Parent pain - postscript

Just wanted to add a little to the guest post on parent pain.  My friend is too modest to tell you about all the things that she's done right  - perhaps pain blinds us all to that.  So I felt the need to follow up with some things I've observed from her life and from others going through things like this.  I know there are differing views on how to handle "wayward" kids so feel free to disagree with me.  I am certainly not an expert - just an observer. And a friend to those in such crises.  What I have to share is simply some conclusions I've drawn from these experiences.  Not an iron clad promise of results.









1.  Principles, not preferences
What I mean by this point is that we need to be sure that what we are so grieved about is truly worth being grieved about.  Is it a matter of principle, of conviction, of absolute right and wrong?  Or is it really a matter of personal preferences?  For instance, if my teenager decided to indulge in premarital sex or alcohol, this would definitely be a matter of principle.  This is clearly wrong and I would respond decisively.  (Note I did not say "react dramatically" but rather "respond decisively".  Big difference)  A lot of other things really might be a matter of personal preference instead.  Even if they feel like matters of principle.  Things like hairstyles or clothing choices or dating decisions mostly fall into the "personal preference" category. Things that we can afford to overlook or bend on.  For real.


If we as parents are wringing our hands or issuing edicts or altering our parental relationship, let's be really really really sure that the matter in question is one of principle.  Not personal preference.  I believe very strongly in standing by convictions.  Truly I do.  Not compromising on things that we stake our life on.  Not at all. And I think we can be justified to define our convictions, share our principles (and the reasons behind them). It's just that I am inclined to think that we oughta have relatively few things in that category....and even when a kid is trampling our principles, we can still respond with love.












2.  Perspective
This is such a powerful concept.  Oh my goodness, it's potent.  Perspective means that we can see somebody else's point.  (Note:  seeing does not have to mean agreeing -- just means that we can see it!!  The ability to do this is like an indelible stamp of validity.  Not having it, well, relationships without it are trite, weak, and ineffectual.)  Having perspective means we value the other person enough to try and understand (again - note that I didn't say "agree") what and why they feel as they do. This might be called empathy.  And it's a game changer.  Trust me.








Perspective also means that we possess enough wisdom and maturity to take a long view.
 Maybe, just maybe, some of the things that we parents get hyped up about really won't matter in the long run.  What a kid does at 15 does not necessarily have to define them.  (Unless, of course, the parents blow the whole thing up and ruin the relationship and the kid never is allowed to move past it.  Then it surely would define them) Parental memory can be a tricky thing -- seems like we either conveniently forget all the mistakes of our past or we so fearfully focus on trying to be sure our kid avoids every single pit we fell into that we lack perspective.  Guess what - no matter how perfectly we try to parent, our kids are gonna make some mistakes.  Perspective helps us - and them - be OK with that.  In fact, some of the most powerful bonding possible can take place as we help our child learn how to get up after a fall.






And perspective means that our response to things we consider crises is not over the top dramatic.  (For me, it means I just need to take a chill pill.) Some of the greatest possible damage can be done when we react in earth shattering ways.  Before you encounter one of those heart-wrenching parenting moments, purpose right now that you will take plenty of time to consider your response before you act.  And spend time and energy right now to fill your heart up with love and wisdom and gentleness and grace and mercy so that, when you get squeezed, that's what will come out.




Oh, and in case you're getting this info after you've erupted and damage has been done, there are things that can be done to repair the devastation.  Admission of wrong (yours), asking for forgiveness(theirs), and correcting the course.












3.  Preserve the relationship
Above all else, preserve the relationship.  Yes, I know about tough love and church discipline and I am all for it.  But I believe with all my heart that the times to employ those are rare.  And I believe that the best thing a rebellious kid can have is the assurance of a parent that loves them no matter what.  Not agrees with their choices but loves them in spite of them.  I don't think it means you let them do drugs or sleep with their boyfriend in your home (back to "principles" - #1).  But neither do I think it means you ignore their birthday or forbid your other kids from contact with them or exclude them from family times.  For crying out loud, what you want is a chance to influence them for good and it's helpful to have time with them to do that!! Christ is our example.  He never overlooked or excused sin but He sure made it a point to hang out with the sinners.  And I am so thankful for that!


