The 5 traits kids needs to be successful adults...and how to cultivate them

What does it take to be a successful adult?  How can we get our kids to that place?


What does "successful" mean, anyway?


The dictionary defines "success" as "accomplishment of one's goal".  However you define success, I think that all parents want our children to be happy, well-adjusted, independent (at least of us!), grownups who bring value to the world around them and live for a purpose greater than their own pleasure.  To Paul and me, that is success.


The question then becomes - how do we parent in the time we have them under our roof to better their chances of such success?



I've observed lots of folks, some up close and some from afar, that I consider "successful".  Their vocational callings range from missionaries in a foreign land to chicken salesmen to a bedridden grandmother.  From a kindergarten teacher to a CEO to a builder.  From a maintenance man to a parttime coach to "just a mom".  And lots and lots of different spots in amongst all these.  Folks who are driven by their desire to succeed......but not with financial goals or positions of achievement but
rather with meaning and purpose and value.  Folks who want to impact the lives of others in a positive way.  To leave a legacy of joy and peace and love.  To bring glory to God.


As I've pondered these many folks, I have identified some commonalities.  Traits that seem to set them apart....traits to which their success can be attributed. 


If we want to parent our kids towards success, these are the traits that can get them there.


1.  Perseverance
You and I know that life is sometimes often hard.  We're tempted to give up, give in, or just give out.  In all areas of life - our vocation, our relationships, even our faith.  What we need is the ability to steadily continue in spite of obstacles and discouragement.  We need perseverance.
2.  Unselfishness
Admittedly, this flies in the face of most of the world's thinking.  We hear "look out for number 1", "nice guys finish last", and the like.  While that may help you climb the ladder, I think that once you reach the top, you will find you had leaned it against the wrong wall.  Unselfishness, instead, brings far greater joy and satisfaction than a continual self-focus.  In fact, the less one focuses on self, the happier one tends to be!
3.  Optimism
I am not suggesting an unrealistic denial of reality.  But I am advocating for cheerful, non-critical, encouraging attitudes.  There will be more than enough negative views - those who manage to be confidently positive will forever reap the benefits of creativity, energy, and joy.  And,the bonus perk of more social invitations because everybody would rather be around someone who sees the glass half-full!
4.  Gratitude
A spirit of thankfulness instead of a sense of entitlement is a major determiner of success.  It guards against bitterness and cynicism and promotes an atmosphere of cooperation and acceptance.  By gratitude, I do not mean a laissez faire attitude that simply takes whatever comes its way.  I don't advocate a mentality that accepts substandard effort as "whatever will be will be".  I am a big proponent of striving for excellence and expecting the best from your kids (and yourself).  By "gratitude", I mean a lack of a "victim mentality" or a feeling that the world owes you something (anything!), or a belief that you deserve the good things that come your way.  Rather, gratitude expects to work hard just because it's right and that when good things happen, it's because God is gracious and He works through gracious people to bless His undeserving saints.  Gratitude is closely linked to humility because a thankful heart is one that realizes it doesn't truly deserve anything good.  So whenever something good is given, gratitude flows out.
5.  Resilience
The importance of this trait cannot be overstated.  Because, let's face it, LIFE doesn't go according to plan.  In spite of hard work (and perseverance and unselfishness and optimism and gratitude), sometimes things just don't work out like we want them to.  We fail.  Others fail.  Life fails us.  So, the ability to get back up, to bounce back, to try again after failure may very well be the major determinant for success. 


Great traits.  But how do we cultivate them in our kids?




Probably a million different ways.  A million different times.  And then a million more.  But here are some suggestions -


1.  For perseverance - Don't "overhelp".  Let your kids struggle to do something on their own.  Yep, that's right. Let them struggle.  Even when - especially when - you could make it easier for them.  I'm not suggesting you abandon your kids and tell them to figure it out on their own but I am saying you need to step back.  No helicopter parenting.  Let them struggle. Do not let them think things are "supposed" to be easy.  Let them know that pressing on is the key to success. From tying their shoes to their math homework to marital contentment.  And then applaud the perseverance more than the "success"!!!!


