Lego building

My friend Nancy is one of , if not THE, most compassionate, caring, thoughtful folks I know.  She is tenderhearted and merciful and most people would probably expect her to be a pushover. However, she is anything BUT.  So when she shared with me the advice she gives her kids when they face difficulties, I laughed in surprise.  Then I had her repeat it and I ran to write it down.  This is fabulous.  Had to share it with you.

James 1:2-4 says to
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I agree.  Nancy's application of this verse, when she hears someone whining about a problem, is this - "Here's a box of Legos.  Build a bridge and get over it."

Life is for sure going to see that we experience trials.  Sometimes those trials are the natural consequences of our actions.  Most of us (at least outwardly) will take those on the chin.  But those trials that are not the result of our own mistakes, those where we are treated wrongfully or when we suffer because of someone else's error - those, well, they just plain seem unfair.  And it seems only fair that we should get to complain about them.  To whine about the card we have been dealt.  To just plain wallow in a good ole' pity party.  Griping.  Complaining.  Uh, I mean, telling our story.  Anything but rejoicing and trusting God and moving ahead.  But that's exactly what James...and Nancy..are telling us to do.  Stuff is gonna happen.  Not according to your plan.  Get over it.  Actually, we need to get over OURSELVES.  Stuff happens to everybody, not just me, not just you.  Successful people don't sit around whining about problems.

They make sure they have an ample supply of bridge-building Legos.

Growing kids into adults

This post originally appeared March 12,2013

In speaking with some Moms, I have often mentioned that one of the goals for my children is for them to be able to run the house by the time they are 12.  Aside from the fact that I am inherently lazy and want them to do all my work, I do have a Scriptural basis for this objective.  (Wouldn't ya just know it)  When Jesus was 12, His parents left him at the Temple and He was able to fend for Himself for three whole days.  (Now, don't be too hard on Mary for forgetting one of her children.  I figure that by the time Jesus was 12, she probably had quite of brood of kiddos.  And I can completely understand not realizing one was missing.  If I were planning to leave one, though, I'd have left somebody other than Jesus.  Just sayin.
Anyhow, during this time, Jesus found somewhere to stay, figured out how to get Himself something to eat, and stayed out of trouble.  I know, I know - He is GOD and this would've undoubtedly made the job easier.  As in He could have turned rocks into bread or Rocky Road ice cream.  But work with me, here.  Nothing in Scripture is there for "fluff" so I think there are lots of things to be gleaned from this passage. (Luke 2:39-51)  And one such lesson just might be to give us a standard for age appropriate maturity.  So what are we to do with this information? 

That's the basis for  my "be able to run the house by age 12" goal.

One of my friends asked me if I have a literal list to work from.  I don't but that sounds like a great idea.  Especially since Betsy is on the cusp of 12.  I need to be sure I have my (her) bases covered. 

Here are some of the things I try to accomplish with the kids - mostly life skill kind of stuff.  I'd love to hear what kinds of things you train your children in,as well. 

1.  Housework.  I grew up rather indulged, I suppose - we didn't live in the lap of luxury but we did have help with housework.  (Think of the book The Help.  I grew up in the South in the 60's.  This was normal).  Which means I didn't know a thing about housework when I left home.  I survived college w/o learning much in this area, either - apologies to the roomies!)  When I got married, I was shocked that the toilets got dirty and the floorsresembled a Science experiment.  Gone bad.  I eventually figured out that if there is a House Fairy, it must be moi.  So I had to learn how to clean - including WHAT to clean (still working on that - for instance, I went more years than I shall ever admit before knowing that the back of the fridge was supposed to be cleaned routinely.  oops) Fast forward a few years -- Hints from Heloise will never ask me to do a guest column but we are no longer living in filth over here.  No need to be sure guests are up to date on their shots before entering our home.  We are plugging along pretty well.  And my children are able to vaccum, clean a kitchen and bathrooms, mop, dust, and do laundry.  We have a weekly system where certain chores are done on certain days.  You can do whatever works for you.  This is so ingrained into our family that each child will probably report to their adult jobs and expect that on Mondays and Fridays the custodial staff will be cleaning toilets! 
We worked up to this gradually, of course.  They began emptying trash cans and unloading the silverware caddy at age 2.  Great activity for sorting skills! Moved up to dusting and putting clothes away (admittedly, I have low standards for what they look like most days!)  By 9 or so, they should be able to do their own laundry (sorting, washing, drying, and putting away) and by 10, my youngest began doing the laundry for all of us.

