Discipline - Part 3

Discipline - The effective equipping of a child by a parent for successful living.


I suppose someone other than a parent can discipline a child but God makes it clear that parents are the ones responsible for it. 


Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Hebrews 12:7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?
Proverbs 19:18  Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death
Deuteronomy 8:5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.
Proverbs 3:12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.
Proverbs 29:15 A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.

Lots of things to notice in these verses -
Parents discipline children because they love them.  If we fail to discipline, it's as though we contribute to their death.  (See Proverbs 19:18 again)  Conversely, a parent that's willing to discipline imparts wisdom to the child.  And wisdom is the key to a successful life.  REAL success.


I shared in the earlier post that discipline has four components -
Instruction
Training
Correction
Result


All four components involve "goal".  Which leads to the question - "what is the goal?"


The foundational goal of discipline is to teach the child to obey until they can learn to discipline themselves.  And what is obedience?



Obedience is
Doing what you're told to do
When you're told to do it
With the right heart-attitude


If any of those aspects are awry, it's not obedience.  Doing part of what you're told to do is not obedience.  Delayed obedience is not obedience.  And doing what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to do it but screaming all the while is not obedience.


Children need to be instructed that obedience is comprised of all these parts.  They must be trained how to include all three.  Set that as your standard of obedience. And set it early.


In our home, the standard is God's Word.  That's what we strive to obey and to have our children obey.  All directives flow from that.  When God's Word is your authority, the child sees that you both are to submit to it.  This prevents a dictatorial approach to parenting.


There are an awful lot of instructions in God's Word so it helps me to simplify things down to what Jesus said  in Matthew 22:37-40 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments


Love God. Love others.  That's what our lives are to look like.  That's the goal for our kids as well.


Instruction - explain what obedience is.  And, yes, they can comprehend this when they are little.  Oh yes they can!  Their little hearts know the difference between putting the toy back in the toy box and throwing it across the room.  They know the difference between waiting a few minutes before responding.  (Note - DO NOT COUNT.  When you tell your child to do something, do not count to 5 or whatever before expecting compliance.  I know AWANA does this but that's helping a large group transition from loud to soft.  Don't do this with your child.  If you do, you are training him/her to wait until #5 to obey.  The goal is immediate obedience.  The reasons should be clear - their life can literally depend on it some day) And their hearts know the difference between lying still for a diaper change and kicking Mommy  in the face.  They know.
 
Training - explain (more than once) how to do what you are requiring.  Instruction makes it clear what the standard is and training shows how to reach it.  For instance, we required very early that our children speak to people.  To look them in the eyes and speak.  To answer when spoken to, without mumbling.  We set the standard (which did not include "shyness" as a reason not to speak to people)  and then we demonstrated how to do it. Literally, we practiced answering questions (including answering the phone!) and greeting people.  We reminded  the children of the standard before encountering an opportunity to demonstrate obedience and then we expected them to comply.  If they didn't, we refused to excuse them by claiming they were shy (because not speaking to people is rude, not shy).  Instead we might say something to the other person like "we're still working on this" and then lift their precious little face to look at the person.  We didn't belabor the point and make everyone uncomfortable but you can be sure we revisited that moment when we were alone with that child.  After a few training sessions and real life opportunities to put it into practice, we didn't keep training.  It was time for correction.


Correction - Correction should be gentle but decisive.  I will do a whole post on this component of discipline so I won't go into a lot of detail here.  Just to remind us that correction is different than punishment because the purpose is clearly to remove things that hindering the reaching of the goal of obedience.  To reform the wrong actions into the right ones.  If we do a great job of instructing and training, the need for correction is reduced.  But it will not be eliminated.  Kids have the same bent as their parents - to do things their own way!  Our job is to straighten out this bent so that our child will respond in obedience.  Correction of any behavior that falls short of obedience is essential.
Results - The result of discipline is wisdom.  Whether or not the child has responded to your discipline will be evident in his/her life.  (Note:  the response of the child is up to him/her, not the parent.  This is very important!  We parents are so prone to guilt if we perceive the child has not "turned out right" but their response is not up to us.  We are only accountable for parenting, not responding)
If, by God's grace, the child matures into a disciplined adult, the result is oh so very sweet.  Not just for the child, who gains wisdom, but also for the parent.  Oh how sweet it is! 

