Building a Bond for Generations

This is a compilation of notes from a conference session on "Moms and Daughters" but  these are principles I apply in parenting all my children, not just my daughters.

The main thing to take away from this is encouragement.  If you and your daughter clash, or aren't close, or you feel handicapped because you and your own Mother are at odds, do not despair.  That does not have to define the relationship between you and your daughter.  Be prepared to be patient, commit to lots of prayer, and expect teethmarks on your tongue from not saying some things you want to.  But you can have the sweet, intimate, long-lasting bond you hope for and you can begin a legacy that can endure for generations.  I believe with all my heart that you are the "perfect" Mom - for your daughter.  Because you have been chosen by God Himself to parent her and He Himself will equip you in the best way.  I know there are myriads of books out there that tell you "the best way" to parent but I think that the best way is the way God leads YOU.  Learn all you can from whomever but ultimately, listen to HIM.  What I am sharing with you are just some things I've learned from my Mom and from my own parenting - take what resonates with you and leave the rest.

Here are the "HELPS" I shared for Moms:


H - Honor your own Mom.  Cannot overstate this.  The example set by how we treat our own mothers (and mothers-in-law.....) is way more powerful than what we say to our own girls.  It's OK if your Mom isn't your BFF but if you treat her (or her memory) with respect and grace and understanding and forgiveness and value, you're far more likely to reap the same from your daughter. Sure, our Moms drive us crazy sometimes - and it works the same in both directions! Extend grace.  Repeatedly.  Resist the temptation to blame your own shortcomings on your upbringing.  (I gave that up pretty soon after I saw for myself how hard parenting is!)  I'm not talking about denial or enabling or covering up truth - I'm talking grace and honor and kindness.  Remember that mercy is most needed when it's least deserved.

E - Empathy and encouragement.  Two of the most powerful tools in our parenting arsenal.  And their negative reciprocals are two of the most destructive.  Remember that.  By empathy, I mean seeing things from your daughter's perspective and responding with understanding.  Not necessarily agreement but understanding.  I mean, seriously, don't you remember how hard it is to be a middle school girl????  Even with the value of perspective that age brings, I can remember the hurts from those years.  And they felt irrecoverable.  Your daughter probably feels some of the same.  Don't tell her that something "doesn't matter" or is "not a big deal" .  To her, it does and it is.  Work hard to relate to that pain and respond with kind understanding.  There's time enough to help her gain perspective.  Empathize.  (Note that I'm not saying "sympathize" - no need to feel sorry for her all the time -- just compassionate.) Strengthening this trait in your relationship is vital for establishing trust and intimacy.  I find this true among friends, not just family.  If someone can't see my perspective (they don't have to agree with me - just validate my view!), then I am unable to feel a close affinity with them.  Just cannot.  And you want your daughter to trust you, to talk things over with you, to tell you her hopes and hurts.  And she will - if she thinks she will get an empathetic ear.  Make sure she does.
The other E - encouragement.  Your daughter needs to know she can draw courage and confidence from you.  Courage to do the right thing when circumstances lure her elsewhere.  Confidence that she's accepted and valued by you regardless of what her world says about her.  I'm not suggesting empty accolades or flattery (I don't believe in the "everybody gets a trophy for being on the team" approach - but that's another post)  but I am saying to tell her over and over and over again that she's valuable.  Praise her for character traits - not performance.  (But when she wins the 100 yard sprint or passes her boards or gets the nomination - it's perfectly OK to praise those too!!!!  Celebrate them like crazy....and point out those character traits that got her there - diligence, integrity, perseverance, positivity, etc)  Express your confidence in her especially when she lacks her own.  This infuses courage into her soul.  And she will need it because the world is sucking it out in a million different ways.

