Your heart is probably as heavy as mine. Even if you don’t personally know anyone along the Guadalupe River, you are hurting.
Over the next few days, so many families will have to walk through the frightful valley that every parent recoils from...they will have to bury a child. Every Mama across the whole nation - grieves with them. There are simply no words to convey the depth of this tragedy.
Other families are grieving the losses of a parent, an aunt, a cousin or someone else dear to them. The hole in their hearts is raw and gaping. This is just so so so hard.
Much has been said already (lots of helpful things and, sadly, some very UNhelpful things) and I don’t want to be another clanging cymbal in the cacophony of voices rising to weigh in on this pain. But I didn’t want to NOT say anything, either. To seemingly ignore the unmitigated grief these folks are carrying.
So I will be brief today.
Just a few thoughts that I pray will be helpful as we confront the reality of what our fellow Americans are facing. I wish I had some words that could truly comfort and heal.
Truthfully, I don't think there are any.
But for those of us walking beside the hurting, here's some things I've learned to do...and not to do.
If you happen to have a connection with any of those lost in the flood…
1. Don't say you know how they feel. You don't. Unless you have been exactly where they are (in which case, you probably know not to say this anyway), you do not know how they feel.
2. Don't try to make sense of the tragedy. There isn't any.
3. Don't tell them "time will heal". It won't. The empty place at the dinner table, the absence at Christmas, the birthdays that won't be celebrated - those don't "heal". While it is true that they can and may very well learn to live and love and laugh again some day, right now they don't need an empty promise that time will heal.
4. Don't say "let me know if I can do anything". They won't.
5. Don't tell them what they ought to feel or what they ought to do. That's not up to you.
6. Don't tell them "she's/he’s in a better place". That may be true (if the one that was lost knows Christ, it is definitely true!) but that's not what they are grieving. They are grieving that she isn't in the place of being beside them and never will be again.
7. Don't avoid seeing them because you don't know what to say or do. I have some suggestions.
Here goes:
1. Be there. Yes, it matters if you go. And if you don't. The grieving person knows you can't fix this and they don't expect you to. But being there says you care. Go. That helps.
2. What to say? Just say "I'm sorry and I am hurting with you." Let them see you grieve, cry, and hurt. Shared pain is healing. Hurt with them.
3. What to do? Mow their lawn. Take food. Clean their house. Take their kids to get their haircut (or whatever!!!!). Look around at what needs to be done and just do it. Someone close to the situation will know their needs - ask that person and then just do it.
(I am not advocating taking over all their decisions and controlling their lives but I am saying to take care of what needs to be done so they don't have to do it right now)
4. Do talk about the one that's gone. The ones that are left want to talk about them. They need to know that someone else thinks about them, remembers them, loves them still. A dear neighbor of mine in NC lost her college age son and she shared with me that she loved it when friends would talk about Bryan. She thinks about him every single day and to know that someone else does too is a tremendous comfort.
5. Share a specific memory or significance about the one who is lost. A letter is a great way to do this because it can be read and re-read, treasured forever.
6. Remember their birthday.
7. Make a gift that will honor the person who died. Maybe to their favorite charity. Or a tree that can be planted in their memory. One of my fav things is to give daffodil bulbs - those are my favorite flower and when they bloom, it's a reminder that I love them as well as that their loved one will always be remembered.
8. Give them space. Let them move along at whatever pace they need. It takes divine wisdom to know when to go and when to leave but grief is not an orchestrated dance. It's more like a staccato rhythm and if we want to help, we have to be sensitive enough to realize there will be different needs at different times. Adjust.
9. Don't compromise Truth but be content that it doesn't have to be absorbed all at once or on any particular schedule. In God's time, there will be appropriate ways to comfort them with the Truth that we don't grieve as those without hope. In other words, it's really OK for them to feel angry sometimes. Let them process. Let them grieve. God doesn't reject our emotions. Read the Psalms if you doubt what I say.
10. Just LOVE. Love wins. Love heals. Love never fails. If you are at a loss for what to say or do from time to time, that's OK. Just love them.
But for most of us, we don’t have a personal connection to those folks. And yet, our hearts are heavy and we feel a need to process the pain, to help in some way…to reflect on what has happened in a meaningful way.
What are we to do? Just a few thoughts…
GIVE. A few resources that I like are Samaritans Purse, Salvation Army (Texas), Camp Mystic Flood Relief Fund, Southern Baptist Texas Disaster Relief
PRAY. Sounds like a glib answer, doesn’t it? Well, it doesn’t have to be. In times we feel so helpless, we realize that we truly are (all the time!) and we can call on the only One Who can help. Don’t let this burden slip away - keep praying. These folks are gonna need His help forever.
THINK. Tragedies are faith-shakers. They cause us to question and struggle and wonder. This one certainly does. Maybe we don’t dare to say it aloud but deep down we ask “Why”. Why some folks and not others. WHY THE CHILDREN!!! WHY? Those of us who know God KNOW that He could have stopped this flood. He could have performed 100% dramatic rescues that would have glorified His Name and soothed all our hearts. We know He possesses all power and we know He is good and compassionate. So why didn’t He answer “yes” to every prayer asking for a safe rescue of every person? I DO NOT KNOW. And I reject the pat answers that are labeling this as some sort of judgment, or His anger, or political failure. This is, plain and simple - SUFFERING. Even though His Word tells us that we will experience pain and suffering as long as we live in this broken world, we are usually surprised when it happens. But rest assured - God was not surprised when those waters rose. And He was not joyful when those people were engulfed in fear and swept away. I don’t know a lot of answers but I will cling to what I DO know - He was WITH THEM. He was present and active and compassionate and comforting. I believe He held them, comforted them, and welcomed them home. He is continuing to weep with every remaining family member even now. This tragedy has not altered His goodness nor His faithfulness and ONE DAY, it will all be made right. ONE DAY, the tears will be wiped away. The hurts will be healed. And He is working right now to redeem this awful pain for His eternal purpose. In the short term, we recoil from the things that hurt us and it is totally fine to ask “why” and to grieve and even to question. But we must land on the Solid Rock of what we know to be true. We may mourn now but we can wrap ourselves in the comfort that it will not be forever. We serve the only true God and He is mighty and He is good and He is love. If we are His, then we belong to a Kingdom that cannot be shaken…or swept away in floodwaters.
Let us land on the Rock of Ages. Let us lift our tear stained faces to the One worthy of our praise. Let us trust that His grace is somehow, miraculously, incredibly sufficient. And let us pray that we can be His hands and feet to our brothers and sisters in Texas.
To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen.