Discipline - Part 2

Discipline.  The effective equipping of a child by a parent for successful living.


It takes a lot of time.  It takes a lot of energy.  It's hard. 

But it is definitely worth it!


Just as an athlete enjoys a sweet feeling of accomplishment upon crossing that finish line, so does a child...and a parent....relish the rewards of discipline, of effective equipping. Parenting isn't a sprint - it's a marathon.  Actually, it's a series of marathons, one right after the other! Hebrews 12:11 warns us that it will be hard - For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  So don't be surprised when you feel like quitting.  Don't give up because it seems like it's not working.  Hang in there.  The results are worth it!


Think about discipline having these 4 components - each one is contingent upon the other: 


Instruction (impart knowledge/explain goal)
Training (how to reach goal)
Correction (remove hindrances to goal)
Result (reach goal)


1.  Instruction 
Not only is this aspect of discipline crucial, it must be first.  Whether it's how to hit a tennis ball or a command not to run in the street, instruction must be preeminent.  Of course it must be age appropriate and I am not suggesting that parents owe an explanation for every edict, but instruction must be given.  It must be clear and it must be communicated.  What are the expectations, what are the "rules", what are the goals. Repetition, reminders, refresher courses...instruction. As in "Betsy, we're about to have lunch with Daddy's work friends.  Let's remind ourselves of the things we need to do....."  First step of discipline - instruction


2.  Training
Instruction is the "what" and training is the "how". Here's how to reach the goal set out in instruction. Here's how one answers the phone.  Here's how one behaves in the grocery store.  Here's how to treat a sibling and an authority and a friend.  Here's how to obey.  Clear instruction flows into intentional training. Explain.  Show.  Go through it with the child.  Just like it helps to hold the baseball bat on top of their little hands and swing it with them to connect to the ball, so we train. I am grinning thinking of the many training sessions on so many subjects at our house - from how to answer the phone to the steps of obedience.    Second step of discipline - training.


3. Correction 
Correction isn't punishment.  It's adjusting the course, removing hindrances to the goal, fine-tuning performance.  While it may involve pain, what distinguishes correction from punishment is the purpose. Correction of whatever is preventing success. When an athlete has a habit or a form that impedes accuracy or victory, it needs to be corrected.  Same for kids.  If you observe behavior that needs modifying, first ask yourself if the steps of instruction and training have been sufficient.  If not, then regroup and provide those.  Then correct the error.  In a later post, I will discuss methods of correction.  But for now, know that the purpose of correction is to remove anything that impedes the reaching of the goal.


4.  Result
The fruit of labor.  The reward.  The result of receiving instruction, of being trained, of making the necessary corrections.  Or not!  Either the goal of desired behavior is reached or the errors along the way prevent it.


As a parent, know that discipline is time-consuming.  It can be wearisome.  There will be temptation to take the easy route.  But if you will be consistent (not perfect) and patient, the result will be sweet.  The peaceful fruit of righteousness.  Oh, how it's worth it!


Discipline.  Either we pay the price now and enjoy the reward later.  Or we consider the cost too great now and pay for it later.  The cost goes up exponentially over time.  In fact, I'm not sure we ever recover what was lost by not disciplining early and effectively.


This verse often encourages me when I am tempted to give in or give up - Hebrews 10:36 -
 For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised
 
Just gotta smile.  God's extravagant efficiency -- while I'm training my kids, He's training me!!

Discipline - Introduction

This topic probably generates more interest and creates more division than any other parenting issue.  How to discipline.  What to discipline.  When.  Where.  Why. I would love to present an authoritative post that would settle all angst and answer all questions.  I'd really love to read one like that!  Actually, though, I resist such an approach on most subjects and especially this one.  I really think that parents largely have to figure stuff out for themselves.  And I think that can be a healthy process.  If somebody insists that their way of discipline or educating or any other aspect of parenting is "THE WAY", I don't even bother to listen.  Nobody has a monopoly on figuring this thing out.  I won't even apologize for not being an authority - I'm just a sharer.  I like to share ideas and approaches and let you decide how to adapt them for your parenting process.   Let's take a step back and get a broad view....






First, what is discipline? 


All too frequently, discipline is boiled down to "how do I punish my child for wrongdoing".  That is way too narrow a definition.  Think about how we use the word - "He is such a disciplined athlete", "If I were more self-disciplined, I would not be late so frequently" ,"Sociology is a fairly new discipline", etc. 


Here's how GoogleSearch defines "discipline"


noun
noun: discipline
  1. 1.
    the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

    • the controlled behavior resulting from discipline.








    • activity or experience that provides mental or physical training.

    • a system of rules of conduct.

  2. 2.
    a branch of knowledge, typically one studied in higher education.


    synonyms:field (of study), branch of knowledge, 
 
verb
  1. 1.
    train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience




2. train oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way.