2.  Cooking.  Ibid from the housework saga.  I went from my home to the sorority house to apartment life where "cooking" meant a microwaved baked potato.  I can't blame this on my Mom - she is a fabulous cook but my only interst in culinary things was to consume them. This changed when I got married.  My husband thought food on the table was a reasonable expectation.  So I learned...am learning.   And I am teaching my girls and my boy to be able to cook at least some basics.  This not only benefits them later in life -- this is an advantage now.  If Mom is away, they won't starve.  Especially if the pantry is stocked with ramen noodles! (Just to give you perspective on what children are capable of -- one day when I visited my friend Ladells, her 9 and 10 year old were making homemade bread and a lemon meringue pie from scratch.  Uh yeah.)

3.  BASIC yardwork.  Ok, so my girls rarely cut the grass but they did and they can if they have to.  Personally, I love 2 hours alone in the sun on the lawn tractor!!! M boy has pretty much assumed all the grass mowing responsibilities and they all know about picking up sticks, spreading pine straw, and some other things that Dad trains them to do.  Yardwork is still not my spiritual gift....

4.  Cars - this is not a "by age 12" accomplishment but I will mention it here since I don't have a "by age 16 " list.  My husband makes sure they (we...) all understand about oil changes and flat tires and basic maintenance.  I just know that I am to call him when certain lights come on. :)

5.  Personal finance.  We give allowances beginning at age 2.  10 pennies, all laid out by each tiny finger.  Then deposited into 3 pickles jars marked "save", "spend", and "give".  We aren't legalistic about the amount -- something just has to go into each jar.  The "save" jar cannot be touched until time to buy a car.  (Talk about a lesson in delayed gratification!)  The "spend" jar is for whatever they want and the "give" can be for church or a parachurch ministry that they want to support.  By age 10 or so, they are responsible for paying for gifts for family bdays and Christmas and by age 12, they pay for gifts for friends, most optional activities, and a portion ofthings like summer camps.  Also around age 12/13, we turn over a portion of our clothes budget to them and they are responsible for their own clothes purchases.  (At 15/16, they can open a checking account and we set them up with our Merrill Lynch friend to introduce them to Investing 101)

6.  Personal hygiene.  This may sound duh but I actually know some folks whose 12 year olds cannot take their own shower, wash their own hair or remember to use deoderant.  Kids should be able to do this.  So be sure they can!!!

7.  Personal schedules.  By at least age 10, they need to get themselves up and ready in the mornings w/o your help,  As in,  set their own alarm clock. If they get up to too late to style their hair and consequently have to go to church as status quo, they won't do it again.  (I know it goes w/o saying that we are not to be late in order to accomodate them but I can't help myself.  We are not to be late in order to accomodate their slothfulness.  There.  I had to say it.)  Also in the area of personal schedules, my children put their activites on the master calendar in the kitchen.  They know they cannot trust me to remember all they are supposed to do so thisis in their best interest.  :)