Last night (I promise I am not making any of this up!!!) I received a phone call from one of my adult children.  In that 10 minute conversation, she thanked me profusely and specifically for the training she received growing up.  She was grateful for being trained to speak to people and honor them, to serve others even at someone else's house, and to be cheerful and friendly even when feelings of insecurity and intimidation threaten to eclipse good manners. She thanked me for spanking her when she didn't do these things!!!!!!!!!!  I am serious!!!  This kid is about to graduate from college with numerous honors to her name, a great job to head to, and the accolades of scores of folks she's shown God's love to through the years.  And she credits her success to her training.


I credit it to God's grace and her response.  And I am on my knees in praise.












Wednesday's Word - guest link

Today I want to introduce you to a cyber friend of mine - Jill Hill.  She is a beauty all the way through!!!  Jill has a great blog called SHINE Girls and you need to check it out. I can relate to her posts - she reaches my heart! - and I think you will find the same is true for you.


Wednesday's Word - Help me to believe - by Jill Hill








http://www.shinegirlsshine.com/2014/04/help-me-to-believe.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FoQLzc+%28SHINE+Girls%29

Discipline - Part 2

Discipline.  The effective equipping of a child by a parent for successful living.


It takes a lot of time.  It takes a lot of energy.  It's hard. 

But it is definitely worth it!


Just as an athlete enjoys a sweet feeling of accomplishment upon crossing that finish line, so does a child...and a parent....relish the rewards of discipline, of effective equipping. Parenting isn't a sprint - it's a marathon.  Actually, it's a series of marathons, one right after the other! Hebrews 12:11 warns us that it will be hard - For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  So don't be surprised when you feel like quitting.  Don't give up because it seems like it's not working.  Hang in there.  The results are worth it!


Think about discipline having these 4 components - each one is contingent upon the other: 


Instruction (impart knowledge/explain goal)
Training (how to reach goal)
Correction (remove hindrances to goal)
Result (reach goal)


1.  Instruction 
Not only is this aspect of discipline crucial, it must be first.  Whether it's how to hit a tennis ball or a command not to run in the street, instruction must be preeminent.  Of course it must be age appropriate and I am not suggesting that parents owe an explanation for every edict, but instruction must be given.  It must be clear and it must be communicated.  What are the expectations, what are the "rules", what are the goals. Repetition, reminders, refresher courses...instruction. As in "Betsy, we're about to have lunch with Daddy's work friends.  Let's remind ourselves of the things we need to do....."  First step of discipline - instruction


2.  Training
Instruction is the "what" and training is the "how". Here's how to reach the goal set out in instruction. Here's how one answers the phone.  Here's how one behaves in the grocery store.  Here's how to treat a sibling and an authority and a friend.  Here's how to obey.  Clear instruction flows into intentional training. Explain.  Show.  Go through it with the child.  Just like it helps to hold the baseball bat on top of their little hands and swing it with them to connect to the ball, so we train. I am grinning thinking of the many training sessions on so many subjects at our house - from how to answer the phone to the steps of obedience.    Second step of discipline - training.


3. Correction 
Correction isn't punishment.  It's adjusting the course, removing hindrances to the goal, fine-tuning performance.  While it may involve pain, what distinguishes correction from punishment is the purpose. Correction of whatever is preventing success. When an athlete has a habit or a form that impedes accuracy or victory, it needs to be corrected.  Same for kids.  If you observe behavior that needs modifying, first ask yourself if the steps of instruction and training have been sufficient.  If not, then regroup and provide those.  Then correct the error.  In a later post, I will discuss methods of correction.  But for now, know that the purpose of correction is to remove anything that impedes the reaching of the goal.


4.  Result
The fruit of labor.  The reward.  The result of receiving instruction, of being trained, of making the necessary corrections.  Or not!  Either the goal of desired behavior is reached or the errors along the way prevent it.


As a parent, know that discipline is time-consuming.  It can be wearisome.  There will be temptation to take the easy route.  But if you will be consistent (not perfect) and patient, the result will be sweet.  The peaceful fruit of righteousness.  Oh, how it's worth it!


Discipline.  Either we pay the price now and enjoy the reward later.  Or we consider the cost too great now and pay for it later.  The cost goes up exponentially over time.  In fact, I'm not sure we ever recover what was lost by not disciplining early and effectively.


