What is a Mother?

repost in honor of Mother’s Day

A Mother is the heart in which God conceives a child, regardless of the womb that carries it.  The dream, the love, the child.  The child to be protected and fed and comforted and guided, no matter the age, by a Mother's love.


Often, the title "Mom" is bestowed on the one who birthed or raised you but sometimes, it's for the one who nurtured you spiritually.  Might be one and the same, might not.  Both apply.


When God made man and woman, He said He made them both in His own image. That means that God has "mommy traits", not only "Father" ones.  The tender, gentle, comforting love of a Mom is a mirror of God.  So is the fierce, self-sacrificing, determined protection.  And the ability to see the potential for good, the possibility of greatness, the promise of God in us.


On this Mother's Day, I pay tribute to all Moms everywhere, to the calling of Motherhood itself.  The highest and most sacred of all works - being a Mom. And probably the hardest.  The pain of labor and delivery.  The physical exhaustion that newborns impart.  The depletion of patience and order and brain cells (Mom's!) that occurs in  the toddler stage. The heartache of a disappointed child that is exponentially experienced in the Mother. The fears of the "what if's" in the teenage years. The demands of multiple children and different phases might cause an observer to question if it's all worth it.  Especially when the realization dawns that being a Mother is forever.  This is a job that's never completed.


Yes, I would advocate that this is the hardest job in the universe.  It takes its toll on one's body and mind and especially one's heart.  Certainly there can be "no pain like parent pain". But I believe with all my soul that there is no joy like that of a Mom.


Unequalled.  Indescribable.  Worth everything.  And then some more.


Knowing that baby 9 months before anyone else but God.  Sharing space more intimately than any other human...sustaining life.  Experiencing a corner of God's unconditional love for us when that newborn is placed in our arms - deep affection and steadfast love for someone who has done absolutely nothing to merit it.  This tenacious bond changes Mom and child forever.


The years reinforce that bond with each new word spoken, every new skill taught.  The light in the child's eyes when Mommy walks in the room, the clinging arms around her neck pleading against even momentary separation.  The intimate understanding of what each sound means...even the silent ones. 


The bond strengthens.  With every hug and a thousand bedtime kisses and countless bandaids on boo-boos.  And not in spite of but because of the messes cleaned up, the fevers survived, and the tantrums endured.


The bond intensifies.  The dandelion bouquets. The handmade cards and refrigerator pictures.   The pride in feats accomplished. The traffic tickets.  That first crush.  The burden carried to ease the pain of the invitation that didn't come or the race lost or the betrayal by someone dear. Flowers from a florist - and without a reminder from Dad.


And the bond grows so substantial that you think severing it will destroy you.


But, you watch in amazement at the metamorphosis. Without this adaptation, surely you would die.

This connection that binds you inextricably to this child changes miraculously to allow detachment, parting, growing up.  The unyielding links that years of sustaining and training and loving have forged morph into a taut bow that sends its arrows into the world to make their mark....


But that bond never breaks.  Never ever ever.


Happy Mother's Day, my friends.  Forever.

Parenting Adult Children

repost

I'm still on the parenting theme but I'm branching out. 

Now that I have  more of my children in the "adult" stage of life than are in the "training" phase, I realize how much my role as parent changes through the years.  I am struggling to get it right, stumbling frequently, but trying to successfully adapt (and to jump back and forth into the proper role I am to play for each child and their perspective stage - the challenges of a wide age spread :)  )  As hard as those early years of parenting are (and I do think they are hard!), these later years have at least as many stringent demands.  Before you hand in your parental resignation, let me assure you that the joys far outweigh the troubles!  But just be aware that, whether you realized it or not when that pregnancy test came back positive, you signed up for life.  Parenting is a task that is never completed....it just changes forms.

I've often quipped that if I were to write a book about this phase of parenting, I would entitle it "Teethmarks on my Tongue".  If there's one thing I am learning, it's that I do a better job the less I say.  That probably applies across the board in my life..........oh well.....

I'll acknowledge right up front that I am hardly qualified to hand out any advice on this subject (my family is now rolling their eyes amid yelps of laughter that this has never stopped me before!).  But more than a couple of my friends have suggested I tackle it.  So, I asked for their input, observed some folks that have healthy relationships with their grown kids, and pondered some things that I've seen create imbalance and angst in families. Here's what I came up with....

As kids move into high school, college and certainly beyond,

the task of instruction is largely

completed

.  When parents fail to grasp this, the young adult can become either unhealthily dependent (and thereby remain immature and poorly equipped to succeed) or emotionally distant in the relationship (resenting the parent's failure to recognize the changing role).  Granted, this adjustment is not easy but it is critical that we strive for it.  Absolutely crucial.  And once we move in that direction, it becomes easier and quite enjoyable.  All these years we were not supposed to be a "buddy" to our kids and now we can!

Three ways to cultivate the relationship in this chapter of life:

1. 

Encourage

them with your support

Support that is manifested with words and actions.

 Words:  As one of my comrades puts it, be a cheerleader. Applaud them (specifically and genuinely - not just "You're awesome" ) No one ever gets too old to need to hear commendations, especially from a parent.  Encourage them with your words.

Actions: While I don't think "support" should be financial, there are other actions that communicate your encouragement.  Be there when they ask for your presence.  Make home a haven. Serve them when they come for a visit.  (Speaking of which, don't demand -either outright or via guilt trips - that they come home for holidays or anytime.  Make home such a refuge and source of encouragement that they come of their own volition!) Babysit those grandkids so their parents can be reminded of why they got married in the first place.  Encourage them with your actions.

Note:  "support" does not have to equal "agreement".  You may not agree with every choice but you can still provide support.  You might turn out to be right....or you might not.  The important thing is that your children know you are

for

them.  Oh, and when you have kids that love you and value your approval, be aware that what you intend as "input", they might view as "insistence".  Be careful. (Teethmarks, my friend, teethmarks on the tongue....)

2.

Empower

them with your confidence

Acknowledge that, while they are forever part of your family they are now their own entity.  Contrary to popular folklore, you don't gain a son when your daughter gets married.  You gain a SON IN LAW.  They are a separate unit from you.  Release them to be independent by communicating your belief that they are

capable

of being independent.

They're gonna make some mistakes. It's ok.  Really, it's OK.  Don't try to insulate them from all bad decisions.  Let them know they are free to make choices and succeed at  some and fail at others....and that you think they are good enough to make it at this thing called "LIFE".  We bestow a priceless gift when we let them know we are confident of God's grace IN THEM and their ability to appropriate it successfully.  Perhaps our best parenting moments are the ones when we tell them we have no idea what they should do but that  we know they will figure it out.  I'm not saying we refuse to give counsel

when asked.

  I'm just saying that our certainty that they will make it infuses an awful lot of courage at those times when doubt is banging loudly on their door.

And, if you've sufficiently encouraged and empowered, you'll have the opportunity to

3.

Enable

them with your wisdom

The training time has past.  But there's always time for counsel.  If they ask.  Gently, humbly, affectionately share your wisdom.  Share some of the things you've done right but more so the wisdom you've gained from things you've done wrong.  Powerful counsel, those things we learned on life's field trips.  May God grant that we earn this place of influence in the lives of our kids, that we might spare them those kinds of field trips.

And, finally, most of the time, just be quiet and smile.  Teethmarks on the tongue :)