If your kid is currently turning his or her back on all you hold dear, I know you still love them....but they might not know that.  Be sure they do.  Use words and actions and whatever else at your disposal to tell them you love them.  Kindness goes a long way to healing hurts.  And the hope is that one day he/she will come to his/her senses and you'll be in a position to positively impact them.  If you don't preserve the relationship now, that day's likely never gonna come.






And, it's just my opinion, but I don't think that prodigal son would've come home ever unless he knew he'd be allowed to stay.














4.  Prevail
Don't quit doing all the things you know that are right and good.  From enjoying your other children and your friends to exercise to hobbies to just plain living life - keep on keeping on.  Don't let a parenting crisis derail your life.  One dear friend of mine shared with me that parenting through these storms really wears you out.  One of the thing that has kept her going is that she and her husband are "on the same page".  What good advice.  What really good advice.  So many times I've seen a crisis with a child wreak havoc on a marriage or the other children.  Do whatever you can to guard against that. Go see a good counselor.  Talk things out with a close friend. In private. (I personally don't suggest making your kid's issues a matter of public knowledge for everybody and their sister to gossip about but that's just my opinion). But don't retreat into a shell and forfeit all the good around you.






Never never never give up on your kid but don't let this crisis define your existence.  The rest of your world needs you.














5.  Pray 
This one's a no-brainer, right?  Sure.  Except that it's not.  We can often fall into the trap of doing everything we can think of except that.  We should all tattoo this truth onto our hearts - we are powerless to change people.  Only God can do that.  Talk to Him about it.  Often. He's on your side.  And your child's side.  You don't have to beg Him to act - He wants what's best for your child even more than you do!  Just pour out your heart to Him.  Cry out to Him.  Lean on Him.  Continuously. 


  And, what we often find, is that prayer changes us as much as (if not more than) it changes the situation.  Or the other person.










If you're in a parenting crisis of any kind,  my heart breaks for you.  If you want to confidentially tell somebody about it, I'm here.  I'll listen.  And pray with you and cry with you and hurt with you.
And, I'll believe for you until you can believe for yourself.




 



To the Unsung Heroes

Seems like everywhere I turn lately I've noticed some of "the unsung heroes". Folks that serve us all without fanfare or even notice.  Folks that we might even take for granted.  Unless they quit.  Folks that I've never heard complain but I wonder if they ever feel unappreciated. 


Here's some of the folks that caught my attention.....


  One day it was some church nursery workers that have been cheerfully singing lullabies to generations of babies.  I'm sure some Mommies thank them when they retrieve their little cherubs but mostly this is an inconspicuous labor of love. 


One day it was the guys that collect my garbage early every Tuesday morning.  Occasionally I'm out at the end of my driveway when they come, sometimes with a treat but often not.  And I've never overheard any complaining about their role - usually some friendly laughter and always a polite greeting.  I hope lots of people tell them "thank you".


Another day it was an Army wife with a toddler.  Her husband has been deployed most of the baby's life (for the third time since they've been married, I think she said) and their families are on the other side of the country.  She was not inclined in the least to feel sorry for herself but she did say she was hoping the Moms in the preschool music class would turn out to be a good source of friends.  When I thanked her for her sacrifice, she was genuinely surprised.  Strong woman.  I think I'd cry a lot if I were in her shoes.


I get to watch up close some longtime heroes.  Some folks in their twilight times where it's easy to question one's  "worth" and "contribution" and wonder how much they still matter.  I think it'd be awfully hard to keep a great attitude when you feel worn out.


One really talented gal I know is sometimes tempted to feel washed up or overlooked or insignificant.  She's experienced remarks that imply she's "past her prime" and that it's time for someone else to take that ministry role.  Good thing those views have not been expressed in my presence - I have some awfully strong opinions about that.  So far I've not read anything in Scripture that indicates God tells us to retire from serving Him at some certain age.....


There's a whole group of women I know that have to be some of the greatest of all unsung heroes - single Moms.  I cannot fathom how they manage.  I'm so glad my church intentionally celebrates them on Mother's Day.  Most 6 year olds can't pull off flowers and candy on their own.  And for the record, the single Moms I know do it with a smile and a brave spirit.  I am so proud to know them.  I just want them to know.