When we consider the definition of the word, we realize that "punishment" or even "correction" is an extremely insufficient application.  And since parents are instructed to "discipline" their children, we must surely understand the task.  Here are just two of about a gazillion things God says about parents and discipline.....



 Proverbs 3:11-12: My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Proverbs 19:18   Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death

Over several posts, I will share some thoughts, ideas, and resources about discipline.  To close this one, I will leave you with a definition of discipline as it relates to parenting:


The effective equipping of a child by a parent for successful living.
 
 


There you have it.  Discipline, ChamFam style!
 
 
  1.  

Parent pain - postscript

Just wanted to add a little to the guest post on parent pain.  My friend is too modest to tell you about all the things that she's done right  - perhaps pain blinds us all to that.  So I felt the need to follow up with some things I've observed from her life and from others going through things like this.  I know there are differing views on how to handle "wayward" kids so feel free to disagree with me.  I am certainly not an expert - just an observer. And a friend to those in such crises.  What I have to share is simply some conclusions I've drawn from these experiences.  Not an iron clad promise of results.









1.  Principles, not preferences
What I mean by this point is that we need to be sure that what we are so grieved about is truly worth being grieved about.  Is it a matter of principle, of conviction, of absolute right and wrong?  Or is it really a matter of personal preferences?  For instance, if my teenager decided to indulge in premarital sex or alcohol, this would definitely be a matter of principle.  This is clearly wrong and I would respond decisively.  (Note I did not say "react dramatically" but rather "respond decisively".  Big difference)  A lot of other things really might be a matter of personal preference instead.  Even if they feel like matters of principle.  Things like hairstyles or clothing choices or dating decisions mostly fall into the "personal preference" category. Things that we can afford to overlook or bend on.  For real.


If we as parents are wringing our hands or issuing edicts or altering our parental relationship, let's be really really really sure that the matter in question is one of principle.  Not personal preference.  I believe very strongly in standing by convictions.  Truly I do.  Not compromising on things that we stake our life on.  Not at all. And I think we can be justified to define our convictions, share our principles (and the reasons behind them). It's just that I am inclined to think that we oughta have relatively few things in that category....and even when a kid is trampling our principles, we can still respond with love.












2.  Perspective
This is such a powerful concept.  Oh my goodness, it's potent.  Perspective means that we can see somebody else's point.  (Note:  seeing does not have to mean agreeing -- just means that we can see it!!  The ability to do this is like an indelible stamp of validity.  Not having it, well, relationships without it are trite, weak, and ineffectual.)  Having perspective means we value the other person enough to try and understand (again - note that I didn't say "agree") what and why they feel as they do. This might be called empathy.  And it's a game changer.  Trust me.








Perspective also means that we possess enough wisdom and maturity to take a long view.
 Maybe, just maybe, some of the things that we parents get hyped up about really won't matter in the long run.  What a kid does at 15 does not necessarily have to define them.  (Unless, of course, the parents blow the whole thing up and ruin the relationship and the kid never is allowed to move past it.  Then it surely would define them) Parental memory can be a tricky thing -- seems like we either conveniently forget all the mistakes of our past or we so fearfully focus on trying to be sure our kid avoids every single pit we fell into that we lack perspective.  Guess what - no matter how perfectly we try to parent, our kids are gonna make some mistakes.  Perspective helps us - and them - be OK with that.  In fact, some of the most powerful bonding possible can take place as we help our child learn how to get up after a fall.






And perspective means that our response to things we consider crises is not over the top dramatic.  (For me, it means I just need to take a chill pill.) Some of the greatest possible damage can be done when we react in earth shattering ways.  Before you encounter one of those heart-wrenching parenting moments, purpose right now that you will take plenty of time to consider your response before you act.  And spend time and energy right now to fill your heart up with love and wisdom and gentleness and grace and mercy so that, when you get squeezed, that's what will come out.




Oh, and in case you're getting this info after you've erupted and damage has been done, there are things that can be done to repair the devastation.  Admission of wrong (yours), asking for forgiveness(theirs), and correcting the course.












3.  Preserve the relationship
Above all else, preserve the relationship.  Yes, I know about tough love and church discipline and I am all for it.  But I believe with all my heart that the times to employ those are rare.  And I believe that the best thing a rebellious kid can have is the assurance of a parent that loves them no matter what.  Not agrees with their choices but loves them in spite of them.  I don't think it means you let them do drugs or sleep with their boyfriend in your home (back to "principles" - #1).  But neither do I think it means you ignore their birthday or forbid your other kids from contact with them or exclude them from family times.  For crying out loud, what you want is a chance to influence them for good and it's helpful to have time with them to do that!! Christ is our example.  He never overlooked or excused sin but He sure made it a point to hang out with the sinners.  And I am so thankful for that!


If your kid is currently turning his or her back on all you hold dear, I know you still love them....but they might not know that.  Be sure they do.  Use words and actions and whatever else at your disposal to tell them you love them.  Kindness goes a long way to healing hurts.  And the hope is that one day he/she will come to his/her senses and you'll be in a position to positively impact them.  If you don't preserve the relationship now, that day's likely never gonna come.