8. Relational skills.  They need to be able to answer the phone properly.  Actually, this is required at our house by age 5.  We work for the phone company, ya know!!  They need to be able to issue an invitation, respond to an invitation (can I get an AMEN from anyone who has tried to plan for a party but half the folks don't know what RSVP means???), make introductions, write TY notes, (personally, I believe this is a requirement for admission through the Pearly Gates but perhaps I am overreacting...), and handle inquiries/complaints/suggestions with authorities.  They need to be able to order for themselves at restaurants, check out books at the library alone, and handle purchases  at  checkout.  They need to be able to carry on (pleasant) conversations with those above and below their peer group.  (oh, and by about age 3/4, they need to know what to do if they are lost - including giving their name, and Mom's cell number.)
Brief commercial -- this aspect of training my children has been GREATLY enhanced by my friends Debra Lassiter, Cindy Haygood, and April Mclean.  They run a progam called Perfectly Polished.  It is stellar.  Especially for those of us who are "terribly tarnished".  I suggest you check it out.  And tell 'em I sent you :)


How can you tell if your child has "gotten it"?  One hint is when they do what they are supposed to do without being reminded. When you see that happening, celebrate by having a nice cold one.  Tab, that is.  And if, all on their own, they notice something that needs to be done - and then they do it without being asked - well, then you can check yourself into a nice spa for the weekend.  You have arrived!!

Wow.  I am reminded once again that training children is alot of work and is a job that we all need to be sure we take seriously.  I have been so blessed to get to "do life" with a bunch of folks that are doing a mighty good job at it.  That surely helps my parenting, ya know what I mean??

My friend that inquired about the existence of a list is uber-organized and accomplished.  She will probably take these ideas and turn them into a beautiful laminated and well-laid out "Growing to Maturity" chart.  She's just awesome that way.  The oldest of her 5 is 9.  I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I clearly recall when my firstborn turned 9.  I had myself a good cry over the realization that, in the length of time I had been her Mom, she would be gone. Nope, I didn't tell my friend Christy that.  Too sad.  Especially since hers might do what mine did - and leave a whole year early.  If I had known that then, I would surely have needed medication.
 

Don't aim....miss

My pastor shared a marvelous concept in his sermon the other day.  I am sure he won't mind if I share it with you.                          
  He told us about when he was learning to snow ski  - the instructor told him not to look at the tree or the person that he was headed towards.  Instead, he was told to look where he wanted to go.  He said, if you look at that tree that you want to miss, or that person you are trying to avoid, you will hit it everytime.

That's a great life principle, isn't it?  How many times do we focus so much on what we don't want to be...whether emotionally or physically or spiritually...and then we wind up right there.  We arrive at what we focus on, even if it's not where we want to go.

God exhorts us in Proverbs 23:7 - "As a man thinks in his heart, so he is."  This is not a foundation for "name it, claim it" theology nor for "the power of positive thinking" .  Rather it is instruction for the ski slopes of life - focus on what God wants you to become, not what you want to avoid.  In fact, it's mighty helpful and encouraging to focus on what God says you already are - in Christ, seated in the Heavenlies, precious in His sight, a treasured possession. We can walk in this assurance towards where we want to go, loving God with our whole heart, loving others as ourselves, doers of the Word, enduring hardship, afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; rejoicing, always rejoicing.

Thinking in our hearts, setting our minds on things above.  Don't aim for what's below - miss it instead!

Cross references:

1. 2 Corinthians 4:8 : ch. 7:5; [Ps. 129:2]
2. 2 Corinthians 4:9 : Heb. 13:5; [Deut. 4:31]
3. 2 Corinthians 4:9 : Ps. 37:24; Prov. 24:16; Mic. 7:8

 

Thoughts on Las Vegas Tragedy

If you're feeling like I am right now, you are simultaneously sad AND angry.

I am intensely grieved for the victims and families affected by this recent act of senseless violence.

And I am also intensely angry at this, once again, recent act of senseless violence. 

I am really sad and really angry.

So I blog. I have no expectations of making sense of this tragedy but maybe sorting through my thoughts will move me closer to emotional equilibrium.  Maybe reading this will help you progress as well.  I would love to hear your thoughts - please weigh in with your insight and let's help one another along.