2.  For unselfishness - This is definitely not going to come naturally!  So purpose to develop it.  From letting your 5 month old wait a bit before responding to her insistence for food to having your kids buy gifts for each other to volunteering at the homeless shelter together, constantly look for ways to help your child redirect the focus to others.  And when you observe acts of unselfishness, affirm it.  Because, trust me, it isn't natural -- it's Supernatural!


3.  For optimism - You're going to get labeled "Pollyanna" or even delusional but consistently point out the positive side of things to your kids.  Authenticate their feelings, yes, but then gently redirect them to the blessings or the silver lining or whatever.  Maintain an optimistic outlook regardless of the circumstances.  When kids see this in their parents, this is not only an example to emulate but it is also a means of quelling anxiety and instilling confidence in them.  Confidence that God is good and that He is always at work to bring good to His people.  Even when we can't see that!


4.  For gratitude -  You require it ! :)  Now I know you can't manufacture a thankful heart inside of your child but you can insist that they write thank you notes (handwritten!  this is a lost art!!), express verbal gratitude and never say "no problem"!!!!!!!!!!!  Continually point out things to be thankful for (great follow-up to an optimistic attitude....) to both God and fellow man.  Oh, and a cheerful, genuine attitude are also requisites for a grateful heart :)


5.  For resilience - When your child fails, don't let them wallow in it. Encourage them to express their remorse, their sadness, and their discouragement but then insist that they move on.  Try again.  As my friend Nancy says to her dear children - "here's some legos - build a bridge and get over it!!" Even if your hands are sweating and your knees are knocking, don't let them smell your fear.  Inspire them with your confidence in their ability to get up and try again.  Not a screaming soccer mom on the sidelines, demanding that little Johnny keep trying to score so that she can validate her own success but rather a quiet, courageous assurance that Johnny is gonna be triumphant. Because he's gonna get back up and keep going.  Instead of floundering in his blunder and expecting somebody to make him feel better.


There's one more thing.  One more key to developing these traits in our kids.


The most important thing.  The main thing.  The major factor.










The main thing.............is to lead by example.  No substitute for this.  Kids will imitate what they see modeled.  Scripture puts it this way A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher. (Luke 6:40).


Scariest verse in the Bible. 

How to S-T-O-P Christmas - P

No one sets out to be a Grinch about Christmas - not even the Grinch!  But somehow, the pressures and demands and expectations of the season can shrink the  heart of  even Cindy Loo Who into  Grinch-sized proportions.  A heart that views the holiday with dread and angst instead of joy and anticipation.  A heart that secretly wants to "stop Christmas from coming, somehow!".


So we've taken a few days to examine ways to change a Grinch heart into one that spreads Christmas cheer instead.  To one's own self....and to those all around.  We're learning how to S-T-O-P Christmas so that we won't want to stop Christmas :)


S- simplify.  Realize that less really can be more.  That the stress involved in some of the season's expectations simply do not have to rule us.  Simplify.  And enjoy!


T-thankful.  This conscious change on the inside shows up in delightful ways on the outside.  Cultivating a heart of thankfulness requires being intentional about it - indeed it's a choice.  One that must be repeated over and over and over.  But eventually, a Grinch heart gets stretched into a Who-heart by the exercise of thanksgiving.  And the result is the spreading of genuine joy to all those around us.


O- opt out.  Admittedly, this one is hard.  "FOMO" ("fear of missing out") is a very real phenomenon that can paralyze us into overactivity, overcommitment, and an under-sized heart.  If we want to enjoy the holidays, we must choose to limit our choices.  For our kids, for our selves, and for our wallet.   Opting out of even some good things can result in opting in to a season of more significance and value.


What about P?
One of the greatest contributors to a Grinch heart (and the unfortunate spreading of Grinch-ness to all nearby....) is the lack of this factor.  Its absence causes stress and overspending and angst for family and friends.  We need to make P a priority......


P - preparation.  This aspect delivers powerful dividends - it is most certainly worth your investment!


Preparing for the holidays takes many forms.  Material (as in gifts and decorations and food), physical (diet, exercise, and rest) and spiritual (the mental and emotional components of the soul!)


