Wisdom applied

We took a break from our study of James.  I'm glad to get back to it.  It's one of my most favorite books in Scripture.  If you want to check out the earlier posts, this will get you started  /livingletters4/2014/09/the-h-factor.html


This week we are in chapter 3, verses 13-18


Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. 15 This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.


Just a reminder - the preceding verses were all about the tongue.  How it holds such potential for evil and is liable to just break out with poison.  The impact it has on the hearer....and the speaker.  In the passage for today, James exhorts us to apply the truth he's just imparted. 

The first verse, in essence, asks who is willing to now live with regard to this truth, this truth of managing the tongue, in light of its potential for evil.  The "wise" here is a different word than usually occurs in the original Greek text.  The expected word for "wise" is "Sophia" but here, the word "Sophos" is used.  It translates as "a watchman" - one who watches and is thereby able to regulate his course.  The word for "works" is understood as results. And "meekness" is not weakness....rather it's power under control.  Think in terms of a mighty stallion, bridled and controlled so that his strength is used advantageously, not destructively.


So James is telling us here that our tongues need watching over.  And if we do it right, the results will be good conduct, power used to give life instead of bringing death.


In the next verses (14-16), Scripture reminds us about what governs our tongue.....our hearts.  And if the heart is wrong, don't arrogantly ignore the truth that our tongue will display what's inside.  As we learned earlier, what fills our hearts will spill out our mouths. 
These verses are radical.  They run so counter to what the "wisdom" the world offers us --- the "wisdom" that isn't wise at all.  The world advises us to maneuver ourselves up over others, tearing them down as necessary.  And a heart focused on its own selfish agenda will inevitably be jealous of those that seem "ahead" in some way.
This "wisdom" isn't wise at all.  It's not only toxic, it's actually demonic.  And it won't give us what we're after --- a life full of joy and peace and satisfaction.  Instead, this kind of "wisdom" results in chaos and unrest and evil.  In spite of what it seems to promise.


This passage closes with a litmus test for our decisions.  If we wonder what to do, whether it's a ruptured relationship or tension at work or a career choice, we can evaluate it in terms of verses 17-18.  A wise decision is one that first has a pure motive (not a selfish one!), a desire to reconcile and restore; one that is gentle as opposed to harsh or pushy.  One that is reasonable (do we women sometimes expect more than is reasonable???).  One that shows mercy in how it treats others.....not how they deserve but how they need.  One that is just (impartial) and sincere...without hypocrisy. 


And this wisdom is like a seed.  A fruitful seed that grows and blooms into a whole harvest of righteousness.  By those willing to make peace.  With themselves and with others.


Next time, we'll dig into this one verse to learn what a peacemaker is.....and what it isn't.


Looking forward to it already!

Year's End - update on 2014 resolutions

 I love the week between Christmas and New Year's.  It's a welcome change of pace from the hectic pace of the preceding days.  We usually spend most of the time taking down decorations, watching bowl games, and eating leftovers. No big festivities.  Just tying up loose ends and looking ahead to whatever the new year holds. 


At this time last year, I excitedly blogged that our family set some individual goals and shared them with each other.  I naively (proudly?) anticipated in my post about this that I looked forward to sharing with you at year end how the goals went.

Well, in a word,  NOT.  The goals were not reached. 


And, no, I didn't get even get closer to the goal than if I'd not tried.


I made ZERO progress.


ZERO


These were good goals, mind you.  One was a spiritual goal, one was a health goal, and the last was an organizational one.  All were commendable, wise, and reachable.  And I failed at them all.


So why do I tell you this?


In addition to keeping it real, I want to share my life with you.  When I "succeed" and when I don't.  This time, I clearly didn't.
 So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.  I Thessalonians 2:8


Will I set goals for 2015?


Probably.


But I have a different mindset this time.


I know all about what the self-help books tell you.  That goals should be specific.  Measurable.  Attainable but require a stretch. To write them down.  And the big key is to share them with someone.


Well, I did all that. 


And while those may be good things to do, they do not guarantee that the goals will be reached.  I am living proof.


I've decided that there needs to be a step prior to the goal setting.


