The Loneliness Epidemic - part 2

Last post we began looking at the problem of loneliness, actually the epidemic. This issue is indeed pervasive but we only have to look inside our own hearts to see how painful it is. In spite of more ways than ever to connect with other people, individuals seem to feel less and less so.

We looked at some things that contribute to the problem: maybe it's more that we are just more willing than ever before to admit it but studies reveal that the loneliness problem is steadily worsening. Things such as busy lives, transience of people, technology, social media and perhaps even unrealistic expectations have helped to create a culture where everybody is together but feeling alone.

It's not enough to examine the problem - I want us to offer some help.  

And that's exactly what I got when I solicited input from you all.  What follows are some suggestions from readers, from my own experience, and from some "experts" (which probably just  means "folks that get paid to offer advice"!)

Let's begin with this - God designed us for relationship.

Relationship with Him, first of all, but also with one another. It is good and wise and desirable that we experience "community" with others.  One of my favorite New Testament words describes this very thing: "koinonia"- fellowship, sharing, participating together. It's God's gift to His people, an avenue of blessing us...and of transforming us.

SO, while it is right to desire and to pursue relationship with others, there are some things to keep in mind.  Hopefully these tips will help us combat the problem of loneliness not only in our own lives but also in the lives of others.  Read on...

1. Guard against unrealistic expectations. No one human can meet all the emotional needs of another. Not even a spouse! (That doesn't mean we need more than one spouse !!!) Sometimes loneliness sets in because we expect more from people than they are equipped to give - that leaves us disappointed and sad. Look to God as the primary filler of your soul, the foremost source of joy and the only constant comfort.  Only after He is in His rightful place in our lives, are we suited to look to others to fill our relational cup. One reader shared that loneliness comes when we are looking for worldly acceptance. Great point. Don't expect the world to meet our need to be accepted and known.  Not only should we be careful not to hope that ordinary humans can meet our DIVINE needs, we should also not place all our human needs on the back of just one person.  It's healthy to have 2-3 close friends, not just one. (Even if hubby is your BFF like mine is, don't expect him to think, react, and understand like a girl  - we need good girlfriends in our lives!)

2. On that same note, think of friendships as flowers - some will be annuals and some will be perennials but all can serve to bring beauty to our lives. Accept that not every relationship will last as long as you want it to. For a variety of reasons, things change. Some people are in our lives forever and that is a great blessing. Others, though, are only there for a season. Those can still be beautiful blessings, too! It's not only daffodils and roses that enhance our yards so let's not allow fear of disappointment prevent us from experiencing some of those beautiful marigolds and zinnias!!

3. Speak out loud the words "I am lonely" or sad or anxious, etc. One reader shared how powerful it is to voice these words, particularly to another person, but even just aloud to the air. This serves to diffuse the undesirable state of your soul.  I did a little research on the subject and some experts say that verbalizing the emotions actually release chemicals that dissipate the negative feelings. So it's not merely a psychological impact but actually a physiological one as well!  I think maybe it has a connection to the humility principle - when we are willing to admit our need, God rushes to our aid, opposing the proud (those unwilling to admit need) but giving grace to the humble!

4. Take regular (and prolonged) breaks from social media. We established in the last post how social media can contribute to the loneliness epidemic - it creates a false sense of reality, it compounds the problem of comparison, and it prevents authentic human connection. SO take a break from it! At least a day a week. And maybe every so often, take off a month or two...or three... This is not only healthy for us as adults but it is a critical example for our kids. Get off Facebook for a while!

5.Wives  - encourage your hubby to pursue male friendships! He needs this desperately but oftentimes good husbands are hesitant to take time away from family to do guy stuff. Because they feel guilty.  Do not require/demand his constant attention and availability. Let him feel free and affirmed to not be home helping you! This will actually help you more in the long run. Let your man be a man, not a "male girlfriend". (And if you are reading this and rolling your eyes because you have a hubby who is "always" gone, take this up with the Only One who can bring about change.  In the meantime, read the article mentioned in the last post about men and friendships and rest assured that you are contributing to your hubby's good health!)

6. Meet the needs of others. When those feelings of loneliness begin to overtake you, remind yourself that you are not the only one. Somebody else is feeling lonely too. You can solve two problems with one action if you reach out to someone else. Visit a widow. Or a nursing home. Take a meal to a mom with several littles (this probably will earn you a friend for a lifetime!). Ask God to open your eyes and your heart to someone else and watch what He does for you!

7. Don't waste your loneliness. Believe it or not, being lonely can bring about some good things. In the relational desert of loneliness, we can find the deepest intimacy with our Father. Being still - and alone - is the way we can get to know Him.Immerse yourself in His Word , especially the Psalms. There are such treasures in there, such comfort and healing and wisdom. It is very encouraging to learn that spiritual giants of the Old Testament wrestled with loneliness!  And in the Psalms, we see how they leaned into God as their refuge. We can learn to do that, too  He can use our loneliness as a catalyst for transformation in our lives, developing depth and wisdom and tearing us away from self-centered living. If you are battling loneliness, let it be God's instrument for good. In our lives and into the lives of others.

