What is a Mother?

repost in honor of Mother’s Day

A Mother is the heart in which God conceives a child, regardless of the womb that carries it.  The dream, the love, the child.  The child to be protected and fed and comforted and guided, no matter the age, by a Mother's love.


Often, the title "Mom" is bestowed on the one who birthed or raised you but sometimes, it's for the one who nurtured you spiritually.  Might be one and the same, might not.  Both apply.


When God made man and woman, He said He made them both in His own image. That means that God has "mommy traits", not only "Father" ones.  The tender, gentle, comforting love of a Mom is a mirror of God.  So is the fierce, self-sacrificing, determined protection.  And the ability to see the potential for good, the possibility of greatness, the promise of God in us.


On this Mother's Day, I pay tribute to all Moms everywhere, to the calling of Motherhood itself.  The highest and most sacred of all works - being a Mom. And probably the hardest.  The pain of labor and delivery.  The physical exhaustion that newborns impart.  The depletion of patience and order and brain cells (Mom's!) that occurs in  the toddler stage. The heartache of a disappointed child that is exponentially experienced in the Mother. The fears of the "what if's" in the teenage years. The demands of multiple children and different phases might cause an observer to question if it's all worth it.  Especially when the realization dawns that being a Mother is forever.  This is a job that's never completed.


Yes, I would advocate that this is the hardest job in the universe.  It takes its toll on one's body and mind and especially one's heart.  Certainly there can be "no pain like parent pain". But I believe with all my soul that there is no joy like that of a Mom.


Unequalled.  Indescribable.  Worth everything.  And then some more.


Knowing that baby 9 months before anyone else but God.  Sharing space more intimately than any other human...sustaining life.  Experiencing a corner of God's unconditional love for us when that newborn is placed in our arms - deep affection and steadfast love for someone who has done absolutely nothing to merit it.  This tenacious bond changes Mom and child forever.


The years reinforce that bond with each new word spoken, every new skill taught.  The light in the child's eyes when Mommy walks in the room, the clinging arms around her neck pleading against even momentary separation.  The intimate understanding of what each sound means...even the silent ones. 


The bond strengthens.  With every hug and a thousand bedtime kisses and countless bandaids on boo-boos.  And not in spite of but because of the messes cleaned up, the fevers survived, and the tantrums endured.


The bond intensifies.  The dandelion bouquets. The handmade cards and refrigerator pictures.   The pride in feats accomplished. The traffic tickets.  That first crush.  The burden carried to ease the pain of the invitation that didn't come or the race lost or the betrayal by someone dear. Flowers from a florist - and without a reminder from Dad.


And the bond grows so substantial that you think severing it will destroy you.


But, you watch in amazement at the metamorphosis. Without this adaptation, surely you would die.

This connection that binds you inextricably to this child changes miraculously to allow detachment, parting, growing up.  The unyielding links that years of sustaining and training and loving have forged morph into a taut bow that sends its arrows into the world to make their mark....


But that bond never breaks.  Never ever ever.


Happy Mother's Day, my friends.  Forever.

Parenting Adult Children

repost

I'm still on the parenting theme but I'm branching out. 

Now that I have  more of my children in the "adult" stage of life than are in the "training" phase, I realize how much my role as parent changes through the years.  I am struggling to get it right, stumbling frequently, but trying to successfully adapt (and to jump back and forth into the proper role I am to play for each child and their perspective stage - the challenges of a wide age spread :)  )  As hard as those early years of parenting are (and I do think they are hard!), these later years have at least as many stringent demands.  Before you hand in your parental resignation, let me assure you that the joys far outweigh the troubles!  But just be aware that, whether you realized it or not when that pregnancy test came back positive, you signed up for life.  Parenting is a task that is never completed....it just changes forms.

I've often quipped that if I were to write a book about this phase of parenting, I would entitle it "Teethmarks on my Tongue".  If there's one thing I am learning, it's that I do a better job the less I say.  That probably applies across the board in my life..........oh well.....

