My first couple of rodeos - 27 lessons I hoped I had taught

In my earlier post about graduation, I explained how I could anticipate the pain of a child leaving home.  I've done it twice already --- this ain't my first rodeo. 


That got me to thinking about what it felt like those first two times.  Some of the same feelings.  Some different. 

Thought I'd share about those...


Both my first two are girls.  I didn't realize the difference that made until I observed the difference in Paul's response to our son's leaving.  There's something about when the departing child is the same gender.  The anticipatory feelings of loss are the same...but the anxiety about their preparation is a bit different.  When a daughter leaves, the Mom feels responsible for her readiness to face the world.  Apparently, it's the same for sons and Dads.


So when each of my girls left, I felt a sense of panic, actually.  Were they equipped to be women?  Had I trained them adequately? Would they make wise choices?  And if they made wrong ones, could they rebound successfully? And, since I had been primarily responsible for their academic education, I can promise you I fretted about that, too.

I was so fortunate to have somewhere gotten the idea of training them to be able to run the house by the time they turned 12.  (Taken from Luke 2:39-52 where Jesus is left at the Temple and is able to survive without His parents).  So they knew some basics.  But did they know enough to thrive?  I knew they could navigate social media but did they know their way around the social challenges they would face?  Sure, they could balance their checkbooks but would they be able to balance the desires of their eyes and the disciplines of their heart?


I just plain did not know.


And, I promise you, I knew I would feel responsible if they failed.


Thank God (and the prayers of grandmothers) they not only did not fail, they have grown into the loveliest and most successful women anyone ever could.  I pinch myself to be sure I'm not dreaming they are mine.  And I ponder long on the abundant grace of God that took my meager attempts and their fabulous cooperation and did such an amazing job.  Wow.


What things did I want to be sure are imparted to my girls? What lessons did I worry had gone untaught?
  Here they go, in no particular order...


1.  Don't compare yourself to others.  Somebody is always going to seem prettier, more accomplished, better at whatever.  Learn to rejoice for them and to focus on your own strengths.
2.  That said, iron sharpens iron.  Put yourself around others that challenge you to grow and improve and consider new things.  Don't be so insecure that you think you have to look as though you're always the best.
3.  Have a "go to " meal that you can whip out without stress.  You'll need to feed your friends or a fella or a needy neighbor from time to time and you need to be able to do so easily.  For me, that's chicken & dumplings and chocolate chip pie.
4.  Laundry.  Wash reds separately (no matter how small the load) and be able to iron acceptably.  A good crease in a man's pair of pants will come in handy, I promise.
5.  Confidence is great.  I want you to have it.  But don't be sassy.  It won't serve you well.  I promise.
6.  Kindness is always appropriate.  Even to the mean girls and the cocky boys.  Be kind.  You don't have to kiss their feet (in fact, DO NOT do that) but don't be rude.  Just be kind. Or at least quiet!  You won't regret it.
7.  Be on time.  Seriously. Not that there won't be inevitable times of unanticipated delays or detours.  I mean consistently not being on time isn't an endearing or overlookable quirk to be characterized by lateness -it's a character flaw, a narcissistic matter of the heart.  You disrespect others when you are habitually late.  And you discredit yourself.
8.  Don't call boys.  I know that sounds old-fashioned and I can accept some times there would be an exception to that rule.  But make it your standard not to call (or text) boys.  Trust me, if they are interested, they WILL contact you.  If they are not, you don't want to disrespect yourself by contacting them first.  Trust me on this one.  Trust me.
9. I know you know how to clean a bathroom.  So employ that skill on yours on a regular basis.
10.  Be discreet about feminine products and body functions.  That is all I have to say on that.
11.  Don't smack.
12.  Treat all authority with respect.  Actually, treat every living person, creature, and thing with respect.  That means you acknowledge their value and you demonstrate appreciation for that.  Don't trash your surroundings or other people.  Respect.
13.  Don't post pictures of yourself all the time.  Maybe about 1/10 of the times you want to.  Or less.
14.  Ask others about their day, their interests, their hearts. Don't make the mistake of thinking your issues and thoughts are so engaging that others will want to hear about them.  Let others do the talking.  Don't fret when they don't reciprocate - that's what I am for! I really DO want to hear about you!!
15.  Remember that you know which fork to use when, how to make a proper introduction, and to take a hostess gift for weekends at your friend's home.  Remember.
16.  Write thank you notes.  For birthday gifts, for letters of recommendation, for another's investment in your life.  Thank people regularly.
17.  A boyfriend is not a necessary ingredient for your happiness.  You alone determine your joy.
18.  Dress appropriately.  You know what that is.  If you have a question, call me.  Your clothes should acknowledge that you are a woman but prove that you are a lady.  You get the picture.
19.  Spend less than you make.  You know all the Dave Ramsey stuff - adhere to it.  And if you make a money mistake, correction is better sooner than later.
20.  Be able to change a tire and know when to get your oil checked.  Dad isn't always nearby.  (At least know when a tire needs to be changed and where your spare is - sometimes those guy friends really like to be needed!)
21.  Invest yourself in some younger women.  On a regular basis.  They need the affirmation and you need the opportunity to serve. 
22.  Fight jealousy like the plague.  It is toxic and it will destroy your relationships and your own heart.  The antidote to jealousy is to purposefully celebrate the successes of others.  Counterintuitive but completely true.
23.  Don't be critical.  You don't have to pretend all is fine if it's not but you can be truthful without being critical.  It is damaging to others and most importantly, criticism poisons the well of the critic.  Don't be critical.
24.  Don't gossip. 
25.  Don't run low on fuel, on cash, or on sleep.  Always keep enough in reserve to see you through.
26.  Diligently develop discretion and discernment in all areas of your life.  Just do it.


