I have known this woman well for forty years and I assure you she is NOT toxic! And I expect I will always remember a group conversation with some 30-somethings (whom I consider a blessing in my life) when they told me the most important thing about grandparents was free childcare and great trips. I am still swallowing hard years after that one.
I am not sure why I am writing this post. I really don’t have any “advice”. I guess I just want to process what I am observing. And I’ll admit that it scares me on a personal level - I fear that I might not be exempt from this pain. Goodness knows I’ve given my kids some reasons to be hurt with me and I would love a do-over on more than a few parenting decisions!
I think, in this processing, I want to tell hurting parents that they are not alone. Way more fellow parents are hurting than social media would have us believe. I also believe that the Prince of this world is behind such division and pain. The Enemy of our souls hates families - all families - because the family is God’s picture of His relationship with us. He also knows the blessings God promises for the generations of the faithful (notice Scripture never requires perfection - just faithfulness!!!) So The Defeated One seeks to destroy us by isolation and division and fractured relationships. He wants to paralyze us and accuse us and render us ineffective for God’s kingdom as we rehearse our (assumed) failures and withdraw from service in an attempt to not only cause further damage but especially to protect our hearts from additional wounds. And He wants to prevent our children from the blessing God promises to those who honor parents. So I want to remind us that this very real battle, this battle that leaves serious damage, is not to be won in the visible realm. We MUST fight for victory FROM OUR KNEES. And we must not do it alone. Best case, we have a spouse who is wielding with us the only offensive weapons we have -Prayer and the Word of God. But we also need truth-telling, compassionate, non-judgmental friends to come alongside us. Friends we can admit our hurt to and know they will not condemn our kids and they will also tell us where WE are wrong.(Underscore this point - we must not waste this season by failing to let God show us what He wants to do IN US. Maybe we don’t “deserve” this pain but if God places us in a sifting season - see Luke 22:31,32 - then we must realize that SOMETHING needed sifting ) Friends to comfort us, exhort us, and help us find the way to make things right. Restoration. Blessings. Generations of faithfulness.
So, I am offering to be that friend for you. If you are in the grips of parent pain alone, if you would like an ear, a shoulder, a prayer partner, reach out to me chamfam@bellsouth.net. No judgment. Safe listening. No spreading of stories. I am here for you.