I'll acknowledge right up front that I am hardly qualified to hand out any advice on this subject (my family is now rolling their eyes amid yelps of laughter that this has never stopped me before!).  But more than a couple of my friends have suggested I tackle it.  So, I asked for their input, observed some folks that have healthy relationships with their grown kids, and pondered some things that I've seen create imbalance and angst in families. Here's what I came up with....

As kids move into high school, college and certainly beyond,

the task of instruction is largely

completed

.  When parents fail to grasp this, the young adult can become either unhealthily dependent (and thereby remain immature and poorly equipped to succeed) or emotionally distant in the relationship (resenting the parent's failure to recognize the changing role).  Granted, this adjustment is not easy but it is critical that we strive for it.  Absolutely crucial.  And once we move in that direction, it becomes easier and quite enjoyable.  All these years we were not supposed to be a "buddy" to our kids and now we can!

Three ways to cultivate the relationship in this chapter of life:

1. 

Encourage

them with your support

Support that is manifested with words and actions.

 Words:  As one of my comrades puts it, be a cheerleader. Applaud them (specifically and genuinely - not just "You're awesome" ) No one ever gets too old to need to hear commendations, especially from a parent.  Encourage them with your words.

Actions: While I don't think "support" should be financial, there are other actions that communicate your encouragement.  Be there when they ask for your presence.  Make home a haven. Serve them when they come for a visit.  (Speaking of which, don't demand -either outright or via guilt trips - that they come home for holidays or anytime.  Make home such a refuge and source of encouragement that they come of their own volition!) Babysit those grandkids so their parents can be reminded of why they got married in the first place.  Encourage them with your actions.

Note:  "support" does not have to equal "agreement".  You may not agree with every choice but you can still provide support.  You might turn out to be right....or you might not.  The important thing is that your children know you are

for

them.  Oh, and when you have kids that love you and value your approval, be aware that what you intend as "input", they might view as "insistence".  Be careful. (Teethmarks, my friend, teethmarks on the tongue....)

2.

Empower

them with your confidence

Acknowledge that, while they are forever part of your family they are now their own entity.  Contrary to popular folklore, you don't gain a son when your daughter gets married.  You gain a SON IN LAW.  They are a separate unit from you.  Release them to be independent by communicating your belief that they are

capable

of being independent.

They're gonna make some mistakes. It's ok.  Really, it's OK.  Don't try to insulate them from all bad decisions.  Let them know they are free to make choices and succeed at  some and fail at others....and that you think they are good enough to make it at this thing called "LIFE".  We bestow a priceless gift when we let them know we are confident of God's grace IN THEM and their ability to appropriate it successfully.  Perhaps our best parenting moments are the ones when we tell them we have no idea what they should do but that  we know they will figure it out.  I'm not saying we refuse to give counsel

when asked.

  I'm just saying that our certainty that they will make it infuses an awful lot of courage at those times when doubt is banging loudly on their door.

And, if you've sufficiently encouraged and empowered, you'll have the opportunity to

3.

Enable

them with your wisdom

The training time has past.  But there's always time for counsel.  If they ask.  Gently, humbly, affectionately share your wisdom.  Share some of the things you've done right but more so the wisdom you've gained from things you've done wrong.  Powerful counsel, those things we learned on life's field trips.  May God grant that we earn this place of influence in the lives of our kids, that we might spare them those kinds of field trips.

And, finally, most of the time, just be quiet and smile.  Teethmarks on the tongue :)

It's not your fault...but you can fix it

Are you in conflict with someone right now?


Maybe it's your teenager.  Or your co-worker.  Somebody at church or in the neighborhood.


Maybe it's your spouse.


Ask yourself some questions about that...


What bothers you about that person?
What is the source of the angst between you?
What would you like to change about this relationship/that person?
Do you think things can get better?


This isn't a post about changing the other person to make this better.
And it's not a post about changing yourself.


This is a post about the problem.

I continually surprise myself at how easily I get distracted from the real problem.  How quickly I can slip into thinking that my relational concerns are the rooted in someone's quirks or issues or even their sin...or my own.


Those are not the root but rather the leaves and branches of the conflict.


Ephesians 6:12 spells out the problem clearly - For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.


The root of the conflict between you and your child, you and your neighbor, you and your spouse is not the other person.  And it's not you.  It's not any person - it's spiritual.


