When God's plans are different than ours - Guest post

Today's guest post is from a treasured friend of mine, a woman whom I saw walk through years of infertility.  Years filled with hope and disappointment, years of pain and promise, years where she could have turned bitter but she didn't.  This woman graciously agreed to share her story for God's glory.  I wish you could sit across the table from her and share a cup of coffee.  She is so dear to me, and to many others.  She's my hero.  Here's her story......

Several weeks ago, my sweet friend asked me to write a blog about my struggle with infertility.  Honestly, this has been challenging for me and it’s probably not for reasons you may think.  I am happy to share my story with others when Jesus leads me to share.  My struggle is that I simply can’t remember all the details.  God has truly erased so much of the details from my memory.  Perhaps it’s the exact thing that happens with women who forget the pains associated with childbirth.  Here’s what I do feel led to share and my prayer is that my story will reach the hearts of those who are currently struggling with infertility. 

When I think back to my “infertility years,” I vaguely remember the countless medical exams, procedures, blood work, shots, ultrasounds, surgeries, etc.  At the time, I thought I’d never forget a single detail but in God’s goodness, He lessens those memories more and more every year.  Sometimes I think of it as a “graduation present” from Him.  He certainly allows seasons of trials in our lives and I believe He rewards us once we are where He wants usJ  What will always be part of me is the loss my husband and I went through.  We miscarried many, many times.  Some babies were farther along than others.  Some had heartbeats and I’d get so excited, but could tell from the doctor’s face that the heartbeat wasn’t fast enough or strong enough.  Sure enough, I’d miscarry a few days later.   I believe God allows those memories to stay with me as a gift….through the strength of Jesus, I am not only able to empathize and sympathize with ladies in similar situations, but I can truly relate to all their emotions as they go through their journey.  

God changed me though my infertility years.  I learned to be patient and content.  I learned that He makes the plans, not me.  I learned to seek Him, not medical experts.  I learned that He loves to surprise us when we least expect it.  I learned that He forgives and keeps after us even when we don’t deserve his mercy or grace.  Blogs are intended to be short so I won’t give examples for all of those, but I sure have a list of examples if Suzanne ever wants me to write on one of thoseJ  At the time, I was young in my walk with the Lord and you couldn’t have convinced me that God meant my infertility years for good, but He did.  He used every second to mold me into a more Christ-like person. I also believe He used every tear, every heartache, and every detail to prepare my heart for how he would grow my family. 

God grew our family through adoption twice and through a gestational carrier.  There was a time when we thought we may not have children and now we have three.   He blessed us with more than we ever thought possible.   I know some of you reading this are thinking, “That’s easy for you to say because it all worked out!” Please know this, it didn’t work out….not how WE planned it.  God had something bigger, greater than we ever could have imagined.  Our family worked out because God’s planned prevailed!  Glory to His name!  Praise Him for loving us so much that he didn’t allow our plans to work.  We are so thankful that God, in His perfect timing, put up roadblocks when needed so that we could not veer from His perfect plans for our lives. 

Lastly, I leave you with this.  I will never understand the “whys” but what I did learn along the way is that it’s not ok for me to ever question our Heavenly Father.   Some things will not be revealed to us this side of heaven.   As believers and daughters of the King, we must accept that and not dwell on it.  We must accept it knowing that our Heavenly Father only does what is good for us.  As hard as it is and as sad as loss can make our hearts, we need to stay strong and find peace knowing that we will meet and get to know our unborn children in Glory.  There are days when I can hardly wait! 

Please join me

^{Please join me in praying for those kidnapped young girls in Nigeria.  Please pray.  Fervently.  We serve a mighty God and I know with all my heart that He does not want them to remain enslaved.  Please pray until they are returned.}

Waging the war....successfully

I promised a follow up to the "war is a good sign" post.  Here goes.


Indeed, the presence of a struggle between flesh and spirit means that the Spirit is alive in you but the point is not to abide in the struggle....the point is to win.

You may be saying "yes!  I want to win!  But I've tried and tried and tried and ______ is still a problem in my life.  I still lose my temper, I still battle obesity/pornography/alcohol, I still am jealous of others, I still......... whatever....I keep losing."
The struggle - between my flesh ("self") and the Spirit.
   When my flesh is in control, it convinces me that I am owed certain things (like comfort, security, significance, pleasure) and when those things are not delivered as I expect, products like worry and anger and jealousy and impurity and strife are produced.  John Piper calls these "works of the flesh" - " emotional attempts to settle accounts because we didn't get what we thought we deserved".  My flesh is awfully convinced that I merit far more than is actually true, and often, more than I am getting.


The Spirit, on the other hand, produces life.  Galatians 5:22,23 describes the results of a life dominated by the Spirit instead of the flesh: " love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control"


Duh, I choose "Spirit".  How bout you?


I want to, I really do.  And I'll bet you do, too.