At least for me.


And that's to ask God what HIS plans are for me.


What are HIS goals for me this year? 


When I consulted Him, this is where I landed first...


Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before.  (I Thess. 4:11)


Instead of "dreaming big dreams", having lofty aims or setting grand goals, my ambition this year is to live quietly.  Mind my own business and keep my hands busy.


That's my start.


If I get any other instructions along the way, I promise to share them with you.


Oh, and I think part of His plan of keeping my hands busy this year is to continue to blog.


I hope it's helping some of you.


It's keeping me busy....and out of therapy.  So far, so good.


Happy New Year, friends!

The 5 traits kids needs to be successful adults...and how to cultivate them

What does it take to be a successful adult?  How can we get our kids to that place?


What does "successful" mean, anyway?


The dictionary defines "success" as "accomplishment of one's goal".  However you define success, I think that all parents want our children to be happy, well-adjusted, independent (at least of us!), grownups who bring value to the world around them and live for a purpose greater than their own pleasure.  To Paul and me, that is success.


The question then becomes - how do we parent in the time we have them under our roof to better their chances of such success?



I've observed lots of folks, some up close and some from afar, that I consider "successful".  Their vocational callings range from missionaries in a foreign land to chicken salesmen to a bedridden grandmother.  From a kindergarten teacher to a CEO to a builder.  From a maintenance man to a parttime coach to "just a mom".  And lots and lots of different spots in amongst all these.  Folks who are driven by their desire to succeed......but not with financial goals or positions of achievement but
rather with meaning and purpose and value.  Folks who want to impact the lives of others in a positive way.  To leave a legacy of joy and peace and love.  To bring glory to God.


As I've pondered these many folks, I have identified some commonalities.  Traits that seem to set them apart....traits to which their success can be attributed. 


If we want to parent our kids towards success, these are the traits that can get them there.


1.  Perseverance
You and I know that life is sometimes often hard.  We're tempted to give up, give in, or just give out.  In all areas of life - our vocation, our relationships, even our faith.  What we need is the ability to steadily continue in spite of obstacles and discouragement.  We need perseverance.
2.  Unselfishness
Admittedly, this flies in the face of most of the world's thinking.  We hear "look out for number 1", "nice guys finish last", and the like.  While that may help you climb the ladder, I think that once you reach the top, you will find you had leaned it against the wrong wall.  Unselfishness, instead, brings far greater joy and satisfaction than a continual self-focus.  In fact, the less one focuses on self, the happier one tends to be!
3.  Optimism
I am not suggesting an unrealistic denial of reality.  But I am advocating for cheerful, non-critical, encouraging attitudes.  There will be more than enough negative views - those who manage to be confidently positive will forever reap the benefits of creativity, energy, and joy.  And,the bonus perk of more social invitations because everybody would rather be around someone who sees the glass half-full!
4.  Gratitude
A spirit of thankfulness instead of a sense of entitlement is a major determiner of success.  It guards against bitterness and cynicism and promotes an atmosphere of cooperation and acceptance.  By gratitude, I do not mean a laissez faire attitude that simply takes whatever comes its way.  I don't advocate a mentality that accepts substandard effort as "whatever will be will be".  I am a big proponent of striving for excellence and expecting the best from your kids (and yourself).  By "gratitude", I mean a lack of a "victim mentality" or a feeling that the world owes you something (anything!), or a belief that you deserve the good things that come your way.  Rather, gratitude expects to work hard just because it's right and that when good things happen, it's because God is gracious and He works through gracious people to bless His undeserving saints.  Gratitude is closely linked to humility because a thankful heart is one that realizes it doesn't truly deserve anything good.  So whenever something good is given, gratitude flows out.
5.  Resilience
The importance of this trait cannot be overstated.  Because, let's face it, LIFE doesn't go according to plan.  In spite of hard work (and perseverance and unselfishness and optimism and gratitude), sometimes things just don't work out like we want them to.  We fail.  Others fail.  Life fails us.  So, the ability to get back up, to bounce back, to try again after failure may very well be the major determinant for success. 


Great traits.  But how do we cultivate them in our kids?