At this point of the season, you may feel that it's too late for preparation.  Not at all.  There are lots of things you can do in order to successfully prepare for Christmas even on December 20.....and you can make it your priority to plan ahead for December 2015 ASAP :):)


Let's start with food since everyone has to eat, even on Christmas morning.  Easy, quick and mildly healthy are my objectives.  (And after one of my kids singlehandedly ate the entire bag of Reeces in her stocking before breakfast one year, I decided minimal sugar was probably a good goal for Christmas morning breakfast!)  So in my freezer already are cheese grits casserole, apple -sausage breakfast bake, and plenty of Suzie's rolls to eat with my annual Chambers Christmas Jam.  And since my children are all old enough now to exercise a bit more discipline in devouring the contents of their stockings, I will also serve an overnight coffee cake which is sort of like monkey bread but easy to prepare the night before. 


You probably already have definite plans of where and with whom your holiday meals will be so you can also decide to do as much in advance as possible.  You can deliberately choose to serve foods that allow prep work to be done early and leave little to be finished at the last minute.  So that you can enjoy the time with your family instead of in the kitchen!


Although you can't do much "preparation" in the realm of gifts and decorations at this date, you can do a whole lot immediately after Christmas that will pay off plenty next year.  Take advantage of the post-holiday sales and get the wrapping paper, paper products, and extra decorations for a great deal.  Then store it all together so that when you pull out the boxes next year, you'll already have your supplies right there!
And for gifts, well, these can be purchased all year long!  This helps spread out not only the time element but especially the money factor.  Although there are some gifts that need to be selected close to December 25, there are lots and lots that can just as easily be bought in July.  Presents for teachers, hostess gifts, stocking stuffers, etc.  I already have a reminder on my June 2015 calendar to get the jars I will need in December for my Christmas Jam!


Next, physical.  Now any of you that know me know that I am the last person on this earth to preach diet and exercise to you. You can see that "diet" is simply "DIE" with a "T" and my personal life verse is 1 Timothy 4:8 ("bodily exercise profits little........) but my dear friend Caroline has obviously infiltrated my brain and I therefore acknowledge the benefits of wise food choices and not being a couch potato.  Be intentional about preparing yourself physically for the demands of the season - it can be as extreme as a weekly fasting day for a few weeks prior or as simple as being sure to fill up on fresh fruits and veggies and down adequate amounts of water.  Even if you have a regular fitness routine, the holiday season can throw schedules to the wind.  But since we know this, we can plan ahead to incorporate short bursts of physical activity into our day.  It might be 15 minutes on the treadmill or a game of bench jumping with your kids.  Don't think you have to have time for a "full" workout - just move!
And, let's talk about rest.  I know how easy it is to shortchange this component of our lives.  There are always more things to do and less time to get it done, especially the closer it gets to Christmas Day.  But it doesn't have to be that way.  If you get up early, you can accomplish more with less stress.  Truly.  But in order to do that, you have to get to bed early.  Seriously.  Now I know some seasons of life make this a challenge.  I know all about newborns and sick kids and hormones.  But you don't have to make that the norm nor use that as an excuse.  Your best morning begins the night before.  And if you make a decent bedtime the priority on a regular basis, then you will be physically prepared for the curveballs that come from time to time.


Material, physical, and now, spiritual preparation.  We need to make spiritual preparedness as much as, if not more than, any other aspect of planning ahead.  Filling up our hearts with Truth and worship will overflow into peace and joy and serenity. But we have to purpose to do that because the demands we feel during this season will threaten to convince us we don't have time for spiritual preparation.  We will be "too tired" to get up early enough for devotional time.  We will be tempted to ignore the nudge to set apart time for reflection, worship, contemplation.   We will instead occupy our minds and hearts with frenzy, busyness, even panic.  When the soul is depleted of spiritual food, it cannot respond to the season's challenges with anything but stress. The heart will shrink to...three sizes too small!  In short, Grinch-ness.
  If we want a season of Christmas cheer, then we must prepare for it with determination.  That's the whole idea of the Advent Season.  Some ideas our family has enjoyed are Advent wreaths, Jesse Trees, and service to others.  And always always always, reading the Christmas story and attending worship services!


