Discipline - Part 4


I have had more trouble with this post than anything I've ever written!  I spent forever on it and then apparently hit something wrong and it disappeared without my knowing it.  Then I rewrote it and somehow it published before I was through.  I have no idea why it was so hard to write but here it is and I hope it is helpful. :)  Blessings!!




Correction.  A vital component in the discipline part of the parenting machine.  It's so very vital and so very important to get it right.  As right as we possibly can.  Correction is the tool to modify behavior.  It's how we remove hindrances to the goal.  By correction, we strive to eliminate harmful acts and attitudes, as well as put in place the desirable ones.  Correction is not punishment.

The foundation of correction is a heart check of the parent.  Scripture makes it very clear that we are to assess ourselves before correcting someone else.  Matthew 7:3   Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  and Galatians 6:1 if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

First, remember instruction has to be clear. Correction consists of words and actions. Issue a warning/reminder to the child, at least initially.  If this is a continually repetitive offense, there have probably been too many words and not enough action.

Then, check your heart.  Isn't it incredible how these little objects of our genuine love and undying devotion can make us so upset??? So I find it not only beneficial but completely necessary to take and moment and check my own heart.  Do not administer corrective words or actions if you are angry.  Great harm can be done.  (If you've messed up in this area - and Lord knows I have - then you need to ask your child to forgive you.  Get your heart right before attempting to train another's)

Next, get the child's attention.  Not by screaming (unless they are about to step in front of a bulldozer.  Then it is fine to scream and grab them by the hair to move them out of harm's way) Turn their little face to look at you and tell them to look you in the eyes.  Remind them of the command and state that it has been violated (ok, use age appropriate words!). Don't ask why they did it just ask for agreement that they disobeyed.  This step is important because you are training them to accept personal responsibility for their actions.  We need to help them avoid excuses or "victim mentality". 

Then, you remind them that God tells us to obey and that there are consequences if we don't.  Explain that because you love them so much, you are going to help them learn to obey God.  Because that is the way of joy and blessing and you want that for them!

Consequences - methods of correction -
Consider these factors - age of child, the offense, and repetitions of offense - and always administer correction in private.  I will repeat that 10000 times.  Praise publicly but correct privately.
1.  Verbal rebuke - sometimes a firm "NO" is all that's needed.  (If you have a child that will always respond to this without further action, get on your knees right now and thank God profusely). 
2.  Time out - Removing a child from the situation is often an effective solution.  Set a timer so the child knows this is not permanent and then put him/her in a room where there is nothing to entertain them.  At all. When the timer goes off, they are not allowed to hop out of the chair.  They must be released by the parent. My husband and I had the policy of whoever put them in, got them out.  No "good cop, bad cop" routine. At this point, take the time to discuss the offense, remind them of the command they are to obey, lead them in asking God and you for forgiveness (and anyone else that they sinned against), hug them and it's over. 
3.  Withdrawal of privilege - this is especially effective with older children.  Whenever possible/reasonable, tie the loss of privilege to the offense.  For example, if the child gets a speeding ticket, no driving for a week or whatever.  (Yes, this inconveniences the parent.  That's part of the correction -- learning that our sin affects other people)
4.  Work - My kids have so much work to do for me already that I rarely used this but it can be a great option.  Pulling weeds, scrubbing baseboards, washing windows, etc.  Try not to imagine violations just so you can get your kids to do this work........ :)
5. Spanking  - I know this can be controversial so I want to say strongly and clearly that I am vehemently against child abuse.  Slapping and hitting a child (or anyone, for that matter) are not options for parenting.  A parent out of control that vents frustration and anger on a child will do great damage.  For sure.
That, however, is not what the Bible exhorts.  Calm, firm, controlled correction in the form of a spanking is what Proverbs 13:24, 23:13 and 29:15 describe:
He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.


Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.