1. Do not politicize this tragedy. In an effort to make some sense of this, to come to terms with this, to reach a safe place where this won't happen again, it is so tempting to assign blame to "the other side".  This won't help us heal. Resist that urge. While I am all for security  measures, we must accept that fact that more laws are not the answer. As much as we want to protect ourselves from evil, we cannot.  See #2.

2. Apart from the grace of God, this world is evil. And all who live in it.  This tragedy underscores the truth that the heart is deceitful.  There appear to be no signs that would alert us that this was coming...unless we could see what is in another's heart. And we cannot.  We can't even know our own  hearts! God  created a perfect world that included people with the free exercise of will.  The ability to love and obey Him or to not. And people (that would include you and me, not just Adam and Eve) exercised that free will and ruined His perfect world.  The effects of sin, compounded generation after generation, result in unimaginable evil.    The choices of all people impact all other people.  (We tend to ignore that immutable truth - on small scale and large scale.)  This world is scarred and troubled.  And while we live in it, we are going to be impacted by the actions of others.  Others are impacted by our actions.  And, although I would love to believe that all people are basically good, that is the furthest from Truth that I can get.  All people are basically bad and in need of a Savior.  And I hate this part but I must say it -- all people are capable of all sorts of evil. Man's heart is evil.  Sin has corrupted the human race.   Apart from the grace of God, every one of us has the potential to have been that shooter.

3. God is sovereign. Inevitably, in the face of such horrific acts, we ask, Why did God let this happen?  All those innocent people!   I cannot give an exhaustive answer but I do know that He allows people the freedom to choose.  And for the world to suffer the consequences of those choices. And He is not distant and unmoved and silent.  I believe there were angels all over that concert arena. Guiding.  Directing. Comforting. And He will continue acting in mercy.  See #4.

4. The kindness of God  - I believe that He allows terrible things to happen, not only because they are consequences of the sin of mankind, but also to show His authority and capacity to bring good out of evil.  The shooter intended this for evil but God purposes it for good.  He could have opened up the Earth and swallowed that gunman up...but He didn't.  So, because He allowed it, I know that He is loving and faithful to bring everlasting good from it.  For all who are called by His name and according to His purpose. Already there are thousands of hearts moved to act in response to this evil. People are donating blood, ministering to victims, praying, comforting one another...showing evidence of the grace of God in the lives of men. 

5. The brevity of life. I think  it is safe to say that not one of those people attending that concert planned on not coming home that night.  They expected to get up the next morning, get kids ready for school, go to work, celebrate an enjoyable evening. Instead, their plans were permanently altered.  59 people are in Eternity and hundreds more will never return to the "normal" they knew. What a reminder that Life here is uncertain, brief, and able to change without a moment's notice.

6. What, then are we to do? In the face of these somber truths?  Probably a million things but here are some suggestions for processing our way through this...

- Talk with your kids.  If they are old enough to know what happened, talk with them. Comfort and encourage them. Admit you (we) do not have "the answers" but encourage them with Truth. (see 1-5). 

- Do not become numb to such tragedy and evil.  When I heard news reports of how great the market did Monday, I felt sick. I have no idea what that means or how it relates to this event but just that very report made me face the fact that we are capable of becoming callous to such horror. Dear God, do not let that happen! Instead, let us

- GRIEVE!  Heart-wrenching, body-racking, sobbing grief.  God forbid that we should ever be callous to the consequences of evil.  Events like this should evoke tears and pain and heartache.  Grieve over what has happened.  Grieve for what those victims' families are facing. Cry and sob and hurt.

-Compassion.  This is active grief.  Don't just feel the pain - HELP those that are hurting.  If you live nearby, get off the sofa and do something to help.  I don't know what specifically you can do but find out.  Then do it.  If you don't live nearby, you can still do something.  Ask God to show you.   Donate to a charity in the name of a victim.  Take cookies to the police station in your area just as appreciation for their job.  I don't know what you should do but figure out a way to channel your grief into compassion for others.  Do something!!