Probably a million different ways.  A million different times.  And then a million more.  But here are some suggestions -


1.  For perseverance - Don't "overhelp".  Let your kids struggle to do something on their own.  Yep, that's right. Let them struggle.  Even when - especially when - you could make it easier for them.  I'm not suggesting you abandon your kids and tell them to figure it out on their own but I am saying you need to step back.  No helicopter parenting.  Let them struggle. Do not let them think things are "supposed" to be easy.  Let them know that pressing on is the key to success. From tying their shoes to their math homework to marital contentment.  And then applaud the perseverance more than the "success"!!!!


2.  For unselfishness - This is definitely not going to come naturally!  So purpose to develop it.  From letting your 5 month old wait a bit before responding to her insistence for food to having your kids buy gifts for each other to volunteering at the homeless shelter together, constantly look for ways to help your child redirect the focus to others.  And when you observe acts of unselfishness, affirm it.  Because, trust me, it isn't natural -- it's Supernatural!


3.  For optimism - You're going to get labeled "Pollyanna" or even delusional but consistently point out the positive side of things to your kids.  Authenticate their feelings, yes, but then gently redirect them to the blessings or the silver lining or whatever.  Maintain an optimistic outlook regardless of the circumstances.  When kids see this in their parents, this is not only an example to emulate but it is also a means of quelling anxiety and instilling confidence in them.  Confidence that God is good and that He is always at work to bring good to His people.  Even when we can't see that!


4.  For gratitude -  You require it ! :)  Now I know you can't manufacture a thankful heart inside of your child but you can insist that they write thank you notes (handwritten!  this is a lost art!!), express verbal gratitude and never say "no problem"!!!!!!!!!!!  Continually point out things to be thankful for (great follow-up to an optimistic attitude....) to both God and fellow man.  Oh, and a cheerful, genuine attitude are also requisites for a grateful heart :)


5.  For resilience - When your child fails, don't let them wallow in it. Encourage them to express their remorse, their sadness, and their discouragement but then insist that they move on.  Try again.  As my friend Nancy says to her dear children - "here's some legos - build a bridge and get over it!!" Even if your hands are sweating and your knees are knocking, don't let them smell your fear.  Inspire them with your confidence in their ability to get up and try again.  Not a screaming soccer mom on the sidelines, demanding that little Johnny keep trying to score so that she can validate her own success but rather a quiet, courageous assurance that Johnny is gonna be triumphant. Because he's gonna get back up and keep going.  Instead of floundering in his blunder and expecting somebody to make him feel better.


There's one more thing.  One more key to developing these traits in our kids.


The most important thing.  The main thing.  The major factor.










The main thing.............is to lead by example.  No substitute for this.  Kids will imitate what they see modeled.  Scripture puts it this way A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher. (Luke 6:40).


Scariest verse in the Bible. 

How to S-T-O-P Christmas - P

No one sets out to be a Grinch about Christmas - not even the Grinch!  But somehow, the pressures and demands and expectations of the season can shrink the  heart of  even Cindy Loo Who into  Grinch-sized proportions.  A heart that views the holiday with dread and angst instead of joy and anticipation.  A heart that secretly wants to "stop Christmas from coming, somehow!".


So we've taken a few days to examine ways to change a Grinch heart into one that spreads Christmas cheer instead.  To one's own self....and to those all around.  We're learning how to S-T-O-P Christmas so that we won't want to stop Christmas :)


S- simplify.  Realize that less really can be more.  That the stress involved in some of the season's expectations simply do not have to rule us.  Simplify.  And enjoy!


T-thankful.  This conscious change on the inside shows up in delightful ways on the outside.  Cultivating a heart of thankfulness requires being intentional about it - indeed it's a choice.  One that must be repeated over and over and over.  But eventually, a Grinch heart gets stretched into a Who-heart by the exercise of thanksgiving.  And the result is the spreading of genuine joy to all those around us.


O- opt out.  Admittedly, this one is hard.  "FOMO" ("fear of missing out") is a very real phenomenon that can paralyze us into overactivity, overcommitment, and an under-sized heart.  If we want to enjoy the holidays, we must choose to limit our choices.  For our kids, for our selves, and for our wallet.   Opting out of even some good things can result in opting in to a season of more significance and value.


