The Project

Many months ago, I found myself down in the dumps.  In sort of a spiritual desert.  I kept most of my feelings to myself but inside, I felt sad. And discontented.  Actually a bit numb.  And it seemed like I was just going through the motions instead of embracing life. I didn't even feel connected to my Heavenly Father.   I wanted to regain authentic joy and the zest for life I was accustomed to.  But my normal little "pick me ups" didn't deliver.


Waiting til I "felt" like serving and loving wasn't an option.  The demands of my life are the same for  most of you - we have to keep on keeping on in spite of what our emotions register.  So I kept on.  But I wanted it to be more.


God gave me a project.  Apparently He's dispensing the same idea to lots of other folks because a couple of months ago, one of my favorite young women gave me a very popular book that proposes a similar idea.  And I've heard 2-3 other women say they have embarked on kindred undertakings.


Here's what He told me to do.


Keep a list of times where I observe His activity in my life. 

Not a list of things I'm thankful for - although that's a good idea, too.  But rather incidences that remind me that He is at work on my behalf.  Sometimes it's "little" things like finding a recipe for granola bars that I wanted.  Or getting some new contacts that make my life go so much smoother.  Or enjoying the daffodils in my yard.
Or big things like hearing that God spoke to someone through something I said. Or having Him remind me to pay a bill I'd forgotten...before it was overdue!   Or being convicted of sin.  Or seeing Him move in the life of a family member. Or a relationship restored.


I asked Him to open my eyes so that I could see Him at work.  I tried to jot things down every day but some days I missed.


  This "project" proved effective in spite of my omissions.


I just looked back at my lists and noted the dates.  In about six weeks, my spirit was rejuvenated.  I was already leaving the desert.  Hope and joy were blossoming.


I've continued "the project".  I hope I never stop.  I want to always see His hand on my life.


And, if I somehow wander back into that desert, I have a feeling that the project in this spiral bound composition book will be the map to lead me out again.



At the root of it all...

At the end of our driveway, grew some crepe myrtles.  Beautiful bushes.  Deep pink blooms through the summer and brilliant color all fall.  Gorgeous.  Really.


But they grew too large for that spot and, well, it was time for a change.  So we (I use the royal "we"...it was totally my husband!) cut them down, and dug up the roots.  On to the new landscape plan.  Except that those gorgeous crepe myrtles didn't want to leave us.  After we thought we had removed them, they grew back.  We dug up some more and, just to be on the safe side, got a professional tree cutter to dig them out for good.


Or so we thought. 


The following spring, those stubborn crepe myrtles reappeared. Ruining my planting plans at the end of the driveway.  Not gorgeous.  Tacky.


Try as we might, we couldn't seem to rid ourselves of those plants.  They had obviously established for themselves a vast root system.  We could chop off what we could see and even dig out til we thought we had it all, but those persistent roots kept producing fruit.  Fruit that we no longer wanted.


Sigh.


Driving past them today, I had a thought about another obstinate root that all too often grows in the lives of God's people.  Willful and ornery.  And, unlike those crepe myrtles, these roots produce no beauty.  Anywhere.


Bitterness.




Do you know anyone who's bitter?  Have you ever felt those pangs yourself?  I can answer "yes" to both questions.  Bitterness is fairly easy to detect - in someone else, at least! An air of defensiveness.  A desire to "tell their story" over and over.  At least their side of it.  One sided perspective. An attitude that seems to think they deserve better.  An unwillingness to let goodness inside that hard shell in spite of a desperate desire to embrace it.
 We tend to keep our distance from bitter people, just like we would spit out banana peels or coffee grounds to rid ourselves of that taste.  However, just like the initial taste of bitter chocolate or coffee  can become not only tolerable but eventually delicious after repeated exposure, so it is with bitterness that we allow to remain in our own lives.  Keeping it close makes it livable....then comfortable....then preferable.  But to those around us, that cloak of bitterness creates a hard shell of distrust and insensitivity to others - while being over sensitive about our own feelings -, a tension in the relationship, a spirit of ingratitude and rejection.


 Truly, that poisonous root grows up and brings trouble to its host and to all those around.




For Wednesday's Word today, we're going to take a look at what causes bitterness and how to overcome it.
Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:15

 First, how does that root get in our hearts and grow in the first place?


 This verse teaches that it's from failing to receive the grace of God.  What does that mean?  Grace is God's favor that He bestows on us, the power to desire and to obey His will.  He makes it available to us if we humble ourselves before Him -  He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."  James 4:6


Since this passage is written to God's people, it is not referring to the time He grants us grace at the moment of salvation. (Ephesians 2:8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God ).  The passage in Hebrews and the passage in James are a reminder that, just as it is His grace that saves us, so it is His grace that enables us to live a life that pleases Him. (2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work )


God presents us opportunities to need His grace for those good works, about a zillion times a day.  Good works in the form of serving others without being appreciated...or even noticed.  Good works in the form of being content with what we have...instead of comparing our lives to someone else.  Good works in the form of not returning evil for evil....and giving a blessing instead.  Good works as in accepting personal responsibility for sin...instead of blaming your own failure on someone else's.  And especially the good work of forgiving others the debt they owe you...just as God in Christ has forgiven you.