This verse often encourages me when I am tempted to give in or give up - Hebrews 10:36 -
 For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised
 
Just gotta smile.  God's extravagant efficiency -- while I'm training my kids, He's training me!!

Discipline - Introduction

This topic probably generates more interest and creates more division than any other parenting issue.  How to discipline.  What to discipline.  When.  Where.  Why. I would love to present an authoritative post that would settle all angst and answer all questions.  I'd really love to read one like that!  Actually, though, I resist such an approach on most subjects and especially this one.  I really think that parents largely have to figure stuff out for themselves.  And I think that can be a healthy process.  If somebody insists that their way of discipline or educating or any other aspect of parenting is "THE WAY", I don't even bother to listen.  Nobody has a monopoly on figuring this thing out.  I won't even apologize for not being an authority - I'm just a sharer.  I like to share ideas and approaches and let you decide how to adapt them for your parenting process.   Let's take a step back and get a broad view....






First, what is discipline? 


All too frequently, discipline is boiled down to "how do I punish my child for wrongdoing".  That is way too narrow a definition.  Think about how we use the word - "He is such a disciplined athlete", "If I were more self-disciplined, I would not be late so frequently" ,"Sociology is a fairly new discipline", etc. 


Here's how GoogleSearch defines "discipline"


noun
noun: discipline
  1. 1.
    the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

    • the controlled behavior resulting from discipline.








    • activity or experience that provides mental or physical training.

    • a system of rules of conduct.

  2. 2.
    a branch of knowledge, typically one studied in higher education.


    synonyms:field (of study), branch of knowledge, 
 
verb
  1. 1.
    train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience




2. train oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way.






When we consider the definition of the word, we realize that "punishment" or even "correction" is an extremely insufficient application.  And since parents are instructed to "discipline" their children, we must surely understand the task.  Here are just two of about a gazillion things God says about parents and discipline.....



 Proverbs 3:11-12: My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Proverbs 19:18   Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death

Over several posts, I will share some thoughts, ideas, and resources about discipline.  To close this one, I will leave you with a definition of discipline as it relates to parenting:


The effective equipping of a child by a parent for successful living.
 
 


There you have it.  Discipline, ChamFam style!
 
 
  1.  

Parent pain - postscript

Just wanted to add a little to the guest post on parent pain.  My friend is too modest to tell you about all the things that she's done right  - perhaps pain blinds us all to that.  So I felt the need to follow up with some things I've observed from her life and from others going through things like this.  I know there are differing views on how to handle "wayward" kids so feel free to disagree with me.  I am certainly not an expert - just an observer. And a friend to those in such crises.  What I have to share is simply some conclusions I've drawn from these experiences.  Not an iron clad promise of results.









1.  Principles, not preferences
What I mean by this point is that we need to be sure that what we are so grieved about is truly worth being grieved about.  Is it a matter of principle, of conviction, of absolute right and wrong?  Or is it really a matter of personal preferences?  For instance, if my teenager decided to indulge in premarital sex or alcohol, this would definitely be a matter of principle.  This is clearly wrong and I would respond decisively.  (Note I did not say "react dramatically" but rather "respond decisively".  Big difference)  A lot of other things really might be a matter of personal preference instead.  Even if they feel like matters of principle.  Things like hairstyles or clothing choices or dating decisions mostly fall into the "personal preference" category. Things that we can afford to overlook or bend on.  For real.


If we as parents are wringing our hands or issuing edicts or altering our parental relationship, let's be really really really sure that the matter in question is one of principle.  Not personal preference.  I believe very strongly in standing by convictions.  Truly I do.  Not compromising on things that we stake our life on.  Not at all. And I think we can be justified to define our convictions, share our principles (and the reasons behind them). It's just that I am inclined to think that we oughta have relatively few things in that category....and even when a kid is trampling our principles, we can still respond with love.












2.  Perspective
This is such a powerful concept.  Oh my goodness, it's potent.  Perspective means that we can see somebody else's point.  (Note:  seeing does not have to mean agreeing -- just means that we can see it!!  The ability to do this is like an indelible stamp of validity.  Not having it, well, relationships without it are trite, weak, and ineffectual.)  Having perspective means we value the other person enough to try and understand (again - note that I didn't say "agree") what and why they feel as they do. This might be called empathy.  And it's a game changer.  Trust me.