What about P?
One of the greatest contributors to a Grinch heart (and the unfortunate spreading of Grinch-ness to all nearby....) is the lack of this factor.  Its absence causes stress and overspending and angst for family and friends.  We need to make P a priority......


P - preparation.  This aspect delivers powerful dividends - it is most certainly worth your investment!


Preparing for the holidays takes many forms.  Material (as in gifts and decorations and food), physical (diet, exercise, and rest) and spiritual (the mental and emotional components of the soul!)


At this point of the season, you may feel that it's too late for preparation.  Not at all.  There are lots of things you can do in order to successfully prepare for Christmas even on December 20.....and you can make it your priority to plan ahead for December 2015 ASAP :):)


Let's start with food since everyone has to eat, even on Christmas morning.  Easy, quick and mildly healthy are my objectives.  (And after one of my kids singlehandedly ate the entire bag of Reeces in her stocking before breakfast one year, I decided minimal sugar was probably a good goal for Christmas morning breakfast!)  So in my freezer already are cheese grits casserole, apple -sausage breakfast bake, and plenty of Suzie's rolls to eat with my annual Chambers Christmas Jam.  And since my children are all old enough now to exercise a bit more discipline in devouring the contents of their stockings, I will also serve an overnight coffee cake which is sort of like monkey bread but easy to prepare the night before. 


You probably already have definite plans of where and with whom your holiday meals will be so you can also decide to do as much in advance as possible.  You can deliberately choose to serve foods that allow prep work to be done early and leave little to be finished at the last minute.  So that you can enjoy the time with your family instead of in the kitchen!


Although you can't do much "preparation" in the realm of gifts and decorations at this date, you can do a whole lot immediately after Christmas that will pay off plenty next year.  Take advantage of the post-holiday sales and get the wrapping paper, paper products, and extra decorations for a great deal.  Then store it all together so that when you pull out the boxes next year, you'll already have your supplies right there!
And for gifts, well, these can be purchased all year long!  This helps spread out not only the time element but especially the money factor.  Although there are some gifts that need to be selected close to December 25, there are lots and lots that can just as easily be bought in July.  Presents for teachers, hostess gifts, stocking stuffers, etc.  I already have a reminder on my June 2015 calendar to get the jars I will need in December for my Christmas Jam!


Next, physical.  Now any of you that know me know that I am the last person on this earth to preach diet and exercise to you. You can see that "diet" is simply "DIE" with a "T" and my personal life verse is 1 Timothy 4:8 ("bodily exercise profits little........) but my dear friend Caroline has obviously infiltrated my brain and I therefore acknowledge the benefits of wise food choices and not being a couch potato.  Be intentional about preparing yourself physically for the demands of the season - it can be as extreme as a weekly fasting day for a few weeks prior or as simple as being sure to fill up on fresh fruits and veggies and down adequate amounts of water.  Even if you have a regular fitness routine, the holiday season can throw schedules to the wind.  But since we know this, we can plan ahead to incorporate short bursts of physical activity into our day.  It might be 15 minutes on the treadmill or a game of bench jumping with your kids.  Don't think you have to have time for a "full" workout - just move!
And, let's talk about rest.  I know how easy it is to shortchange this component of our lives.  There are always more things to do and less time to get it done, especially the closer it gets to Christmas Day.  But it doesn't have to be that way.  If you get up early, you can accomplish more with less stress.  Truly.  But in order to do that, you have to get to bed early.  Seriously.  Now I know some seasons of life make this a challenge.  I know all about newborns and sick kids and hormones.  But you don't have to make that the norm nor use that as an excuse.  Your best morning begins the night before.  And if you make a decent bedtime the priority on a regular basis, then you will be physically prepared for the curveballs that come from time to time.