8. Ask God.  More than one reader testified to the willingness and ability of God to supply what we need. In everything...including the need for a friend.  Ask Him to send you a friend...and to send you to be one to someone else.

If you have more suggestions to add, I'd love to hear from you.  Let’s fight this epidemic one heart at a time!

The Loneliness Epidemic

Probably everyone reading this has said or thought at least once "I feel lonely".  Many, many, many people have felt that way more times than can be counted. And it's not always easy to detect in others - oftentimes the people we least expect to feel lonely (because they have lots of FB friends, seem to be happy, and are very busy) are actually very lonely inside.

The amazing thing to note is that,  in spite of the fact that most, if not all, people experience loneliness, when we feel lonely we feel like we are the only one.  It's like everybody is feeling alone together! It really is pervasive - across gender lines, social roles, economic classes and spiritual beliefs.  There are lots and lots and lots of lonely people. The late Mother Teresa called it "the leprosy of the modern world". Christian counselors are calling it "an epidemic."

I hear from a lot of women that they are lonely. There seems to be a feeling of helplessness and inadequacy associated with it. I want to help. So I solicited input from you readers, did some research on my own, and compiled pages of notes on the subject. Your responses were wonderful!  So very helpful - thank you!!

So let's look at it together. What is it?  How does it affect us?  And what can we do about it?

What is loneliness? 

It's a bit awkward to "define" loneliness because I think we all know in our gut what loneliness is...all too personally...but let's begin there and move forward -  Loneliness refers to the sadness of feeling unknown and unaccepted. These sad feelings can develop into and/or include anxiety, fears, and depression. Loneliness crosses all lines of gender, social roles, economic classes, and ages. Indeed, it is pervasive. 

Ironically,this sadness usually causes us to withdraw even more, which of course results in further isolation, preventing new potential relational bonds from forming and even weakening existing ones. More loneliness results. It is exacerbating. And it appears that epidemic is getting worse. Or maybe it's that we are more prone to admit it. Much research bears this out.

For example, a study by sociologist Jean Twenge, reveals that depression and loneliness (social disconnection) are reportedly higher today than even 10 years ago. Significantly so.

,https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/

Lest we think that loneliness is a "teen thing" or a "woman thing", check out this article in The Boston Globe to learn just how serious a threat it is to men https://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2017/03/09/the-biggest-threat-facing-middle-age-men-isn-smoking-obesity-loneliness/.

 And it's not just that loneliness produces psychological consequences; as this study explains, loneliness is a significant long term risk factor to physical health.   In fact, one study ranks it as high as smoking in terms of impact on our bodies because our bodies respond to these feelings with increased cortisol, higher blood pressure, and weakened immune systems.

Gulp.

So, as a result of loneliness, society as a whole sees repercussions relationally (further isolation often follows feelings of loneliness),  emotionally (depression and anxiety), and even physiologically (long term risk factor to health).

This is indeed a serious problem.

What causes loneliness? And, what can be done about it? My own research and you readers gave me lots of insight...

First, what are some causes of this epidemic? We can cite several contributing factors:

Busyness       This is an issue for nearly everyone. In fact, we often proudly wear "busy" as a badge of honor because we think that being busy equals significance! We are sadly misguided in this perception. We have also conditioned ourselves, in this "culture of immediacy" to treat relationships like instant grits. We apparently expect meaningful relationships to develop quickly and without much effort because we live in a "microwave world".  When bonds of affinity don't deliver as expected, we discard them and move on to the next "potential instant".  

 Transience    This society is easily the most mobile and most frequently mobile in all of history. Such mobility causes us to lose the repetitive contact necessary to build relationships.  Not only are we uprooting to new cities or neighborhoods, we are also experiencing social migration when we stay put. For example, people alter church attendance, change social clubs, and move in and out of activities rapidly. We have all experienced developing an enjoyable friendship with a Mom at our kids' soccer practice only to have soccer season end and the connection is lost. We have to begin again with new basketball moms! It takes a lot of time and energy and effort to maintain the relationship once circumstances move us on.

Technology - Now, don't tune me out.  I am not going to bash technology!  I love being able to get a message to someone while I am in a meeting instead of having to remember to make a call an hour later (foggy old brain). Using FindFriends to see if Chip made it to London instead of waiting on a phone call. FaceTime with my grands. And streaming movies on UVerse - all are absolutely wonderful uses of technology!  But we must face the truth that technology allows us to be socially lazy, perhaps even to avoid relational contact.  We text instead of call. We watch movies alone at home instead of going out. We google the answer instead of asking someone else.  While technology offers a zillion advantages, we also need to realize that it has the potential to isolate us. Perhaps the most significant contribution to loneliness it makes is how preoccupied we are with it. If you wonder what I mean, watch a group of moms at a playground with their kids and see how many are checking their phones instead of interacting with the lives around them. The lives of their own kids as well as potential new friends.

While we are on the subject of technology...