And, it's just my opinion, but I don't think that prodigal son would've come home ever unless he knew he'd be allowed to stay.














4.  Prevail
Don't quit doing all the things you know that are right and good.  From enjoying your other children and your friends to exercise to hobbies to just plain living life - keep on keeping on.  Don't let a parenting crisis derail your life.  One dear friend of mine shared with me that parenting through these storms really wears you out.  One of the thing that has kept her going is that she and her husband are "on the same page".  What good advice.  What really good advice.  So many times I've seen a crisis with a child wreak havoc on a marriage or the other children.  Do whatever you can to guard against that. Go see a good counselor.  Talk things out with a close friend. In private. (I personally don't suggest making your kid's issues a matter of public knowledge for everybody and their sister to gossip about but that's just my opinion). But don't retreat into a shell and forfeit all the good around you.






Never never never give up on your kid but don't let this crisis define your existence.  The rest of your world needs you.














5.  Pray 
This one's a no-brainer, right?  Sure.  Except that it's not.  We can often fall into the trap of doing everything we can think of except that.  We should all tattoo this truth onto our hearts - we are powerless to change people.  Only God can do that.  Talk to Him about it.  Often. He's on your side.  And your child's side.  You don't have to beg Him to act - He wants what's best for your child even more than you do!  Just pour out your heart to Him.  Cry out to Him.  Lean on Him.  Continuously. 


  And, what we often find, is that prayer changes us as much as (if not more than) it changes the situation.  Or the other person.










If you're in a parenting crisis of any kind,  my heart breaks for you.  If you want to confidentially tell somebody about it, I'm here.  I'll listen.  And pray with you and cry with you and hurt with you.
And, I'll believe for you until you can believe for yourself.




 



To the Unsung Heroes

Seems like everywhere I turn lately I've noticed some of "the unsung heroes". Folks that serve us all without fanfare or even notice.  Folks that we might even take for granted.  Unless they quit.  Folks that I've never heard complain but I wonder if they ever feel unappreciated. 


Here's some of the folks that caught my attention.....


  One day it was some church nursery workers that have been cheerfully singing lullabies to generations of babies.  I'm sure some Mommies thank them when they retrieve their little cherubs but mostly this is an inconspicuous labor of love. 


One day it was the guys that collect my garbage early every Tuesday morning.  Occasionally I'm out at the end of my driveway when they come, sometimes with a treat but often not.  And I've never overheard any complaining about their role - usually some friendly laughter and always a polite greeting.  I hope lots of people tell them "thank you".


Another day it was an Army wife with a toddler.  Her husband has been deployed most of the baby's life (for the third time since they've been married, I think she said) and their families are on the other side of the country.  She was not inclined in the least to feel sorry for herself but she did say she was hoping the Moms in the preschool music class would turn out to be a good source of friends.  When I thanked her for her sacrifice, she was genuinely surprised.  Strong woman.  I think I'd cry a lot if I were in her shoes.


I get to watch up close some longtime heroes.  Some folks in their twilight times where it's easy to question one's  "worth" and "contribution" and wonder how much they still matter.  I think it'd be awfully hard to keep a great attitude when you feel worn out.


One really talented gal I know is sometimes tempted to feel washed up or overlooked or insignificant.  She's experienced remarks that imply she's "past her prime" and that it's time for someone else to take that ministry role.  Good thing those views have not been expressed in my presence - I have some awfully strong opinions about that.  So far I've not read anything in Scripture that indicates God tells us to retire from serving Him at some certain age.....


There's a whole group of women I know that have to be some of the greatest of all unsung heroes - single Moms.  I cannot fathom how they manage.  I'm so glad my church intentionally celebrates them on Mother's Day.  Most 6 year olds can't pull off flowers and candy on their own.  And for the record, the single Moms I know do it with a smile and a brave spirit.  I am so proud to know them.  I just want them to know.


And then there's all the zillions of regular ole' ordinary folks that don't stand out.  That don't get applauded or even noticed cause they're just living their lives, just serving and loving and doing things that don't bring any attention from the world.  College students trying to live right and to grow up into responsible adults.  Moms and Dads that so want to do everything just right and still make a living and pay taxes and enjoy dinner & a movie once in a while.  Single adults that sometimes feel like they don't have a place but deeply longing to.  Church staff that don't get the "perks" of attention but just the occasional headache of serving smelly sheep.  Pastors' families that have to share their dad with all of us and also have to endure too many "perks" of attention. 


These folks are dear to me.  And even more so, to God.  The world may rarely, if ever, take note of what they do.  Of their service and their faithfulness and their courage.  But He does.  And He has a significant word for them:


 For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do  (Hebrews 6:10)


And He not only notices, He applauds.  To all the unsung heroes out there, listen.... I'm singing your praises to Him.