Material, physical, and now, spiritual preparation.  We need to make spiritual preparedness as much as, if not more than, any other aspect of planning ahead.  Filling up our hearts with Truth and worship will overflow into peace and joy and serenity. But we have to purpose to do that because the demands we feel during this season will threaten to convince us we don't have time for spiritual preparation.  We will be "too tired" to get up early enough for devotional time.  We will be tempted to ignore the nudge to set apart time for reflection, worship, contemplation.   We will instead occupy our minds and hearts with frenzy, busyness, even panic.  When the soul is depleted of spiritual food, it cannot respond to the season's challenges with anything but stress. The heart will shrink to...three sizes too small!  In short, Grinch-ness.
  If we want a season of Christmas cheer, then we must prepare for it with determination.  That's the whole idea of the Advent Season.  Some ideas our family has enjoyed are Advent wreaths, Jesse Trees, and service to others.  And always always always, reading the Christmas story and attending worship services!


And that makes for the greatest Christmas cheer of all.


BTW - I am quite aware that I have included this photo numerous times.  On purpose.  Because Jonathan was my inspiration to not "stop Christmas from coming" but rather to "S-T-O-P" Christmas! 


AND because I think these two are da bomb.  And I think you should, too!

How to S-T-O-P Christmas - O

So, in our quest not to be Grinch-like, we are striving to S-Simplify and T-have a thankful heart.  What is "o" for?


Opt out.



Not out of Christmas, mind you, but out of anything that doesn't add value in some way to the season. Value of time or meaning or relationship.


That includes some "good stuff".


With "simplify", we reduced some things that didn't have to be elaborate.  Food, decorations, gifts, and the like.




Now, we are going to opt out - as in eliminate, not participate, decline - a lot!  I warn you, some choices will be painful.  Others will be pure delight and you'll wonder why you never crossed them off your inclusive list before!  But some things that you opt out of will require some courage.  And a commitment to your overall goal - a blessed season.  And you may need some accountability to help you stick to your choice.


A few years ago, I decided to not to Christmas cards.  And I thought I'd die.  I wanted to send out cards to let folks know I wasn't sending out cards just so they wouldn't think I'd forgotten them.  Or worse.  But the time required to get us together for a picture, order cards, and address envelopes before the season ended --- not to mention the expense -- was better allocated elsewhere.  And guess what - in spite of my angst, the sun still rose and Christmas still came...and no friends de-friended me (at least not on account of my lack of Christmas cards, anyway!) 


One year I kept my kids out of the humongous and wildly popular church Christmas program (the one that required weekly practices from Labor Day through mid-December....whew)  That choice was really tough.  But it wound up being an absolutely lovely season with much less frenzy and haste and we got to do some things that we hadn't had time to do before.  Christmas lights at Lake Lanier.  Cookie decorating parties (that lasted more than 30 minutes because that was all the time we previously had!) Stay up late and watch Christmas movies and drink hot chocolate.  Visit retirement homes and love on some lonely folks.  On and on....and I'll bet if you ask my kids about missing that performance, they don't even remember........


I remember when we lived in North Carolina away from family.  The first Christmas there, we busted our tails to get "home" and spend it with all sides of everywhere.  Not because anyone pressured us -- that's just what we thought we should do.  It was crazy.  Didn't feel like much of a celebration.  So the next year, we had our own Christmas at home.  Home for our family unit.  And it was sweet.  We were able to include some folks that didn't have anyone to spend the holiday with.  And build our own memories.  (and just in case grandmothers everywhere are about to hyperventilate, thinking I am going to convince their babies not to come home this year, relax.  We did get "home"  a few days later.  And as far as I know, everyone is still speaking to us.....)


There are some things you can opt out of.  Doesn't have to be Christmas cards or church musicals or travelling far and wide.  It might be saying no to the 6th neighborhood soiree or the 11th kids caroling event.  It might be that you decide not to prepare homemade caramels for 100 friends or not to volunteer at the soup kitchen 4 times during the month of December.  But whatever it is, make your choice....and tell someone else to help you stick to it.  It took me several attempts to take a break from Christmas cards and the only way I finally opted out was the year I asked my husband to help me stick to my choice. 


I don't know what you need to opt out of in order to S-T-O-P a Grinch Christmas at your house.  But there are some things that can go.  And you can figure it out.


And you can have a really Merry Christmas, as merry as all the Who's in Whoville!