What cathedrals can teach us about parenting...

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And I will also be diligent that at any time after my departure you may be able to call these things to mind 2 Peter 1:15

This verse has long been my parenting prayer, that not only would I work hard to invest God’s Word in my children,but especially that they would remember His timeless truths long after my voice has been silent. These past couple of weeks, as I’ve watched the reports on the burning of the regal Notre Dame Cathedral, this passage keeps coming to mind.

The world continues to mourn the burning of this masterpiece. And rightly so. Even though I never saw it except in pictures (based on social media posts, I am fairly certain I am in the 1/2 of 1 % of the world who falls in this category!), I can easily appreciate its beauty, its splendor, and even more, its significance.

Its significance. What it stands for, what it represents, what it epitomizes.

Of course, the breathtaking architecture. And especially the spiritual magnitude it embodies. But there are other beautiful buildings, other majestic places of worship. Why does the loss of this ancient cathedral hit us all so hard?

I think it has something to do with its construction. All that went into getting it built. Over a century of labor, generations of workers toiling without any of the modern technological advantages. Resulting in grandeur almost beyond our imagination. A whole lot of hard work.

And the message that kept beating in my heart related to parenting. Well, of course! And I was reminded of the above passage in 2 Peter and it resonated all the more.

Let’s unpack my thoughts together……

First, what did it take to construct this marvel of history?

A whole lot of hard work over 150 years! The plans for Notre Dame, according to historical reports, were relatively simple drawings, based on “elementary mathematical ratios” . The concept for construction was passed down from one generation of workers to the next, a “collage of architectural trends and leadership rather than the culmination of one person’s vision”. (Notre Dame construction/visualartscork.com) Surely, the majority of these laborers (whose names are not preserved for posterity) knew they would never see final product! And yet, millions of people have benefited from their work; untold numbers have enjoyed and appreciated the beautiful product of their endeavors.

I was struck by the similarities to parenting….

First of all, raising kids is A LOT of hard work! And it takes place over a long period of time - as in a lifetime! Can I get an “Amen!”??? Don’t get me wrong - I absolutely know it’s worth it. For sure. But can we all just admit the truth - it’s a lot of hard work! A lot of hard work done in anonymous obscurity, too. Untold efforts that no one ever notices….just like those cathedral laborers….

And, for a lot of seasons, it can feel like a thankless job. I mean, I don’t know about you, but not a single one of mine during the toddler years thanked me for changing their diapers, much less for training them to obey authority immediately. Quite the opposite, in fact - they fought me every step of the way!

So we can identify with those cathedral-builders, can’t we? We understand what “diligence” means!

But I take a lot of comfort from the thought that these magnificent cathedrals were based on relatively simple plans. It’s quite tempting to think that not only is there some SECRET magic formula for parenting, but also that it’s so complex we could never attain to it. When in truth, that is just not the case! God’s Word holds all the principles we need for the job. Seriously. The Bible gives us wisdom and power for how to treat people - and that’s what parenting is, treating little people. It’s a lot of hard work, to be sure, but it’s not unbearably complex. And, as we learn and grow ourselves, we can adjust our application of the Truths that do not change. That’s comforting.

At the same time, however, it is beyond our ability to do it successfully, alone. Just as these grand cathedrals required massive resources, so does parenting. The primary resource, of course, is the work of the Holy Spirit. It is He and He alone who can grow these kids of ours into masterpieces, He and He alone who can transform self-centered hearts into vessels of beauty and blessing. So the first resource for cathedral-building is the Holy Spirit — His Wisdom, His guidance, His power.

Sometimes, God supplies what we need for parenting through other people. It’s all still from Him but often He gets the job done through the gifts and presence of others. That’s surely been my experience! A piano teacher, a coach, social etiquette programs, Sunday School teachers, even the parents of my kids’ friends - all have played extremely significant roles in equipping my little cathedrals for grandeur. I am way too inadequate to even think I am all they need so I gladly rely on the strengths of others to contribute to my kids’ lives. (But I am mighty picky about who is in their “child-raisin’ village”….just sayin….)

Maybe the most critical element of cathedral building - other than that it’s a lot of hard work (did I mention that already?) - is embracing the truth that the fruit of our labor will not be finished in our lifetime. To be sure, we do get to enjoy some fruit. Thank the Lord! Some results of the work will be visible before we are gone and that is indeed precious. Treasure beyond compare.

But most of who our kids will be won’t be visible in our lifetime. The lives they will bless are largely in a future we won’t visit. And, yet, we know the future — and the fruit — will come…so we keep building. We learn a little more and tweak a little here. We involve the strengths of others and praise God for His supply. Mostly we invite the work of the Holy Spirit - in their lives and ours - and we wait. Working while we wait. Praying while we work. Trusting that the construction will be beyond our ability to imagine.