And then there's all the zillions of regular ole' ordinary folks that don't stand out.  That don't get applauded or even noticed cause they're just living their lives, just serving and loving and doing things that don't bring any attention from the world.  College students trying to live right and to grow up into responsible adults.  Moms and Dads that so want to do everything just right and still make a living and pay taxes and enjoy dinner & a movie once in a while.  Single adults that sometimes feel like they don't have a place but deeply longing to.  Church staff that don't get the "perks" of attention but just the occasional headache of serving smelly sheep.  Pastors' families that have to share their dad with all of us and also have to endure too many "perks" of attention. 


These folks are dear to me.  And even more so, to God.  The world may rarely, if ever, take note of what they do.  Of their service and their faithfulness and their courage.  But He does.  And He has a significant word for them:


 For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do  (Hebrews 6:10)


And He not only notices, He applauds.  To all the unsung heroes out there, listen.... I'm singing your praises to Him.











Guest post - parent pain

I am a parent with a grown child that is breaking my heart.  I asked Suzanne if I could write something about that for her blog.  We have been good friends for a long time so she said that would be fine.  I think she is going to get other friends to write about some things they have gone through, too.  I don't live near her anymore but I enjoy her blog and her encouragement.

I am not a good writer but I hope that I can say some things that might help somebody else.  That is what I pray.

I have several grown children and they are all blessings to me.  All of them but one have good relationships with God.  I love them all, even the one that does not have a good relationship with Him.  She has been in rebellion for a few years and that is why I am writing.  If you want one of those happy ever after endings, don't read this because that is not what I have to share.  Suzanne knows that and she still wants me to share my story because it is the truth.  And she says because God is still faithful, the story isn't over yet.

Many times I have heard Suzanne say that there is no pain like parent-pain and I would agree 1000% with that.  When my children were young, it hurt for them to be left out or not make the team or something like that.  That hurts but it is nothing like the pain you feel when they turn their back on what you have taught them and tried to live out for them.  That is what happened in our family.

We tried to do all the things that are supposed to make children turn out right.  I will be honest and tell you that, before this happened to us, I used to hear parents say that and in my heart I doubted it.  I really thought that if you did all the right things, then children would turn out good.  So, if their children didn't turn out right, I thought they must have failed in some way as parents.  Maybe that really is the truth but I hope and pray with all my heart that it is not true.  Suzanne says that we all have the perfect parent (God) and we still rebel so the actions of our children are not our fault.  There is a verse in Ezekiel that she bases that on.  Maybe she shared it already.  Anyway, I know we are still supposed to try to be good parents and do the things that will help our children and that's what my husband and I did.  We were (are) very active in church.  In fact, we are in ministry.  When our children were at home, we had devotions with them, prayed with them and for them, memorized Bible verses together. We really do love God and it is our heart's desire to obey Him and honor Him.  We love Him and His people and His Word.  My husband spent a very great amount of time with every one of our children while they were growing up and he was always kind and loving and teaching them. We had fun times and  have some great memories.  I do not know of any major problems in our home.  I have tried to be a good Mother but sometimes I failed.  I would lose my temper and not be patient with them sometimes.  But I always apologized and tried to make it right.  Maybe I am the cause of our child's rebellion but I don't know.  We really did do the best we could - we even homeschooled them for a time- and all of our other children are strong Christians.  Just this one has broken our hearts.  As we think back on their childhood, we think we probably spent more time and energy on this one because she seemed to need it more.  That is very interesting.

When the rebellion first started, I was very afraid.  My husband was very calm and optimistic that it would not last long and would not get any worse.  Sometimes we would see things that gave us hope but once she moved out, things got really bad.  In those weeks, I cried a lot.  And of course I prayed.  Sometimes the sorrow would just overtake me in the midst of other things.  It was strange, though, that even in the deep sorrow, I would have joy.  That doesn't even make sense I know.  But it is the truth.  It was like God was reminding me that all the world can fall away but I still have Him and that is enough.  So I was very sad and my husband was "numb".  That was the word he used.  It caused some tension between us, I will be honest.  I wanted him to take some kind of drastic action and he felt I was being dramatic.  We both felt very helpless.  We had to just sit back and watch her be destructive.  Of course we prayed but we didn't share what was happening with other people.  Our other children knew of course - at least some of the information.  But we didn't feel that we should confess HER sins to other people.  I don't know if that is right or not but I am just telling you what we did.  Maybe it's because we were so ashamed.  Gradually a few people found out some of the things that were happening.  Some of them seemed condemning and self-righteous to me but maybe I was just overly sensitive.  Probably that's how I seemed to other people when it happened to them.