The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother

Here's some guidelines for spanking we used in our home -
- "spank spoon" instead of our hands.  Hands are for nurturing and cuddling, not for correction.  We found a rubber spatula worked better than a wooden spoon.  I was "reared" with a paddle but I don't know where to find those anymore!
- privacy.  Did I already mention that? :)  Administer spankings in private.  Do not involve anyone but parent and child.  Privacy  We sent the child to our room to wait for us.  This gave us a chance to check our hearts as well as to let the child think about the situation.  Of course this doesn't work with really little ones!  They might escape!!!
- go through the steps mentioned previously (state offense, have child admit responsibility, explain that disobedience brings consequences so that correct behavior will replace disobedience) and tell them you are grieved that they have disobeyed because now you must correct them
-explain what you are about to do, including a limit on the swats.  If child cooperates, that is all he/she receives.  If, however, child kicks, screams, resists, explain that there will be additional swats.
If the child is out of control, hold him/her firmly and remain calm.  If you start to lose it, separate from the situation until you can regain control of yourself.
- have your child lay across your lap
- then spank.  Chip Ingram explains the procedure well in this article from Focus on the Family.  I haven't read the book it is taken from but this is a great article.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_biblical_discipline/effective-child-discipline/biblical-approach-to-spanking.aspx

- when child is sobbing gently (not screaming wildly - that would mean the correction did not affect his/her heart and you have more work to do), hold them close and love them.  Lead them in asking God's forgiveness and yours.  Assure them of your love and that you have confidence they will do it right the next time
- I learned this step from my husband.  I think it's profound.  After a spanking (or any other correction) he issued a "command" to the child.  Something as trite as "please hand me that piece of paper" but it was a chance for the child to walk in obedience.  An opportunity for them to demonstrate repentance and a heart of compliance.  Doing this reset the equilibrium of the relationship.  Wise man, that husband of mine!

You may be thinking, wow, this takes a lot of time.  You are right.  Effective discipline is hard work.  For the child and the parent.  It's time consuming and difficult and downright painful for all involved. If you will be diligent early on, it is much easier later.  Much less need for correction and  Hebrews 12:11 promises
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.









Discipline - Part 3

Discipline - The effective equipping of a child by a parent for successful living.


I suppose someone other than a parent can discipline a child but God makes it clear that parents are the ones responsible for it. 


Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Hebrews 12:7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?
Proverbs 19:18  Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death
Deuteronomy 8:5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.
Proverbs 3:12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.
Proverbs 29:15 A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.

Lots of things to notice in these verses -
Parents discipline children because they love them.  If we fail to discipline, it's as though we contribute to their death.  (See Proverbs 19:18 again)  Conversely, a parent that's willing to discipline imparts wisdom to the child.  And wisdom is the key to a successful life.  REAL success.


I shared in the earlier post that discipline has four components -
Instruction
Training
Correction
Result


All four components involve "goal".  Which leads to the question - "what is the goal?"


The foundational goal of discipline is to teach the child to obey until they can learn to discipline themselves.  And what is obedience?



Obedience is
Doing what you're told to do
When you're told to do it
With the right heart-attitude


If any of those aspects are awry, it's not obedience.  Doing part of what you're told to do is not obedience.  Delayed obedience is not obedience.  And doing what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to do it but screaming all the while is not obedience.


Children need to be instructed that obedience is comprised of all these parts.  They must be trained how to include all three.  Set that as your standard of obedience. And set it early.


In our home, the standard is God's Word.  That's what we strive to obey and to have our children obey.  All directives flow from that.  When God's Word is your authority, the child sees that you both are to submit to it.  This prevents a dictatorial approach to parenting.


There are an awful lot of instructions in God's Word so it helps me to simplify things down to what Jesus said  in Matthew 22:37-40 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments


Love God. Love others.  That's what our lives are to look like.  That's the goal for our kids as well.


Instruction - explain what obedience is.  And, yes, they can comprehend this when they are little.  Oh yes they can!  Their little hearts know the difference between putting the toy back in the toy box and throwing it across the room.  They know the difference between waiting a few minutes before responding.  (Note - DO NOT COUNT.  When you tell your child to do something, do not count to 5 or whatever before expecting compliance.  I know AWANA does this but that's helping a large group transition from loud to soft.  Don't do this with your child.  If you do, you are training him/her to wait until #5 to obey.  The goal is immediate obedience.  The reasons should be clear - their life can literally depend on it some day) And their hearts know the difference between lying still for a diaper change and kicking Mommy  in the face.  They know.
 