And, knowing that, unlike those cathedral laborers, One Day, we will get to see the final product. Living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ (I Peter 2:5). Glorious testaments to the work of our great God, “buildings” that He so graciously allows us to be part of building. For we are God’s fellow workers; you are God’s field, God’s building. (I Corinthians 3:9) And, although we won’t see the completion of these buildings while we are in this life, we are encouraged to be diligent because God promises that our work will follow us into Eternity (Revelation 14:13)

According to the grace of God which was given to me, as a wise master builder, I laid a foundation …(I Corinthians 3:10)

Next time you think about the Notre Dame cathedral, remember that you’re in the same business. Only what you and I are building cannot be destroyed by fire.

Hallelujah and Amen!

In the battle of life....

This post originally appeared May 2013

We all know that we live in a hurting world.  Each one of us has been hurt.  And, truth be told, each one of us has hurt others.  Sometimes we condemn the behavior of others, labeling them as mean or callous or weak...when actually, they are processing hurt.  In the only way they know how.

Today's post is about3 ways we process pain.  I doubt that these are the only 3 ways but, in my observation of others and in my own experience, theseare the general categories I have found. I hope that this will increase our understanding of others - and of ourselves - and perhaps that will help us help others -- and ourselves -- process hurt more victoriously.


Think of life like a battlefield.  War being waged.  We get hit by artillery.  Sometimes the enemy is the one aiming the gun.  Sometimes it's "friendly fire".  (What a dumb name, by the way!) We are wounded deeply.  And, in the case of this kind of battle, the source of the bullet matters.  A lot.

What do we do when we get hit?  Probably one of three things.  1) We lie on the battlefield, with the war raging around us, bleeding profusely and hoping someone will rescue us.  Sometimes our fellow soldiers are so preoccupied with their own battle that they don't notice the carnage.  Other times, someone does notice but does nothing.  Perhaps it's because they don't know what to do but usually their neglect is interpreted as a lack of concern.  And the bleeding increases.

2) We attack.  With hermorrhaging wounds, falling blood pressure, and infection already setting in, we "ready, shoot, aim" at any available target.  We might hit the one who delivered our injury but most likely we just fire at whomever is nearby.  We probably know that this won't heal the wounds we have sustained but we think that at least it will prevent further injury. Usually not the way it works.  Not only are those surrounding us hurt, but the damage to our own wounds increases.  And other injuries are added, resulting in scarring.

3) We withdraw.  Again, this might not be an attempt to recover from the damage but instead an effort to avoid further trauma. This indeed can prevent further casualties from external sources but it often increases the chances of self-inflicted ones, especially self-administered anesthesia.  And, while it might protect us from pain, it also serves to prevent our reception of help and healing.

I've reacted to hurt in all three of these ways.  In fact, I've used all three tactics practically simultaneously!  None work very well to achieve the healing we seek. 

So, here's the tip for the day.  More than one, actually.  First, regarding your own injury response.  In some cases, it is beneficial to seek care from someone you know is compassionate.  Let them apply a tourniquet and get the bleeding to slow.  But don't expect someone else to daily dress your wounds, provide for your constant care, hunt down your enemy, and protect you from future attack.  While emergency response from a kind soul can be what you need initially, long term rehab is up to you. 
And that rehab might include a temporary reprieve from the battlefield.  Just be very cautious about remaining in seclusion.  An atrophied soul is bitter and unresponsive to all things good.  If you seek care in the withdrawal mode, this time it needs to be from a truth-telling friend, not a merciful one.
And if you are prone to the "attack" response, educate yourself during a time when you are not injured as to how much collateral damage can result when you attack while wounded.  Then ask God to remind you of that when you are tempted to open fire.

Victorious recovery won't come unless you acknowledge that battle wounds happen to all of us.  You're not the only one.  You're not the first and you won't be the last to sustain injury in this thing called "life".  To put it bluntly, you gotta get over it.  This is probably the biggest hurdle.  We are so prone to think no one else hurts like we do!  But get over it we must.  Healing is on the other side. And it rests in the arms of our dear Savior, who understands and cares and has the power to restore.  He is gonna ask you to do some tough things (like praying for the one who delivered your blows!) but trust Him.  He's got your back.  And your front.  And your sides. And your healing is His agenda.

Last tip - be mindful of the fact that everyday you encounter hurting people.  Remember this when they attack or withdraw or when you see them bleeding and gasping for air on the ground below you. If you can manage to respond with love and patience and kindness and grace, you might very well help them recover. Don't ignore or misinterpret them.  Don't accept their brushoff as rejection.  Try to see instead their pain.  Please try.  Somebody out there needs you.  And, who know, one day, they may be the one wiping blood off your face and tending to your wounds!