L - Love.  Your first thought might be, whew, finally one that I'm good at!  Of course we love our daughters.  But conveying it might be the challenge.  Hugs, time together (btw - quantity counts...), verbal affirmations, thoughtful "little" things, 100000 ways to constantly say "I love you".  Do them all.  And once you're done, do them all over again 10000 times.  Just as the world sucks courage and confidence out of your daughter, so it also depletes her feeling of being loved.  And we as Moms have the highest calling and privilege to keep those cups filled up.  Think of times as "touch points" in her day - first thing in the morning, when she leaves for school, when she comes home, bedtime - all those times need to be especially punctuated with "I love you" because those are significant windows of opportunity when her little spirit is open (whether she's aware of it or not).  Our family makes it a habit of saying "I love you" at the end of every phone conversation, too.  Maybe it seems trite and one might argue that it's just a habit -- but I will argue that those are the words I want ringing in their ears when other voices are screaming not so loving things at them.  BTW - I've noticed that this is such a habit in our family that my kids' conversations with each other even end this way! That makes me celebrate!!
Let me briefly address that there will be times we don't feel loving. Or times that gal doesn't act too loveable.  Those are the times we must love all the more intentionally.  Thank the Lord that love isn't a feeling - it's a commitment.  And we can choose commitment every time.

P - Prepare  One of the greatest ways we build that bond with our daughters is by our training of them.  Preparing them for life, for work, for womanhood.  Preparing them for changes, for social situations, for whatever role God has called them to.  Oh, the difference it makes in our confidence and our courage when we feel prepared!  Let her know what to expect - from how to behave as a toddler in the grocery store to what's happening with her body at 13 to which fork to use at The White House dinner...prepare her!  When our girls feel prepared for what life is bringing them, they will be able to be way less self-conscious and way more others-focused.  Isn't that what we want for them?  It won't happen by accident - we have to prepare them.

S - Say I'm sorry.  Stuff's gonna happen.  Feelings are gonna get hurt.  Things are gonna get said that shouldn't.  You're gonna let her down.  Mistakes are gonna loom big.  Remember remember remember that to preserve the relationship, you gotta say "I'm sorry".  Restore the bond.  Reconcile the differences.  Return to the nearness.  Even if you think you're right and she's wrong, initiate the reestablishment of equilibrium....say "I'm sorry".  This does about a million things, all of them positive.  It conveys a sense of value to your daughter, affirming to her that this relationship matters.  It ushers in God's grace, which is what is needed for all things good.  And it lets your daughter know that it's OK to fail, that it's possible to get up when we stumble.

When we do our best to do these things, I believe God steps in and takes over.  My family is living proof that He will take our frail and feeble attempts to love and obey Him and bring from them a treasured legacy of love and blessing.  In fact, His Word tells us exactly that - Exodus 20:6 promises that He will design and establish and compound His lovingkindness into a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments. 

Moms and daughters - a gift from God - a bond for perpetuity....needs some H.E.L.P.S from above!

Kids and Money

Money.  If you ask 1000 people what the Bible has to say about money, I'll bet that 998 of them will say "Money is the root of all evil". 

And they'd be wrong.

The Bible talks more about money than it does about Heaven or Hell.  Or marriage and divorce.  Or lots of other things.  And the main thing we need to know that it says is this The love of money is the root of all sorts of evil ( I Timothy 6:10).  And the rest of the verse warns  It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.

So before we figure out what to teach our kids about money, we need to be sure we have the correct info ourselves. Money is neither a sign of our success nor an indication of God's favor -- it is a tool that God wants to use to shape our character.  And the character of our children.  Period.  So use it wisely.

Here are the five things that Paul and I figured we needed to be sure our kids knew about money before they left home (because we wanted to be sure they eventually did leave home......).  And some ideas we use(d) to get the points across.

1.  How to give 
This was the most important lesson we wanted to get across.  To do this, we used allowance.  At about age 3, each child was given three jars (we like pickles at our house so we had an abundance of these to choose from!).  We cut a hole in the top for  money to slide through and we slapped a label on each one - "give", "save", "spend".  There are some fancy things available through Dave Ramsey

http://www.daveramsey.com/specials/junior?ictid=ksbb_jr  

or Crown Financial
http://store.crown.org/category_s/79.htm

but we go the simple route.  Pickle jars.  Being able to put that money in, hear it clink against the glass, and see it pile up over time - priceless.

Every week, Daddy distributed allowances.  Each little set of hands spread out on the floor and they counted the pennies he laid above each chubby finger.  Allowances increased as the years went by but at age three, they got ten pennies each week. And, beginning with that first allowance til they were old enough to have caught it, we thanked God for giving those pennies to be stewarded.  Pennies that went into each of the jars.  We didn't mandate a percentage but something had to go in each jar every time.  And the "give" jar was not a bank to be borrowed from - if the money got taken out of that jar, it was to take to church or missions organization or a charitable cause.  Again, no legalism.  It might be given to the man at the corner with the "will work for food" sign.  Or to purchase gifts for Operation Christmas Child.  But it was given away.  With no thought of (earthly) return.