-Pray.  This one can sound so glib.  Such a Sunday School answer.  But it's the truth.  Probably the most productive response to evil is to pray.(see Matthew 6:13)  Pray for the families of those who are left.  Pray for the family and friends of the perpetrator.  Pray for those who are handling the investigation, dealing with the aftermath, making decisions.  Pray for those who witnessed it.  Those who survived.  Pray for our nation, our world....our own selves. Pray that God would grant us grace, knowing that we all are capable of falling captive to such evil.  

-Increase the urgency to share the Gospel.  Events like this cruelly remind us of the brevity of this life.  As well as the natural inclination of mankind's heart of sin.  Events like this can be the red alert to the world, telling us all that we need a Savior.  That one day we will all give an account for what we have done.  And, apart from the imputed righteousness of Christ, we don't stand a chance of that day going well for us.  The people in Las Vegas and Orlando and Aurora and Virginia Tech and Columbine....and Watkinsville and Athens and wherever you live...need to know that there is a Savior.  A Savior that can save them from the consequences of their sinful condition.  In Eternity...and right now.  A Savior that can bind up their broken hearts and equip them to face this unbearable pain and to carry on.  A Savior that can even bring healing and beauty and joy.  

- But do not fear.  I repeat, do not fear.  Psalm 23:4 says "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will FEAR NO EVIL."  Our natural response to tragedy is what I call "the bunker mentality".  When the events of 911 unfolded, I wanted all my peeps home.  In the same room with me.  Probably forever.  And while it is good to draw comfort from those we love, we cannot and must not crawl into our bunker, pulling all our children with us, and try to create a perfectly safe environment.  It won't work.  And if we try that, we plant seeds of fear and insecurity in our children.  Seeds that will bloom into all sorts of unproductive weeds.  Instead of recoiling from these tragedies, we must assure our children (and ourselves) that, while evil does exist, God is good.  And He loves us.  He will punish the evildoers and He will take care of us. He will not leave sin unpunished.  We cannot promise them that evil will never befall them but we can promise them that He will never leave us.  That He is the divine alchemist, who can take pain and sorrow and tragedy, and turn it into golden good.  And that one day, one glorious day, those that love Him will get to live in a perfect world.  Where no evil can come in.  

 

It's harvest time. What'd ya plant?

This time of the year, harvest is on the horizon.  Love the end of summer fruits and veggies and the fall delights soon to come.  Makes me think of spiritual parallels...

Blessed is the man
    who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
    nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree
    planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
4 The wicked are not so,
    but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Psalm 1:1-4

I want that "prospering in all he does" and "yielding fruit" and "not withering" part, don't you?  How can we become women like this?  Instead of ones that get blown away by the winds of life?

Here's what this Psalm exhorts:

1.  Not following wrong counsel.  Sounds simple and straightforward, doesn't it?  But it's not.  Wrong - wicked - counsel is everywhere.  Magazines, well-intentioned friends, talk shows, and blogs :)  It's extremely easy to find (and to follow).  It's harder to learn to discern wise counsel from the wicked.  To recognize lies in contrast to God's ways.  And then to obey it. But that's what successful women learn to do.
 

2. Loving the Truth and the ways of God.  Making God's Word a priority in terms of time and treasure.  Studying it.  Finding joy in it.  It's a challenge to find the time to do this in the midst of all our demands.  But successful women learn that this is the key to meeting all those demands.  Just like we eat because we're hungry, not because we have to - successful women feast on The Word of Life.






When these things characterize a life, that person will be full of life.  Vibrant, constantly nourished by life-giving water.  This life will be like a strong tree that won't be torn down by strong winds.  Its leaves won't dry up when the heat bears down. 


Instead, this life will be a source of fruit for those around it.  Rich.  Abundant.  Prosperous.






One last thought - this fruit is borne "in its season". 


Fruit is borne in one season but it's been planted and fertilized and nurtured throughout preceding ones.


Hmmmmmm. 


May we be ones that are tending to our vines so that the season of fruit production will be rich.

Reposting from August 2014.