And that makes for the greatest Christmas cheer of all.


BTW - I am quite aware that I have included this photo numerous times.  On purpose.  Because Jonathan was my inspiration to not "stop Christmas from coming" but rather to "S-T-O-P" Christmas! 


AND because I think these two are da bomb.  And I think you should, too!

How to S-T-O-P Christmas - O

So, in our quest not to be Grinch-like, we are striving to S-Simplify and T-have a thankful heart.  What is "o" for?


Opt out.



Not out of Christmas, mind you, but out of anything that doesn't add value in some way to the season. Value of time or meaning or relationship.


That includes some "good stuff".


With "simplify", we reduced some things that didn't have to be elaborate.  Food, decorations, gifts, and the like.




Now, we are going to opt out - as in eliminate, not participate, decline - a lot!  I warn you, some choices will be painful.  Others will be pure delight and you'll wonder why you never crossed them off your inclusive list before!  But some things that you opt out of will require some courage.  And a commitment to your overall goal - a blessed season.  And you may need some accountability to help you stick to your choice.


A few years ago, I decided to not to Christmas cards.  And I thought I'd die.  I wanted to send out cards to let folks know I wasn't sending out cards just so they wouldn't think I'd forgotten them.  Or worse.  But the time required to get us together for a picture, order cards, and address envelopes before the season ended --- not to mention the expense -- was better allocated elsewhere.  And guess what - in spite of my angst, the sun still rose and Christmas still came...and no friends de-friended me (at least not on account of my lack of Christmas cards, anyway!) 


One year I kept my kids out of the humongous and wildly popular church Christmas program (the one that required weekly practices from Labor Day through mid-December....whew)  That choice was really tough.  But it wound up being an absolutely lovely season with much less frenzy and haste and we got to do some things that we hadn't had time to do before.  Christmas lights at Lake Lanier.  Cookie decorating parties (that lasted more than 30 minutes because that was all the time we previously had!) Stay up late and watch Christmas movies and drink hot chocolate.  Visit retirement homes and love on some lonely folks.  On and on....and I'll bet if you ask my kids about missing that performance, they don't even remember........


I remember when we lived in North Carolina away from family.  The first Christmas there, we busted our tails to get "home" and spend it with all sides of everywhere.  Not because anyone pressured us -- that's just what we thought we should do.  It was crazy.  Didn't feel like much of a celebration.  So the next year, we had our own Christmas at home.  Home for our family unit.  And it was sweet.  We were able to include some folks that didn't have anyone to spend the holiday with.  And build our own memories.  (and just in case grandmothers everywhere are about to hyperventilate, thinking I am going to convince their babies not to come home this year, relax.  We did get "home"  a few days later.  And as far as I know, everyone is still speaking to us.....)


There are some things you can opt out of.  Doesn't have to be Christmas cards or church musicals or travelling far and wide.  It might be saying no to the 6th neighborhood soiree or the 11th kids caroling event.  It might be that you decide not to prepare homemade caramels for 100 friends or not to volunteer at the soup kitchen 4 times during the month of December.  But whatever it is, make your choice....and tell someone else to help you stick to it.  It took me several attempts to take a break from Christmas cards and the only way I finally opted out was the year I asked my husband to help me stick to my choice. 


I don't know what you need to opt out of in order to S-T-O-P a Grinch Christmas at your house.  But there are some things that can go.  And you can figure it out.


And you can have a really Merry Christmas, as merry as all the Who's in Whoville!

A Christmas Message

It's Tuesday night.  Wednesday's Word hasn't been written yet.  A gaggle of girls from Betsy's small group are in my kitchen decorating cookies.  And giggling and singing and making me smile.  I was tempted to skip my regularly scheduled blog post.  But then I had a thought to share.


As I listened to them laughing with each other, I told God "thank you".   Thank you for my kids.  And my kids' friends.  And my church.  And THE CHURCH. 




THE CHURCH.  I think that's the message of Christmas.