Other ways we taught the lesson of giving - sibling gifts, baking cookies for neighbors, and anonymous gifts.  We've dropped goodies off at the police station and sent gift cards with no "sender" name to friends and paid for strangers' meals at restaurants, just for the blessing of giving. 

Learning to give develops the character traits we long to see in our children....and ourselves:  unselfishness, contentment, generosity, and gratitude to name a few.

2.  How to save

Pickle jar #2 - savings. Something from every allowance and later, from every dime earned, goes into savings.  And because we were aiming at teaching delayed gratification, we made this jar long term savings.   As in starting at age three, saving for a car at 16/17.  Yep.  Those little pennies were the beginning of "the car account".  Untouchable until time for a car.  Not only will this teach delayed gratification but it also encourages self-discipline, contentment, planfulness, and wisdom.  (Side note- why do my husband and I stress delayed gratification so much?  Because this character trait - or lack of it - plays a critical role in all areas of life ---- purity, faithfulness, diligence, integrity, marriage, work, service.  Pretty much everything.  Just think about it). 
When it came time to purchase the wheels, we matched what they had saved.  (In case you're worried about our management, we did transfer the jar contents to a bank and/or money market at a later age!) All those years of adding to that pickle jar paid off in a big way.

At about age 13-14, we had them sit down with a financial advisor ( a very kind friend who manages our investments and is generous enough to give our kids his time - trust me, he's not making a lot from our fund!!) This is where they learn about the stock market and bonds and compounding.  And they figure out quickly that it pays to start saving early. 

So the pickle jar was just for the car.  But sometimes there are needs for "short term savings" such as for a new bike or Christmas gifts for the family or an iTouch.  Over time, each of our children learned on their own to set up a "separate account", aka another pickle jar, for things they anticipated needing money for.  Talk about a great life lesson!  They're preparing themselves for establishing college funds for their own kids!!!!

3.  How to spend

Here's the fun part - retail therapy! Pickle jar #3!  Seriously, children need to be taught how to spend money.  Wisely.  Not just because it's in their pocket.  We teach largely by example how to be frugal and wise with the money God entrusts to us -- planning ahead, checking prices, no impulse purchases, garage sales, consignment stores, etc.  Why pay top dollar if you don't have to???  And the best way for them to learn this lesson is to have to spend their own money.  We're usually not as careful with someone else's cash as we are our own. 

We also feel it's a good idea if they don't have everything they want or even think they "need".  Learning how to spend wisely teaches delayed gratification (again), stewardship,resourcefulness, contentment, and self-discipline.   Good stuff. 

4.  How to budget

Same lessons taught as above and add patience. I cannot overstate the importance of kids learning how to budget.  From as simple as setting aside money to pay for Christmas gifts to realizing that they don't get to take home all that money listed at the top of that paycheck, budgeting is critical.  It's the overall plan of how/what to give, save, and spend.  And it needs to be specifically taught.

When my absolutely fabulous son-in-law came to ask Paul's permission to change Katie's name, my ever so practical and also fabulous husband made him present a financial plan before he would say "yes".  I whined that this was not very romantic but my wise husband insisted it was the most loving thing in the world for him to be sure they knew how they were going to live.  And he was right (again!!)  It turned out to be a very helpful exercise for both of them to learn about insurance and car payments and school loans.  Not that we trace all their subsequent success back to this plan but they surely are managing their adulthood very well!!!

Mary's about to leave the ivy towers of academics and enter the working world.  Paul has already made sure she understands about tax brackets and rent payments and social security.  She has had a good foundation of budgeting her money during college and this is the next step.