27.  Remember that no matter where you go or what you grow up to be, you are always my girl.  I will always be your greatest advocate, your strongest supporter, and your incessant intercessor.  And I love it when you call.







In honor of the GSU students we lost this week

Over the next few days, five Georgia families will have to walk through the frightful valley that every parent recoils from...they will have to bury a child.  Every Mama in Georgia - maybe even across the whole nation - grieves with them.  There are simply no words to convey the depth of this tragedy.


I don't know these girls.  Only a small connection to a couple of these families.  All I know is that they were training to be nurses, to be one who gives aid to hurting, to promote healing and wholeness.  They were becoming what they were called to be.


And now, in the blink of an eye, they are gone.

Every parent's nightmare.


Except these five Mama's don't get to wake up and find out it was a dream.


It's their new reality.


I wish I had some words to comfort them with.  I don't.


Truthfully, I don't think there are any.


But for those of us walking beside the hurting, here's some things I've learned to do...and not to do.


1.  Don't say you know how they feel.  You don't.  Unless you have been exactly where they are (in which case, you probably know not to say this anyway), you do not know how they feel. 


2.  Don't try to make sense of the tragedy.  There isn't any.


3.  Don't tell them "time will heal".  It won't.  The empty place at the dinner table, the absence at Christmas, the birthdays that won't be celebrated - those don't "heal".  While it is true that they can and may very well learn to live and love and laugh again some day, right now they don't need an empty promise that time will heal.


4.  Don't say "let me know if I can do anything".  They won't.


5.  Don't tell them what they ought to feel or what they ought to do.  That's not up to you.


6.  Don't tell them "she's in a better place".  That may be true (if the one that was lost knows Christ, it is definitely true!) but that's not what they are grieving.  They are grieving that she isn't in the place of being beside them and never will be again.


7.  Don't avoid seeing them because you don't know what to say or do.  I have some suggestions.


Here goes:


1.  Be there.  Yes, it matters if you go.  And if you don't.  The grieving person knows you can't fix this and they don't expect you to.  But being there says you care.  Go.  That helps.


2.  What to say?  Just say "I'm sorry and I am hurting with you."  Let them see you grieve, cry, and hurt.  Shared pain is healing.  Hurt with them. 


3.  What to do?  Mow their lawn.  Take food.  Clean their house.  Take their kids to get their haircut (or whatever!!!!).  Look around at what needs to be done and just do it.  Someone close to the situation will know their needs - ask that person and then just do it.
(I am not advocating taking over all their decisions and controlling their lives but I am saying to take care of what needs to be done so they don't have to do it right now)


4.  Do talk about the one that's gone.  The ones that are left want to talk about them.  They need to know that someone else thinks about them, remembers them, loves them still.  A dear neighbor of mine in NC lost her college age son and she shared with me that she loved it when friends would talk about Bryan.  She thinks about him every single day and to know that someone else does too is a tremendous comfort.