At Christmas, we celebrate not really the baby in the manger but more so the God-man on the cross.  The One who died that we might know Him.  That we might   grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love. (Ephesians 6:16)


In Ephesians, Paul describes "the church" this way....  the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.  (Ephesians 1:22,23)  In THE CHURCH, we see the manifestation of Christ, the Head.  We see love in action, unity of purpose, to the glory of God the Father. 




I love my church.  I love THE CHURCH.  Because Jesus does.  I want you to love THE CHURCH, too.  If you've had a less than good experience with church, I want to say I'm sorry.  Probably all of us can relate to "church hurt" and it can really really really hurt.  I understand. I've had some, too.  Sometimes we THE BODY just don't get it right. And the pain is great.


But if you'll extend some grace and try again, I think you'll love THE CHURCH, too.  This Christmas, I hope you'll go to A CHURCH and celebrate.  Celebrate not only the love that sent the baby to the manger but especially the love that sent that grown-up baby to the cross.  That's the real Christmas gift.


Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift. The gift of mercy and grace that adopts the outcast and undeserving into His family, THE CHURCH.


Amen.

How to S-T-O-P Christmas - "T"

Hopefully you've read the first two posts in this series and realize I'm not all about being a Grinch!  If not, please take a moment and read them herehttp://livingletters4.blogspot.com/


I don't want to "stop Christmas" - I want to S-T-O-P Christmas!


First, there is the concept of "simplify".  It really can make a difference in what you are trying to do and what you are letting stress you out.  Simplify instead of stressing - oh yes!


The next thing to S-T-O-P Christmas is something that goes on inside.  In the heart.  A seemingly small choice that will work its way from the inside out.....into big results.


T.......



For "thankful".


Wait.  Don't stop reading.  This really will make a huge difference in how you view Christmas. How you approach your "to do " list. How you treat other people.  And especially how much you and yours enjoy the season.


It's all too easy to pretty much skip over the spirit of Thanksgiving and slide right into "stuff to do, and give and get" .  I mean, really , think about how "Black Friday" has practically eclipsed the day set aside for gratitude!  Instead of a time for thankful reflection, we spend it packing our stomachs and unpacking our wallets.  Hardly a way to set the tone for a grateful heart.


An lack of thanksgiving shows up as impatience.  Fretfulness.  Irritability.  Disappointment over unmet expectations.  In short, the Grinch.


What a difference it can make if we are intentional about cultivating a thankful heart!  Instead of focusing on what we want to get, or even give, if we concentrate on the blessings we already have, our heart is soothed.  Enriched.  Content. 


A grateful heart changes the atmosphere not only of its resident but also of those around it.  I vividly recall one time a group of wives were sitting around complaining uh, sharing, about their husbands and one woman completely changed the whole conversation by gently praising her man.  Nothing showy.  Not even a rebuke of her friends.  Just a quiet humble giving of thanks for something she appreciated about him.  Every single woman changed her tune.  It evoked in all those around her to realize the things they, too, were thankful for.


Being thankful is possible, even in the most difficult  of circumstances.  Some of the most thankful folks I know have experienced the greatest of all heartbreaks.  They have hurt and grieved and wished things could've turned out differently....yet they still have chosen to give thanks.  To find blessings in the midst of pain.  Intentionally.  In so doing, they have found contentment.  Satisfaction.  Even joy.  A thankful heart,


How can we be thankful, genuinely?  How can we cultivate an attitude of gratitude?


John Piper says that "gratitude rises in proportion to how undeserved we perceive a gift to be".  Wow. That's a lot to ponder.  Think about the converse.  If we are not grateful, it is likely because we think we deserve the good we get....and more.  And if we don't get all the good that we think we deserve, not only are we not thankful, we are likely angry and bitter and envious.


How to S-T-O-P Christmas?


Not only simplify.....but be thankful.  Thankful to God for His indescribable gift of Jesus.  For His unmerited favor.  For the countless blessings of life and relationships and beauty.


Thankful also to the people we encounter every day.  In little ways and big ways.  Give thanks.


And change the atmosphere of the season for those around you!