5.  How to work

When our kids were pretty little, Paul told me it was fine for me to focus on academics and social skills but he wanted to be sure our tax deductions knew how to work.  So we started early.  My number one suggestion for teaching work is spelled C-H-O-R-E-S.  You got it, household help. By age two your kiddos can unload silverware from the dishwasher and put it away.  (Bonus - helps with sorting skills).  Preschoolers can put toys and clothes away, wipe baseboards (for homes where that is done - I wouldn't know), dust, water plants, and chop veggies (yes, they can).  By elementary age, they can do laundry, make beds, vacuum, mop, mow lawns, weed, clean bathrooms and pretty much everything you need done.  Slave labor.  It's great.  Learning how to work teaches proper self-esteem, confidence, sense of belonging, obedience to authority, and satisfaction of a job well done.  THIS is what helps kids feel good about themselves - not hearing hollow accolades of flattery nor by receiving a "trophy" of participation.  But that's another post.

Our kids were motivated to work not because they were born loving it but because they needed/wanted the money.  We didn't raise allowances that much!  They have taught swimming lessons, started a lawn care business, baked cookies/cakes for the neighborhood, worked at the pool, taken care of pets, babysat and one even deals drugs but that's another story :)  And of course, they started it all with the quintessential lemonade stand!!  Capitalism at its best.


Money.  We want our kids to learn about how to make it, manage it, and give it away.  We want to use money to shape them so that their character will be "free from the love of money and content with what (they) have because God has said, 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you' ".  Hebrews 13:5.  Regardless of how much they have or don't have, if they catch that lesson, they'll be the most successful people in the world.

 

Parenting - Never Say Never

OK, I'm gonna do it.  I said I would never do it.  But I am.

Blog a series on parenting.

Gulp.

First, why did I say I would never do it?  Lots of reasons but the main ones are

 1)I don't think I have anything to say that hasn't already been said. Plenty of good material out there - why should I of all people add to the noise?
 2) I don't want my kids to feel pressured to some artificial standard of performance.  They are really great kids but they are as human as the rest of us and they are gonna make some mistakes.  Why should they be subject to public scrutiny just b/c their Mom has a big mouth?  and
 3) I'm not done.  Who knows if what I have to say is "effective"?
  

But I am allowing myself the perennial female perogative of changing my mind. Here are the reasons - 

1) I've shared my opinions in conferences , counseling and casual conversations and have been well received. Although I've heard this stuff before, apparently I predate enough of you for some of it to seem new. 

2) My kids have encouraged me to share whatever I know.... Perhaps because they secretly know its not much at all and hopefully because they know I will strive never to embarrass them but rather to tell alot of dirt on myself. Which will make for alot of laughs for us all

And 3) I've realized I'll never be done. Parenting is forever. The stage just changes

So here it comes. My series on parenting.  I have no idea how many posts I'll have nor what all subjects we'll cover. If you have an idea of something you'd like to dialogue about, please let me know.

Here's some of the suggestions some of you have asked that we touch on -

building sibling relationships
discipline
kids and money
tattling
creating a family kids want to be a part of
ideas on chores
picky eaters
developing healthy eaters (yes, I will be honest about where I fail!!!)
education
how to disciple children
passing along your faith
parenting adult children


What else are you interested in?
 

Parenting Posts Coming

Paul and I had the privilege to speak at a parenting conference this past weekend.  "Modern Family".  Together we talked about "kids and money" and then I did a session on Moms and Daughters.  (This one was a hoot!  I drafted my Mom, my daughter Katie, - and my granddaughter Mary Alice!! to come with me and they brought down the house!)  Over the next few days, I'll share these same ideas with y'all.

Be on the lookout for "5 Things Kids Need to Know about Money"  and "Moms and Daughters - Building a Bond for Generations"

In coming posts.....

Thank you for your feedback!  Some of the topics you mentioned will show up over the next several weeks.  Suggestions included parenting, homeschooling, being a good in law, discipline tips, more recipes, frugality, and organization.  I will share my own ideas and experiences as well as  some  websites to recommend.

To start us off, I want to pass along a site for homeschooling families that has been so helpful to me.  Fast Transcipts has been an excellent resource for grades and transcript preparation.  It is extremely reasonable and has provided invaluable support for me.  Here's the link :

  http://www.fasttranscripts.com/

This company also provides a service for maintaining and reporting attendance reports. Homeschool Compliance.  It has saved me much time and avoided much worry!  Please check it out -

https://www.homeschoolcompliance.com

And, when you do, tell Scott I sent you :)

Thanks!!