Training - explain (more than once) how to do what you are requiring.  Instruction makes it clear what the standard is and training shows how to reach it.  For instance, we required very early that our children speak to people.  To look them in the eyes and speak.  To answer when spoken to, without mumbling.  We set the standard (which did not include "shyness" as a reason not to speak to people)  and then we demonstrated how to do it. Literally, we practiced answering questions (including answering the phone!) and greeting people.  We reminded  the children of the standard before encountering an opportunity to demonstrate obedience and then we expected them to comply.  If they didn't, we refused to excuse them by claiming they were shy (because not speaking to people is rude, not shy).  Instead we might say something to the other person like "we're still working on this" and then lift their precious little face to look at the person.  We didn't belabor the point and make everyone uncomfortable but you can be sure we revisited that moment when we were alone with that child.  After a few training sessions and real life opportunities to put it into practice, we didn't keep training.  It was time for correction.


Correction - Correction should be gentle but decisive.  I will do a whole post on this component of discipline so I won't go into a lot of detail here.  Just to remind us that correction is different than punishment because the purpose is clearly to remove things that hindering the reaching of the goal of obedience.  To reform the wrong actions into the right ones.  If we do a great job of instructing and training, the need for correction is reduced.  But it will not be eliminated.  Kids have the same bent as their parents - to do things their own way!  Our job is to straighten out this bent so that our child will respond in obedience.  Correction of any behavior that falls short of obedience is essential.
Results - The result of discipline is wisdom.  Whether or not the child has responded to your discipline will be evident in his/her life.  (Note:  the response of the child is up to him/her, not the parent.  This is very important!  We parents are so prone to guilt if we perceive the child has not "turned out right" but their response is not up to us.  We are only accountable for parenting, not responding)
If, by God's grace, the child matures into a disciplined adult, the result is oh so very sweet.  Not just for the child, who gains wisdom, but also for the parent.  Oh how sweet it is! 

Last night (I promise I am not making any of this up!!!) I received a phone call from one of my adult children.  In that 10 minute conversation, she thanked me profusely and specifically for the training she received growing up.  She was grateful for being trained to speak to people and honor them, to serve others even at someone else's house, and to be cheerful and friendly even when feelings of insecurity and intimidation threaten to eclipse good manners. She thanked me for spanking her when she didn't do these things!!!!!!!!!!  I am serious!!!  This kid is about to graduate from college with numerous honors to her name, a great job to head to, and the accolades of scores of folks she's shown God's love to through the years.  And she credits her success to her training.


I credit it to God's grace and her response.  And I am on my knees in praise.












Wednesday's Word - guest link

Today I want to introduce you to a cyber friend of mine - Jill Hill.  She is a beauty all the way through!!!  Jill has a great blog called SHINE Girls and you need to check it out. I can relate to her posts - she reaches my heart! - and I think you will find the same is true for you.


Wednesday's Word - Help me to believe - by Jill Hill








http://www.shinegirlsshine.com/2014/04/help-me-to-believe.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FoQLzc+%28SHINE+Girls%29

Discipline - Part 2

Discipline.  The effective equipping of a child by a parent for successful living.


It takes a lot of time.  It takes a lot of energy.  It's hard. 

But it is definitely worth it!


Just as an athlete enjoys a sweet feeling of accomplishment upon crossing that finish line, so does a child...and a parent....relish the rewards of discipline, of effective equipping. Parenting isn't a sprint - it's a marathon.  Actually, it's a series of marathons, one right after the other! Hebrews 12:11 warns us that it will be hard - For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  So don't be surprised when you feel like quitting.  Don't give up because it seems like it's not working.  Hang in there.  The results are worth it!