Perspective also means that we possess enough wisdom and maturity to take a long view.
 Maybe, just maybe, some of the things that we parents get hyped up about really won't matter in the long run.  What a kid does at 15 does not necessarily have to define them.  (Unless, of course, the parents blow the whole thing up and ruin the relationship and the kid never is allowed to move past it.  Then it surely would define them) Parental memory can be a tricky thing -- seems like we either conveniently forget all the mistakes of our past or we so fearfully focus on trying to be sure our kid avoids every single pit we fell into that we lack perspective.  Guess what - no matter how perfectly we try to parent, our kids are gonna make some mistakes.  Perspective helps us - and them - be OK with that.  In fact, some of the most powerful bonding possible can take place as we help our child learn how to get up after a fall.






And perspective means that our response to things we consider crises is not over the top dramatic.  (For me, it means I just need to take a chill pill.) Some of the greatest possible damage can be done when we react in earth shattering ways.  Before you encounter one of those heart-wrenching parenting moments, purpose right now that you will take plenty of time to consider your response before you act.  And spend time and energy right now to fill your heart up with love and wisdom and gentleness and grace and mercy so that, when you get squeezed, that's what will come out.




Oh, and in case you're getting this info after you've erupted and damage has been done, there are things that can be done to repair the devastation.  Admission of wrong (yours), asking for forgiveness(theirs), and correcting the course.












3.  Preserve the relationship
Above all else, preserve the relationship.  Yes, I know about tough love and church discipline and I am all for it.  But I believe with all my heart that the times to employ those are rare.  And I believe that the best thing a rebellious kid can have is the assurance of a parent that loves them no matter what.  Not agrees with their choices but loves them in spite of them.  I don't think it means you let them do drugs or sleep with their boyfriend in your home (back to "principles" - #1).  But neither do I think it means you ignore their birthday or forbid your other kids from contact with them or exclude them from family times.  For crying out loud, what you want is a chance to influence them for good and it's helpful to have time with them to do that!! Christ is our example.  He never overlooked or excused sin but He sure made it a point to hang out with the sinners.  And I am so thankful for that!


If your kid is currently turning his or her back on all you hold dear, I know you still love them....but they might not know that.  Be sure they do.  Use words and actions and whatever else at your disposal to tell them you love them.  Kindness goes a long way to healing hurts.  And the hope is that one day he/she will come to his/her senses and you'll be in a position to positively impact them.  If you don't preserve the relationship now, that day's likely never gonna come.






And, it's just my opinion, but I don't think that prodigal son would've come home ever unless he knew he'd be allowed to stay.














4.  Prevail
Don't quit doing all the things you know that are right and good.  From enjoying your other children and your friends to exercise to hobbies to just plain living life - keep on keeping on.  Don't let a parenting crisis derail your life.  One dear friend of mine shared with me that parenting through these storms really wears you out.  One of the thing that has kept her going is that she and her husband are "on the same page".  What good advice.  What really good advice.  So many times I've seen a crisis with a child wreak havoc on a marriage or the other children.  Do whatever you can to guard against that. Go see a good counselor.  Talk things out with a close friend. In private. (I personally don't suggest making your kid's issues a matter of public knowledge for everybody and their sister to gossip about but that's just my opinion). But don't retreat into a shell and forfeit all the good around you.






Never never never give up on your kid but don't let this crisis define your existence.  The rest of your world needs you.














5.  Pray 
This one's a no-brainer, right?  Sure.  Except that it's not.  We can often fall into the trap of doing everything we can think of except that.  We should all tattoo this truth onto our hearts - we are powerless to change people.  Only God can do that.  Talk to Him about it.  Often. He's on your side.  And your child's side.  You don't have to beg Him to act - He wants what's best for your child even more than you do!  Just pour out your heart to Him.  Cry out to Him.  Lean on Him.  Continuously. 


  And, what we often find, is that prayer changes us as much as (if not more than) it changes the situation.  Or the other person.










If you're in a parenting crisis of any kind,  my heart breaks for you.  If you want to confidentially tell somebody about it, I'm here.  I'll listen.  And pray with you and cry with you and hurt with you.
And, I'll believe for you until you can believe for yourself.