5.  Share a specific memory or significance about the one who is lost.  A letter is a great way to do this because it can be read and re-read, treasured forever.


6.  Remember their birthday. 


7.  Make a gift that will honor the person who died.  Maybe to their favorite charity.  Or a tree that can be planted in their memory.  One of my fav things is to give daffodil bulbs - those are my favorite flower and when they bloom, it's a reminder that  I love them as well as that their loved one will always be remembered.


8.  Give them space. Let them move along at whatever pace they need.  It takes divine wisdom to know when to go and when to leave but grief is not an orchestrated dance.  It's more like a staccato rhythm and if we want to help, we have to be sensitive enough to realize there will be different needs at different times.  Adjust.


9.  Don't compromise Truth but be content that it doesn't have to be absorbed all at once or on any particular schedule.  In God's time, there will be appropriate ways to comfort them with the Truth that we don't grieve as those without hope.  In other words, it's really OK for them to feel angry sometimes.  Let them process.  Let them grieve.  God doesn't reject our emotions.  Read the Psalms if you doubt what I say.


10.  Just LOVE.  Love wins.  Love heals.  Love never fails.  If you are at a loss for what to say or do from time to time, that's OK.  Just love them.


To all the GSU parents, to the whole GSU Eagle Nation, I pour out my heart to you. I am so very sorry for your inestimable loss.  For your indescribable pain.  For the uncertain journey ahead.


I do not have answers for you.  But I do want to tell you that you are not alone.  Our community, our state, indeed our nation is with you.


More importantly, Jesus is with you.  He has not left you.  He will carry you when you cannot walk.  He will hold you tight when you are scared.  He will wipe your tears with His own scarred hand. 


I do not know why He allowed such devastating loss.  But I know He will never leave you and He has not forsaken you.  He loves you.


So do I.


Go Eagles.

























It's time for graduation...and I'm glad!

It's April.  The graduation announcements will soon be arriving in the mail.  Mortar boards are being decorated.  Ceremonies are being planned.  College decisions are finalizing.  And I'm glad.

This year I have one in the mix.  He's finishing up his Senior year, agreeing to room with a stranger, and committing to spend the next four years in the library (right???).  And I'm glad.

As I ponder his future, reminisce about his past, and appreciate his present, I am really glad.

For a lot of things.

I am glad that we taught him how to clean the kitchen, to mow the lawn, and to take out the trash with excellence.

...and I'm glad that we didn't demand perfection.

I am glad that we held the bar high on academics and expected the best he could do

...and I'm glad that we shared our own failures freely so he could learn to give himself grace.

I am glad we chose an unconventional path for his education.

...and I am glad he was included in making that choice.

I am glad we insisted on obedience early on.

...and I am glad for the grace to adjust our expectations when necessary.

I am glad I got to raise at least one man-child and for the mutual influence he and his sisters have had on one another.

...and I am glad for all the guy friends that God placed in  his life to offset the estrogen he lived with at home!

I am glad we were blessed with the means for me to stay home and still afford music lessons and sports activities and some fun family trips.

...and I am glad we could NOT afford everything they wanted to do so they worked to make up the difference.

Yeah, I'm glad alright.

Except that he's leaving.

  This ain't my first rodeo and I know that, come August, the only times I will ever see him is with a suitcase in his hand.  I know that, although life doesn't end when your kid leaves for college, it sho nuf does change. 

And I've liked it just fine the way it's been, thank you very much.

I am well aware of all the NOT glad moments that await me...

 - for the times I'll start to cook  oatmeal scones and wish he were there to eat his favorite breakfast.       

 - for needing to set the table for three instead of four...or five...or six.

 - that the laundry will have far fewer sweaty socks to wash.

 - that the door won't bang every day and a deep male voice won't yell "Mom! What's for lunch?"

