Parent pain

Parent pain. It’s been often said “there is no pain like parent pain”. I haven’t experienced or even witnessed every type of pain the world has to offer so I guess I can’t be a truly objective judge but I can say that parent pain is real.

But it’s not the kind of pain we moms and dads want to talk about. For a myriad of reasons, I suppose. Fear. Pride. Fear of being misunderstood. Pride that wants to protect our image. Probably those are at the root of much angst over this pain but I honestly believe that most of our silence is because we have no desire to speak ill of our children. Even when they are grown and flown, we retain a desire to believe the best and certainly say the best about them to others. Guarding their reputations, not wanting to pour gasoline on the fire of pain, we keep it to ourselves. If we are lucky, we can share it with our spouse, the co-parent absorbing the blows of rejection or criticism or dishonor from those we gave our lives to so gladly. And in most cases, continue to do so.

My husband and I have experienced the sacred privilege of listening to some of that pain. Whispers at first, just a “casual” admission of hurt. We’ve seen that little crack of secure, non-condemning group conversation widen into rivers of grief and hurt as others realized they were not alone. What is there to say about parent pain? I don’t know. I am not qualified to have an opinion (but those who know me also know that a lack of qualification doesn’t usually prevent me from having an opinion!!). But I have stood by and watched too many of my friends grieve alone while a child decides they are “toxic” and that “no contact” is necessary for their “personal peace”. While there are admittedly some extreme cases where distance is called for (addiction), those are much more rare than today’s climate seems to portray. `Increasingly, I see cases where so-called therapists are convincing adults that their upbringing was not what they deserved and therefore can be blamed for any and all undesirable aspects of their lives. And when you add a spouse that wants to attribute fault for the normal shortcomings in their marriage to that equation, the results are devastating. Common parenting flaws become “trauma”. Attempts to reconcile become “controlling”. Their own sibling rivalry becomes the fault of the parent’s alleged favoritism. Mature and honest conversations are displaced by harsh criticism and kind communication is shuttered, ignoring texts and invitations. Parents are left with a boatload of hurt…and feeling like there is no way to process it, much less find restoration.

Even when the relationship is not completely cut off, I have witnessed what I can only label as “dishonor”. Not responding to texts (and I am not talking about daily bombardments of communication - I am referring to occasional reaching out, with a question that needed an answer or an invitation that required a response). Lashing out harshly when a genuine misunderstanding took place. Cancelling long made plans in favor of a pop-up invitation from friends. Consistent “choosing” of the in-laws because they offer more appealing vacations. Criticizing behavior without a shred of the grace they themselves receive. No acknowledgement or gratitude for the years and resources invested in their lives. One friend told me that she bites her tongue when her daughter talks about the pain her childhood inflicted upon her because she really wants to tell her that the hurt goes both ways .But she keeps silent because she is afraid of being categorized as “no contact”. Another friend told me how she was so happy when her college kid chose to join a church small group on her own but that eventually that group of so-called Christians had convinced her child that her parents could not be trusted and that she should distance herself from them. One woman I know is not allowed access to her grandchild because she is “toxic”. Y’all, I have known this woman well for forty years and I assure you she is NOT toxic! And I expect I will always remember a group conversation with some 30-somethings (whom I consider a blessing in my life) when they told me the most important thing about grandparents was free childcare and great trips. I am still swallowing hard years after that one.

I am not sure why I am writing this post. I really don’t have any “advice”. I guess I just want to process what I am observing. And I’ll admit that it scares me on a personal level - I fear that I might not be exempt from this pain. Goodness knows I’ve given my kids some reasons to be hurt with me and I would love a do-over on more than a few parenting decisions!