How can we?

I don't have "three keys to successfully dying to yourself". Even if I did, our flesh would probably refuse to read them!  Our flesh or adamic nature or "self" is quite stubbornly intent on running the show.
But I do have some good news.


First, the reality. 
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do (Galatians 5:17)
 and 
 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.  For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being,  but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.  Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
(Romans 7:22-25)


Next, the good news for the Christ-follower:
Our flesh has been rendered powerless. 
We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin (Romans 6:6)


But wait, why does my flesh continue to cause me problems if it's been crucified???


Our flesh has indeed been dealt a mortal wound.  Piper describes it as  "dragon that resides in the cave of our soul" and " It is a mortal wound. It will die. That is certain. But it has not yet bled to death, and it may yet revive with violent convulsions and do much harm. So you must treat it as dead and seal the cave as a tomb. The Lord of darkness may cause earthquakes in your soul to shake the stones loose, but you build them up again. And have this confidence: with my sword and my hand on yours this dragon's doom is sure, he is finished, and your new life is secure."


So the dragon called flesh can bellow loudly and order us around....but we don't have to comply. 


Know that, once we are in Christ, we never have to sin again.  Anytime we "fall" to anger or impurity or jealousy or any other product of the flesh, it's because we chose to.


Seriously.  We chose that sin.
Over peace and kindness and purity and joy.


Last, the tip for how to make the right choice.  Which results in the desired product.
Quite simple, actually.

 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace (Romans 8:6)


The way to live a life that is characterized by love (for God and others) instead of a life that cherishes self...walking by the Spirit instead of according to the flesh....is a result of


Our mindset.


When we set our mind on the truth and value of the Spirit, the result is life....love...peace...joy.


But if our mind is instead focused on pleasing and satisfying and rewarding our self, the result is death.


Choosing to set our mind on the Spirit is what Scripture calls "dying to self". 


What does this look like when we are in a struggle with our teenager or our toddler, when there is a clash between the will of our spouse and our own, when it feels like a nap or the entire bag of Oreos is what the only thing that will make us feel better?


We choose.
 We can give in to the demands of the flesh by agreeing with it that we deserve whatever our flesh is suggesting.
Or we can direct our thoughts to what God says is true.  That He supplies all that we need in Christ Jesus.  That He only gives good and perfect gifts to His children.  That it is  more blessed to give than to receive.  That we can do all things through Christ.


Simple, yes. 
Harder to do, yes.
But the more we exercise that muscle to choose the things of the Spirit, the less we listen to the dying demands of our flesh, the more we get to enjoy the fruit that the Spirit produces.  

The problem with parenting....and all other challenges

One of my most fav readers commented to me after the last post(advice from a couple of pros - see below)  that the actual tasks of caring for small children might not be hard in themselves, but dying to yourself is.  


That woman is spot on, I think.  Very wise.


Her insight led me to today's post -


What makes parenting (at any stage) difficult? Why does it feel like a war with the ones we love the most?
It's not the war without....it's the war within.


Our spirit vs. our flesh.
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh; for these are opposed to each other, to prevent you from doing what you would  Galatians 5:17


But wait - before you sigh in disgust, "oh great it's all my fault" and quit reading, give this a listen.  The war is a good sign.


I'll get to that part in a moment but first let's examine "desires of the flesh".  At first glance, it's tempting to read that and think we are exempt if we aren't guilty of public drunkenness, pornography addictions or extra marital affairs.  While those things do fit into the "desires of the flesh" category, there's a whole lot more in that box.  Believe me!
What does our "flesh" desire?  What IS our "flesh"?  Here's how John Piper defines "flesh" -it does not simply refer to the physical part of you.  The flesh is the ego which feels an emptiness and uses the resources in its own power to try to fill it. Flesh is the "I" who tries to satisfy me with anything but God's mercy.
So that longing for personal comfort (sleeping for as long as I want to or not having to experience emotional angst over sibling squabbles), that quest for personal pleasure (all the golf/reading/whatever I can get in or all the Oreos in the pantry), that yearning for significance in the eyes of others (through the car I drive or the successful children I spawned) are all desires of the flesh....human attempts to fill the emptiness of our souls.


These desires are incompatible with the "desires of the Spirit" (the desires to know God, to honor and obey and delight in Him above all else). That's why I say that this "war within" is a good sign.  If there were no struggle, that would mean the flesh is completely in control.  And that's not good news at all.


Parenting (and marriage and relationships at work, in the neighborhood, and at church) is the battlefield on which the war is waged.  It's not the war - it's just where it happens. When my flesh vs spirit struggle clashes with that of my child/spouse/neighbor, it can result in great carnage but remember that those relationships are not the war....just where it happens.  That means the enemy isn't your child, your spouse, your boss, or your neighbor....and it's not you, either.  It's the flesh that was dealt a mortal blow but doesn't know it's dead that's the enemy.  Flesh that doesn't want us to obey the command to love God with our whole hearts and to love others as much as we love ourselves....and our own comfort and pleasure and significance.  Flesh that opposes every effort we make to live according to the Spirit, our new nature.