The spiritual forces of evil that wage war in the heavenly places against the saints.
It's not a sci-fi movie - it's real.


The unseen powers of wickedness that temporarily rule over this world are the cause for the problems in your relationship.  The source for the conflicts that torment us.  That's the enemy.  That's who we need to battle...not the other person.


How easily we are deceived into blaming someone for the tension, the separation, the pain that exists in our relationships.  We battle the pride and selfishness and anger and greed of our friend, our child, our spouse...and ourselves.


And we keep losing.
The conflict persists.  Intensifies.  Breaks us apart.


Because we're fighting the wrong combatant!


We don't have to lose this war.  We don't have to experience the casualties of conflict. But we do have to fight. 


The right hostile forces.
With the right weapons.


For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.
2 Corinthians 10:4

Spiritual forces cannot be defeated with fleshly weapons.
Arguing, pleading, manipulating, even counseling are insufficient (sometimes even more destructive) in our struggle against them.
We need divine power.


The weapons God has divinely equipped us with are found in Ephesians 6. Verses 17, 18 - the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 


Two weapons.  Divinely powered to destroy the real enemy in our relationships.
Prayer and God's Word.


No substitutes will effect the change we want, the peace we desire, the blessings we seek.


Take a moment.  Ponder that relationship that is in such strife. 
It's not their fault.  Or yours.
But you can fix it.


Pray.
Pray God's Word over the problem.  Into the conflict.  Unto victory.


(Suggested resources - Stormie Omartian's books - The Power of  a Praying Woman, The Power of a Praying Wife, The Power of a Praying Parent ; Beth Moore's Praying God's Word )














Being perfect - even just one thing

You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:48


Most of us would just as soon slide right over this command, wouldn't we?  At the very least, we want to interpret it in a way that cuts us at least a bit of slack. 

What does it mean - being perfect like God???





I don't know.


But let's unpack it together and see if we can gain some insight into what Jesus is saying.


Here are my thoughts....


1.  Jesus is speaking; the disciple Mathew is transcribing.
2.  The word used for "perfect"  in the original Greek text is "teleio".  It means perfect, complete.  It is not used when describing sinlessness - that word is "anamartetos".
3.  Although Jesus is not calling for perfection in the sense of no sin, He does set the standard "as your Heavenly Father is perfect".
4,  What does the "therefore" refer to?  Context, as always, is key.  So let's look at the verses preceding this command to be perfect....


In verses 17-20 Jesus astonishes His listeners by throwing out their standard for religious perfection - the behavior of the Scribes and Pharisees.  He says that such righteousness is not enough to gain entrance into God's Kingdom.  Instead, He says, one must have righteousness that surpasses it.

Verses 21-47 set up a comparison of what that day's religious leaders proclaimed ("You have heard...") and what God requires ("But I say...")



21 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. 23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. 25 Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. 26 Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.33 “Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ 34 But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. 36 And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. 37 Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40 And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42 Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?


Anger, retaliation, insults, adultery, marriage, integrity, restitution, how to treat enemies...Jesus sets the bar high - our standard is HIM.


He goes after our hearts, rather than our behavior.  He displays the perfection of loving God and loving others in His own life, fulfilling perfectly every command of God's Law.


And He expects us to do the same.


How in the world can we do that?


Only by His life in us living out through us.
That's the only way.


When we pursue Christ, He will fulfill His law of love through us.


It's not mystical nor does it require nothing of us.  We must cooperate with His grace that He makes available to work in us and through us.  We must obey - by His power - what He shows us to do.


But make no mistake about it - He desires perfection in us, just  as our Heavenly Father is perfect.


Suggestion - ask Him today to help us obey vs 47.  Just look for opportunities to speak to more than just our friends.  My original intent for today's post was just that verse but I couldn't write about that without the context of the whole message.  So, in our pursuit of perfection today -- of the goal of being like our Heavenly Father -- let's try this one thing.  When we are at Publix or the soccer field or at church today, let's make a point to greet and visit with and love on more than just our inner circle.


It might just make a really big difference in someone else's life.


It will definitely expand our hearts.


And I know our Heavenly Father will be pleased.