I think, in this processing, I want to tell hurting parents that they are not alone. Way more fellow parents are hurting than social media would have us believe. I also believe that the Prince of this world is behind such division and pain. The Enemy of our souls hates families - all families - because the family is God’s picture of His relationship with us. He also knows the blessings God promises for the generations of the faithful (notice Scripture never requires perfection - just faithfulness!!!) So The Defeated One seeks to destroy us by isolation and division and fractured relationships. He wants to paralyze us and accuse us and render us ineffective for God’s kingdom as we rehearse our (assumed) failures and withdraw from service in an attempt to not only cause further damage but especially to protect our hearts from additional wounds. And He wants to prevent our children from the blessing God promises to those who honor parents. So I want to remind us that this very real battle, this battle that leaves serious damage, is not to be won in the visible realm. We MUST fight for victory FROM OUR KNEES. And we must not do it alone. Best case, we have a spouse who is wielding with us the only offensive weapons we have -Prayer and the Word of God. But we also need truth-telling, compassionate, non-judgmental friends to come alongside us. Friends we can admit our hurt to and know they will not condemn our kids and they will also tell us where WE are wrong.(Underscore this point - we must not waste this season by failing to let God show us what He wants to do IN US. Maybe we don’t “deserve” this pain but if God places us in a sifting season - see Luke 22:31,32 - then we must realize that SOMETHING needed sifting ) Friends to comfort us, exhort us, and help us find the way to make things right. Restoration. Blessings. Generations of faithfulness.

So, I am offering to be that friend for you. If you are in the grips of parent pain alone, if you would like an ear, a shoulder, a prayer partner, reach out to me chamfam@bellsouth.net. No judgment. Safe listening. No spreading of stories. I am here for you.

Raising kids who are strong

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9


As a parent, this is surely one of my most loved verses. I want my children (and myself!) to be bold, confident, resilient, brave. And I know that God wants that, too. He spoke this directive to Joshua as he prepared to take over command of the Israelites from Moses. Moses earlier had exhorted the people with these same words, repeated them to Joshua, and then the Lord Himself said it twice in 9 short verses. I think we are supposed to heed this - be strong and have courage.


I cling to this verse in parenting on at least two levels - one, to address my own fears and inadequacies (of which there are many!) and two, to encourage my children to be strong. Not strength as the world offers (which is usually false bravado and an attempt to mask insecurities). Not a foolhardy ignorance of danger or reality. But strong in the Lord. Mighty in spirit. Not afraid. Not fragile. Able to withstand difficulties and persecution and disappointment. And to withstand it well.


What does it mean to be strong, to be mighty in spirit? And how can we develop this in our children? And in ourselves! Let's unpack that verse and see...First, the context. The Israelites are about to begin the conquest of Canaan, the land God had promised to them. They had been redeemed from the slavery of Egypt and were on the brink of possessing the blessing of the rest of that redemption. But it was obviously not going to be a walk in the park. There were geographical challenges (large bodies of water to cross and a desert to endure) not to mention the fact that the land was already occupied and possessing it would require displacing those who were there.


Plenty of reason for fear for sure


Yet God repeatedly instructs them not to. How is that possible? Were they (and are we) just supposed to deny reality, stuff down our feelings and march stoically off into the unknown?


Not at all.


The keys to a life of courage, of living without fear or discouragement or dismay, are found right there in the text. Let's see what they are...


The first keys I see that God provided for the Israelites are the same ones He makes available to His people today. Sandwiched in between His two commands not to fear...verses 7 & 8, we see


being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success[a] wherever you go. This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success


1. Obedience to His commands
2. Consistent meditation on His Word


So, if we want to be strong and courageous, if we want to grow kids that are mighty in spirit, we must know that the foundation to those qualities is to obey what He says to do and to feast ourselves continually on His Word.


And the other keys I see to "fearing not" are found in the definitions of those Hebrew words - "be strong" and "courage". The word that we translate as "strong" is a word that the Hebrews used frequently for construction, for building. Its meaning is deeper than "strong" - it carries with it the idea of being attached firmly to something, to be held fast, preserved. Hmmm, sounds like God is explaining to us here that our strength comes from holding fast to Him, being bound tightly to His Word. Oh yes!
And the word for courage is equally as rich. It means more than just being brave - it conveys the idea of wisdom and virtue and excellence. SO, "courage" is more than an attitude - it is also action of righteousness!