One of the things you might be wondering is did we see this coming.  Yes and no.  I can be sort of a worrier so when I saw certain things in my children, I would take it to the extreme and worry that this is the beginning of something really bad.  My husband does not worry and always sees the good.  When she was in high school, there were problems with her wanting to dress a certain way or watch certain movies or date certain boys. We didn't want to be over-strict so we let her make some decisions that we didn't agree with.  I worried a lot about that but we decided it was not a big deal.  I don't know if that was where things all started or not. I didn't know what to do. One thing that bothers me so very much is that once (when we didn't know how bad things really were) I felt led to fast for her.  And I didn't do it.  Then we received some news that was very encouraging.  We were so happy!  I really forgot about the fast then.  Soon after that, we found out that the news we had received was a bunch of lies and that things were much worse than we had ever imagined.  Of course I wonder if things would have been different if I had fasted.

I will tell you that it is so very very hard not to blame yourself.  Or your spouse.  I don't really have any advice for you except to tell you some things that helped us.  I needed to talk about it but my husband wanted to pretend it wasn't true.  This was his daughter and he wanted to have her still be his little princess.  It tore my heart out to see him hurt like it did.  That made me mad at her.  I know that sounds so awful but I want to be honest with you.  By God's grace, I never have expressed anger towards her for all of this.  That is a miracle, I promise you!  So I had to work with the Lord to get rid of my anger and to truly forgive her.  We have told her that we forgive her and that we love her.  She says she knows that.  Anyway, my husband knew I needed to talk about it, especially when things first got so bad, and he let me.  I know he would rather have not but he did that for me and it helped me cope.

Another thing - we have tried to be conscious of the needs of our other children.  When one demands so much of your time, etc, it can be easy to overlook the others.  And they are the ones that really deserve our energy!  So we have been careful to focus on them, not just on the rebel.

Also, we try to not neglect our own relationship with the Lord or with each other.  It's sad that those can take a back seat when you experience something like this but those are the very things that need to be strengthened.  That is what keeps you going.

We are still waiting for her to come to repentance.  We worry about her and we worry about the effect this could have on the rest of our family.  We pray constantly for wisdom - there are so many complicated decisions that come up.  For instance, we have considered getting out of the ministry.  We have been counseled that the verse about being disqualified for ministry because of unruly children does not apply to adult children.  I don't know if that is right but we have followed that counsel.  Also, do we have her in our home for holidays?  Whether it's right or not, we do.  We welcome her home and try to make things wonderful while she is there. But her values and standards are not ours. Many times, she has ruined things for all of us by being selfish and demanding and exploding and saying unkind things to all of us. That leaves us all upset  but I don't want to exclude her.  I love her and all my children.  I don't know if the others resent her or not. 

If she comes to repentance - Suzanne says to say "when" and not "if" - I know there will be consequences.  Forgiveness (God's and ours) doesn't remove those.  I do not know what those will be and probably those consequences will be hard, too.  But I am willing to bear anything - I just want to know that all my children will be in Heaven with me one day.

This is getting really long.  I have not really offered much advice.  I pray for other parents that have to go though something like this.  It is very hard.  Like Suzanne says, there is no pain like parent pain.  I have to hold on tight to God and pray that He will bring her back.  It really is true that He is faithful and that He can give you joy even when your heart breaks.  Pray a lot.  Read the Bible a lot.  And find one or maybe two friends that you trust and will pray with you.

Guest posts

Got something new coming.  I am excited about this!  I have the great privilege to be friends with some really amazing women and they all enrich my life.  Over the coming weeks and months, I will be sharing some of their stories.  Or letting them share them.  These friends are just "ordinary" women whose lives have seen intense difficulties.  Some have endured pain in their marriage.  Others have had their hearts broken by their children.  Still others have gone through difficulties brought on by "life".  All are my heroes.


I've asked several of my friends from all over the country to write a guest post for me.  I've pledged to keep theses anonymous because their stories are personal and much of their pain is private.  These treasured women have agreed to share their hearts with you because they want to encourage others.  To share truth and comfort and hope. 


I'm looking forward to sharing their stories.  You won't know who they are this side of Heaven but you're gonna love 'em.  Promise.


Oh, and if you have a story that you're willing to share, let me know.  I'd love to hear from you.