Social Media           I am not here to trash all social media.  I love the fact that I can reestablish connection with my high school and college friends!  I love that I can show pictures of Betsy playing the piano or my gorgeous grandchildren just looking gorgeous (OK, brag....sorry). And I certainly love the fact that I can share my blog with you this way!  But social media is not without some serious problems, not the least of which is its contribution to loneliness.   Social media is honestly addictive and being preoccupied with it reduces opportunities for meaningful interaction. It also gives the illusion of connection - we assume that, because we have 1000 FB friends, we should be fulfilled relationally.  Not so. Superficial connections fail to satisfy. As the number of relational bonds increase, the level of intimate bonding decreases. Meaningful relationships require significant investments of time and effort (for example - that is why we love our kids so much!) and FB does not afford that kind of opportunity.  Social media is also a comparison trap.  When we are idly scrolling through our newsfeed and we encounter pictures  of what looks like a really fun time that didn't include us, we can not only feel disappointed...we can feel lonely.  We ask ourselves why we weren't included.  We question what is wrong with us.  And we fall into comparing our happiness factor to our "FB Friends"- and it seems that they are winning.

Circumstances    Sometimes life throws us a circumstance that contributes to our loneliness.  I heard from moms of special needs kids, widows, and "single agains" that often feel left out, lonely, even excluded because their circumstances are not "mainstream".  This reality breaks my heart.  Like A LOT.

Unrealistic expectations - this one is hard.  How much do our own unrealistic expectations actually cause us to feel lonely when they are unmet?  It's hard to assess because we are designed by our Creator to need, to seek, and to desire relationships. He blesses, applauds, and urges relationships in His Word and by the example of Jesus. (Ecclesiastes 4:9 - Two are better than one and John 14:18 - I will not leave you as orphans just to mention a couple of places) In fact the very presence of Jesus on earth, leaving Heaven to become a man,  to dwell among us, and to teach us how to get along, testifies to God's desire for us to have fellowship with Him...and with each other.  The problem comes when our expectations of relationships exceed what God intends us to have.  Such as looking to another person to fill  us up to overflowing with love or to make our happiness their purpose. Or when we place unreasonable demands on another's time and attention. This only leads to disappointment, pain, and often causes the other person to pull away.  More loneliness.  We begin to interpret "life" through a narrow lens of "self" - what hurts me, what makes me happy, what do I need. Such self-focus makes the loneliness problem much worse. One reader suggested that the root of this is seeking worldly acceptance, trying to please ourselves,  and that will always let us down!  Amen!

Yes, there are many causes to this genuine epidemic. It almost feels hopeless to stand against the tidal wave, doesn't it? Our soul wants to be fully known, and fully loved.  We crave this because this is how God made us. The degree to which we do not feel known and loved is the degree to which we feel lonely. Factors such as busyness, mobility, social media, life's assignments can all work against us and lure us to attempt to combat the problem with ineffective weapons.

So, what are some things that will help? Is there anything we can do to make it better?

Next time we will look at some things we can do - some practical suggestions in the battle against our own personal loneliness.  

He is Risen!

He is Risen Indeed!

I pray that today you will experience and celebrate the One who satisfied the demands of a Just God by His death, who defeated the fear of death by His resurrection, and who equips us to live even now by His intercession.  He was.  He is.  He is to come.  Hallelujah!  Amen!

Happy Easter, my friends!

Reading notes - week 42 - Help has arrived...it's been here all along actually

When the servant of the man of God rose early in the morning and went out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was all around the city. And the servant said, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” He said, “Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. 2 Kings 6:15-17
I believe with all my heart that one of the activities in Heaven is going to be for God to show us “behind the scenes” what was going on throughout our life. And then we will get to see how God protected us, guided us, and provided for us through His Heavenly messengers. That is going to be so very exciting! I sort of imagine that I might sit down with Jesus with a Heavenly bowl of popcorn in front of a screen stretched out across Eternity and watch with Heavenly eyes how the events of my life played out. And I’ll not only be able to see things I’ve never seen before but I also will view them through the lens of Eternity…I’ll be able to see what God was up to, how He was accomplishing His plan for me and through me. What a truly incredible showing that is going to be!
When I think about that, about what is going on around me that I cannot see, I find encouragement. Instead of feeling defeated by the battle I am in or discouraged by the attack I am under, I am strengthened by the assurance that God is fighting for me. And His warriors are stronger than those of the enemy.
Is there a battle going on in your life that has you scared, or at least worried? Maybe you feel panicked or even hopeless as a result of the attack. Maybe the enemy seems not only to outnumber you but also to be racking up victories at your expense. But the truth is, there is more that’s for you than against you. You just can’t see it when you’re in the midst of the attack unless God opens your eyes.
Like Elisha, we just need to ask. And then God will open our eyes to see that He is at work on our behalf in a thousand different ways. He is preserving us, He is unfolding His plan…He is not absent nor unwilling or unable to help. His warriors are all around us…ask Him to let you see with spiritual eyes what He is doing…how He is fighting for you…and the help He has provided.
And like the young servant, let that assuage your fear. Do not dismay. Do not give up. Help is here!