As I have prayed for my kids through the years to be mighty in Spirit, God has consistently laid out practical ways to cultivate this attribute. Encourage obedience to HIM, not merely to parents. (That is the basis of obeying all authority!) Memorize and meditate on His Word. Talk about His Word all through the day....all through our lives. Exhort one another to hold fast to His truth, particularly in dark times, when the light is hard to see. And sow seeds of righteousness. Over and over and over. Do the right thing. Do the kind thing, the faithful thing, the generous thing, the gracious thing, the joyful thing, the loving thing, the forgiving thing. Over and over and over.


There are plenty of things in life to be afraid of. Plenty of things that seem to threaten our security and our well-being. But God wants His kids to face them all with confidence and courage.

And He provides the keys for us to do so.


Will we take Him at His Word?

When to be violent

Let’s just admit it. Some Scripture verses are hard to understand. They require grappling with, meditating on, and pensive prayer. Our tendency can be to pretty much skip over them and focus instead on those that bring comfort and encouragement. To me, Matthew 11:12 is one such verse.

And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of God suffers violence and violent men take it by force.

There are a couple of different ways that verse is explained. One (which may very well be the most popular) is that we can expect the world to respond to the kingdom of God with opposition and hostility. While that viewpoint is not untrue, I don’t think that is what Jesus is telling us here. The context is that John is in prison, about to be executed for speaking the truth about sin and holiness. Certainly that is hostility and opposition! But the particular details of this discourse are key. While John is facing this painful and frightening trial, his soul is apparently in anguish. He sends word to Jesus asking in verse 3 Are you the Expected One or shall we look for someone else?

Jesus’s response is beautiful. I encourage you to read it for yourself in verses 4-6. Spoiler alert: He sends word back to John - yes I am!

But Jesus continues speaking to those around Him, praising John the Baptist for his courage, faithfulness, and toughness. And utters those words recorded in verse 12, that verse about violence. We usually think of Jesus as peaceful, some even call Him a pacificist. We point to His calm response to the argumentative Pharisees. His silence before His accusers. Especially His rebuke of Peter when he cut off the ear of the soldier coming to arrest Jesus. Yet here He is, praising violence. WHAT????

Jesus is indeed advocating violence - against ourselves. Not self-mutilation but rather denying our flesh. Sometimes it is called “self-mortification”, referring to the need to put to death the desires of our flesh. Jesus is telling us that we are going to face opposition - and the culprit is not external but rather internal. Even the bold, faithful, fearless John went through a dark place where he questioned God. A struggle where he wondered what God was doing in his life. A time when he puzzled if he had been duped into believing the goodness and faithfulness of God. Even John the Baptist. And Jesus didn’t rebuke him but instead comforted and assured him. And He tells us we are going to face the same fight. Faithfulness in following Christ will require spiritual violence. In order to walk in victory, we must be prepared to fight our own self with such force that we can overcome our natural tendencies and submit to the will of God.

How are we to be violent? By the grace of God. Not by mustering up our own energy but by looking to the power of Christ. That is why one of the ninefold manifestations of the Spirit of God in us is “self-control”. Because that fight is real! The other ways the Spirit bears fruit (love, joy, patience, and the like) seem lovely and desirable - but Jesus reminds us that the fight is real. And we need His Spirit to control our crucified self. And to fight that good fight will oftentimes be really really hard. Even violent. The opposition from the hostile world certainly piles it on, as well. But by looking to Jesus and what He has for us, the power of those sinful desires (for comfort, recognition, control, success, etc) is broken. It will require much of us but the reward of His fellowship and favor is sweet indeed.