 - that I'll be able to get a lot more sleep because there won't be a lanky 6-footer on my sofa wanting to discuss theology and chemistry and girls way into the night

- that there will be fewer chances for hugs and impromptu trips to Academy Sports and cheers  for four fingers above the rim

-for all the times I'll want to share a funny story or ask a question on doctrine or feed him a piece of pecan pie fresh out of the oven only to remember he's not downstairs studying calculus or upstairs strumming his guitar or outside bouncing the basketball.

-for the times I look into the eyes of his Dad and his sister and his dog and realize they are aching for his presence, too.  Those are awfully poignant "not glad" moments.

For sure.

I'm glad he is equipped for this grand adventure called college...because he is equipped for the demands of life.  Not because his parents have done such a great job but rather because he's been so teachable, so determined to learn, so willing to grow. And especially glad that God's grace is abundant and He supplies what is needed to raise my kids well

No, it's not my first rodeo.  So, even though I recoil in anticipation of that familiar pain, I am comforted by the assurance that our "new normal" will bring joy, too.  And I can even be glad for the "not glad" moments because I know their presence over his absence mean we have loved well.  The depth of the "not glad" moments are evidence that the "glad" ones were indeed intense.

For that, I am very glad.

So, if you see me tearing up at the meat counter at Publix as I contemplate the need for a smaller sized roast, don't feel sorry for me.  Just know I'll be experiencing one of those "not glad" moments that are the price tag we pay for all those other "glad" ones.

In case you're wondering, I sure am glad we paid that price.  It's been worth that...and a whole lot more.

.

Choices....and Consequences

There's lots of buzzing going on about "choices".  What choices are good, which ones are right, what should or shouldn't be.  I hear passionate insistence about the right to have the freedom to choose.


Goodness knows I am all for freedom.


It's just that I've come to a conclusion about the root of the debate.


It's about freedom all right.
But.....
We aren't clamoring about freedom to choose.  We want freedom from consequences.





Recently, our President made some remarks that included "we don't want Americans to make that choice".   Here is what he said
Sometimes, someone, usually mom, leaves the workplace to stay home with the kids, which then leaves her earning a lower wage for the rest of her life as a result. And that’s not a choice we want Americans to make.


I do not pretend to read his mind, therefore I cannot know his intent of this remark.  More than likely, he is compassionate towards women in the workforce and wants to help them make as much as possible to support their families.  I do not disagree with that at all.  I have been in the workplace and hoped to be treated with equitability when it came to my paycheck.


Here's what I take issue with -
"And that's not a choice we want Americans to make". 

WHY NOT???


 Why should the government make a value statement about a family's choice to leave, either temporarily or permanently, the workforce?




 All choices have consequences and that includes leaving the workforce to raise a family or staying in the workforce and raising a family simultaneously. That also includes being willing to relocate or not.  Or to take a position that requires extra hours to get the job done well.  Or to be your own boss and never really get a break from work's demands.


 Every family should consider (as best as possibly can be done) the consequences and make the best choice.   The government shouldn't be in the business of evaluating those choices for us --- either by policy decisions or presidential remarks. 


I left the workforce when my firstborn was two years old.  By doing so, I rightly forfeited the salary I was making.  By remaining out of the workforce for over two decades, I have also rightly forfeited the earning power I once had.  I may be a lovely person (at least my Mom says I am!) but I am simply not as valuable to an employer as I was then.  If I were to reenter the workforce, I should rightly expect NOT to be paid at the level I was when I left as well as to wait many years before I would be able to deserve that level again.


That is called "CHOICES AND CONSEQUENCES".


It is NOT the job of government to protect me from the consequences of my choices.


It is NOT the job of government to provide preschools and daycare for my children so that I am protected from losing my earning potential.


It is NOT the job of the government to decide what is more valuable - staying home to raise children or continuing to work so as to preserve earning power.


It is MY job to make those value judgments myself.


It is MY job to make those choices -- and absorb/enjoy the corresponding consequences.






The attitude of "let me make whatever choice I want and then protect me from any undesirable consequences" is pervasive.  We've gone from wanting "level playing fields" to insisting that the fields slant in favor of those who "need" their "self-esteem" boosted.  Forget talent and hard work and persistence - "fairness" means we all get the trophy.


Freedom?  Absolutely.
To make our choices.....and live with their consequences, whatever those may be.