Flesh that is doomed to destruction.  And next time, I'll share some thoughts on how to walk by the Spirit so that we don't carry out the desires of the flesh.


And maybe there'll be some tips that we can apply to marriage and parenting and all other challenges, uh, relationships.


For now, take heart.  The hard part of parenting is designed to render the greatest blessing - a life led by the Spirit....the path to joy and peace and blessing.  Hallelujah!

Advice from a couple of pros

I was enjoying my conversation with this "seasoned" Mom/grandmother. She's raised a bunch of kids to adulthood and is now enjoying a crew of grandkids. Now that I fit in both categories, I figured we'd share some insights.  Launching into the "Moms of young kids have it tough-those early stages are so hard-my heart goes out to them" spiel, I waited for her to share the sympathy I was extending as tribute to all the Moms of little ones that I get to do life with. 


Instead she said "It's not that hard" without batting an eyelash.


I back-pedaled, explaining that I remember how hard it is to lose sleep, decipher frustrated babbles, chase perpetual motion, and press through the irony of feeling isolated when you never have a moment alone.  Here's a summary of her thoughts -


Take a chill pill.  Women have been raising kids since the dawn of time and it's just not as hard as we want to make it.  Sure it's serious business and it's the most valuable job in the universe but, relax.  Buck up, actually.  It's not that hard.


Forget trying to impress others with your FB pictures and "pinnable moments" and just play with your children.  Get your big girl panties on and "look well to the ways of your household".  Quit the whinin'.  Train those kids to obey - without losing your cool - and enjoy them.  Every single stage will pass and each one will have unique joys and challenges.  Don't act like it's impossible to function pleasantly  without sleep and be tough enough to outlast your toddler's tantrums....cheerfully. 


About halfway through her comments, I decided to forego my planned lament about how hard it is to parent adult children!


I reflected.  And recalled a conversation with one of the wisest women I've ever known.  She's long since gone on to collect her reward for surviving a whole handful of children and living victoriously through some marriage AND parenting storms that have leveled plenty of other strong women.  I wanted to know the secret.  Hoping she wouldn't give me the Sunday School answer, I crossed my fingers for some practical advice.


She delivered.


Teach the kids two things - in order of priority -
1.  To persevere patiently
2.  To serve cheerfully
We need to develop the muscle of perseverance in our children so that they can face difficulties and doubts and despair without crumbling.  Let's be honest - at some point, they are going to wonder if the faith they've been taught is the truth...or worth it.  Their marriage commitment is going to be tested.  They are going to be hit with, at best, disappointment, and at worst, devastating loss.  Their ability to handle these curve balls of adversity is based largely on whether or not they have the spiritual and emotional fortitude to hang on. 


The aptitude of serving cheerfully means a person has weaned themselves from the narcissism of thinking "it's all about me".  How I feel, what I want, and who owes me.  If we want our children to develop into healthy, successful adults, it is imperative that we begin early to train them to serve.  Cheerfully.  Notice the needs of others around them and move to meet those needs.  Starts at home.


Good counsel but how do we apply it? Practically speaking.


Here's a couple of suggestions-
1.  Don't solve all their problems for them.  Let them struggle a bit to get their shirt over their head or retrieve the ball they missed.  Or decide which classes to take and whether or not to play baseball this season.
2.  Let them feel the consequences of decisions.  Yes, this will be more painful for you than for them and I am all for rescuing them when it's necessary but be careful of enabling them to be sloppy and forgetful and lazy.  How many times should you make that extra trip to bring the forgotten term paper or practice shoes to them?  Once, maybe twice.  But know that they will make their own necessary adjustments when they've had to run laps or take a zero because of their ineptitude.
3.  Don't treat them like a diva.  Five year olds don't need birthday parties that rival Cinderella's ball and proms should not be treated like a wedding.  Enough said.
4.  Give them repeated opportunities to serve.  Beginning at home.  If you've read anything I've written you know that I consider family chores to be the panacea for pretty much all ills and this is no exception.  Present it to them in terms of serving.  SERVE.  At home and away. 
5.  Let them be mistreated without coming to their defense.  All Mama-Bear claws are aimed in my direction right about NOW!  But seriously, let them "suffer".  Sympathize with them, cry with them, but be very very very very very careful about marching into the appropriate office and demanding retribution.  (In cases of illegal activity, of course I think you better step in but I'm instead talking about "unfair" treatment from a coach or hurtful words from a friend and the like)
6.  Let them see in your life a shining example of cheerful service and patient perseverance.  They won't forget the lessons they see lived in front of them.  Talk plenty, walk more. 


Let's don't make this any harder than it really is :)