Think about discipline having these 4 components - each one is contingent upon the other: 


Instruction (impart knowledge/explain goal)
Training (how to reach goal)
Correction (remove hindrances to goal)
Result (reach goal)


1.  Instruction 
Not only is this aspect of discipline crucial, it must be first.  Whether it's how to hit a tennis ball or a command not to run in the street, instruction must be preeminent.  Of course it must be age appropriate and I am not suggesting that parents owe an explanation for every edict, but instruction must be given.  It must be clear and it must be communicated.  What are the expectations, what are the "rules", what are the goals. Repetition, reminders, refresher courses...instruction. As in "Betsy, we're about to have lunch with Daddy's work friends.  Let's remind ourselves of the things we need to do....."  First step of discipline - instruction


2.  Training
Instruction is the "what" and training is the "how". Here's how to reach the goal set out in instruction. Here's how one answers the phone.  Here's how one behaves in the grocery store.  Here's how to treat a sibling and an authority and a friend.  Here's how to obey.  Clear instruction flows into intentional training. Explain.  Show.  Go through it with the child.  Just like it helps to hold the baseball bat on top of their little hands and swing it with them to connect to the ball, so we train. I am grinning thinking of the many training sessions on so many subjects at our house - from how to answer the phone to the steps of obedience.    Second step of discipline - training.


3. Correction 
Correction isn't punishment.  It's adjusting the course, removing hindrances to the goal, fine-tuning performance.  While it may involve pain, what distinguishes correction from punishment is the purpose. Correction of whatever is preventing success. When an athlete has a habit or a form that impedes accuracy or victory, it needs to be corrected.  Same for kids.  If you observe behavior that needs modifying, first ask yourself if the steps of instruction and training have been sufficient.  If not, then regroup and provide those.  Then correct the error.  In a later post, I will discuss methods of correction.  But for now, know that the purpose of correction is to remove anything that impedes the reaching of the goal.


4.  Result
The fruit of labor.  The reward.  The result of receiving instruction, of being trained, of making the necessary corrections.  Or not!  Either the goal of desired behavior is reached or the errors along the way prevent it.


As a parent, know that discipline is time-consuming.  It can be wearisome.  There will be temptation to take the easy route.  But if you will be consistent (not perfect) and patient, the result will be sweet.  The peaceful fruit of righteousness.  Oh, how it's worth it!


Discipline.  Either we pay the price now and enjoy the reward later.  Or we consider the cost too great now and pay for it later.  The cost goes up exponentially over time.  In fact, I'm not sure we ever recover what was lost by not disciplining early and effectively.


This verse often encourages me when I am tempted to give in or give up - Hebrews 10:36 -
 For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised
 
Just gotta smile.  God's extravagant efficiency -- while I'm training my kids, He's training me!!

Discipline - Introduction

This topic probably generates more interest and creates more division than any other parenting issue.  How to discipline.  What to discipline.  When.  Where.  Why. I would love to present an authoritative post that would settle all angst and answer all questions.  I'd really love to read one like that!  Actually, though, I resist such an approach on most subjects and especially this one.  I really think that parents largely have to figure stuff out for themselves.  And I think that can be a healthy process.  If somebody insists that their way of discipline or educating or any other aspect of parenting is "THE WAY", I don't even bother to listen.  Nobody has a monopoly on figuring this thing out.  I won't even apologize for not being an authority - I'm just a sharer.  I like to share ideas and approaches and let you decide how to adapt them for your parenting process.   Let's take a step back and get a broad view....






First, what is discipline? 


All too frequently, discipline is boiled down to "how do I punish my child for wrongdoing".  That is way too narrow a definition.  Think about how we use the word - "He is such a disciplined athlete", "If I were more self-disciplined, I would not be late so frequently" ,"Sociology is a fairly new discipline", etc. 


Here's how GoogleSearch defines "discipline"


noun
noun: discipline
  1. 1.
    the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

    • the controlled behavior resulting from discipline.








    • activity or experience that provides mental or physical training.

    • a system of rules of conduct.

  2. 2.
    a branch of knowledge, typically one studied in higher education.


    synonyms:field (of study), branch of knowledge, 
 
verb
  1. 1.
    train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience




2. train oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way.






When we consider the definition of the word, we realize that "punishment" or even "correction" is an extremely insufficient application.  And since parents are instructed to "discipline" their children, we must surely understand the task.  Here are just two of about a gazillion things God says about parents and discipline.....



 Proverbs 3:11-12: My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Proverbs 19:18   Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death

Over several posts, I will share some thoughts, ideas, and resources about discipline.  To close this one, I will leave you with a definition of discipline as it relates to parenting:


The effective equipping of a child by a parent for successful living.
 
 


There you have it.  Discipline, ChamFam style!
 
 
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