So, how do we fail to receive the grace of God for these good works? 


See James 4:6 again.  And I Peter 5:5.


Yep, you guessed it.  Pride.  The attitude that thinks we deserve better than what we got.


Pride is what blocks our reception of grace.  Pride prevents our ability to receive what we need to live a life of joy and peace and  freedom and obedience.  Pride clings to a belief that we deserve better than we got.  Instead of hope, though, it's more an attitude of entitlement.  One that expects...demands...that life produce better circumstances or gifts or people for us.
But pride never delivers what it demands.




Pride spawns instead...a root of bitterness.


Some of the fruits that grow from this root are


depression (Proverbs 14:10)
cynicism (Hebrews 12:15)
critical, judgmental spirit (Matthew 7:2)
physical ailments (Psalm 32:3-5, Proverbs 14:30)
hypersensitivity of own feelings (Proverbs 26:22)
defensiveness (Matthew 7:5)
anger, envy, resentment, etc




All kinds of things that ruin the landscape plan that God has for our lives.....and those around us..... just like those unwanted crepe myrtles at the end of my driveway.
Unlike those crepe myrtles, though, there's not one thing pretty about bitterness.


So, then, how do we get rid of this poisonous root?


3 basic steps.  They sound simple, but I'll warn you, they are hard.  Digging out those roots is hard work.  And painful.
1.  Accept personal responsibility for the roots
Quit the blame game. Humble yourself. No matter what happens to us, we are in charge of our response.  Own it. Confess the sin to God....and anyone you've poisoned (even if they are the offender!)
2.  Forgive anyone you perceive as an offender  which includes anyone who didn't measure up to your expectations.
This doesn't mean you say "it's ok, no big deal".  Sometimes it's a mighty big deal indeed!  Forgiveness does NOT mean to dismiss the offense.  It means instead that you don't make the other person pay what they owe you. 
This is hard to do.  At least for me.  It takes a lot of work on my part - here's some stuff that helps me along ---
-  Ask God for help.  Tell Him what the other person did and why it hurts.  Then ask for His help in forgiving them
- Pray for the other person (no, not "God, get them and get them good!")  Pray for God's blessing in the life of your offender
- "Invest" in them by showing them love.  God will give you the ideas if you ask Him.
3 .Trust God when He says He is at work on your behalf, bringing good to those who love and obey Him.  See Him as the giver of good gifts.  Instead of blaming Him - and others - for what you perceive as "shortfall". And, ask Him if your expectations need adjustment........
Open your eyes to the good gifts and thank Him.  Then, thank Him even for the offenses.  (I Thessalonians 5:8 -- when it says "everything", it means "EVERY thing"!!)  Know that His ways are above our ways.  He is the ultimate alchemist...turning what others meant for evil, into our good.


Pulling out the root of bitterness.  Hard work.  Long hard work, sometimes.  Repeated efforts, sometimes.
But, just like those crepe myrtles needed to go before the plan of beauty I had in mind for my driveway could be developed, so it is with bitterness. Removal of bitterness makes room for beauty.
The very process of "bitterness removal" can accomplish what God had in mind in the first place...




Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need   Hebrews 4:16


Next time you drive by my house, take a look to see if we've still got a few roots to eradicate.  Better yet, let's grant one another access to our hearts and help each other be ready for God's planting.  It's so much prettier than anything we can produce on our own!


P.S. - next time, I will share a very practical project that helps with the root-pulling!!

Discipline - Part 4


I have had more trouble with this post than anything I've ever written!  I spent forever on it and then apparently hit something wrong and it disappeared without my knowing it.  Then I rewrote it and somehow it published before I was through.  I have no idea why it was so hard to write but here it is and I hope it is helpful. :)  Blessings!!




Correction.  A vital component in the discipline part of the parenting machine.  It's so very vital and so very important to get it right.  As right as we possibly can.  Correction is the tool to modify behavior.  It's how we remove hindrances to the goal.  By correction, we strive to eliminate harmful acts and attitudes, as well as put in place the desirable ones.  Correction is not punishment.

The foundation of correction is a heart check of the parent.  Scripture makes it very clear that we are to assess ourselves before correcting someone else.  Matthew 7:3   Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  and Galatians 6:1 if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

First, remember instruction has to be clear. Correction consists of words and actions. Issue a warning/reminder to the child, at least initially.  If this is a continually repetitive offense, there have probably been too many words and not enough action.

Then, check your heart.  Isn't it incredible how these little objects of our genuine love and undying devotion can make us so upset??? So I find it not only beneficial but completely necessary to take and moment and check my own heart.  Do not administer corrective words or actions if you are angry.  Great harm can be done.  (If you've messed up in this area - and Lord knows I have - then you need to ask your child to forgive you.  Get your heart right before attempting to train another's)

Next, get the child's attention.  Not by screaming (unless they are about to step in front of a bulldozer.  Then it is fine to scream and grab them by the hair to move them out of harm's way) Turn their little face to look at you and tell them to look you in the eyes.  Remind them of the command and state that it has been violated (ok, use age appropriate words!). Don't ask why they did it just ask for agreement that they disobeyed.  This step is important because you are training them to accept personal responsibility for their actions.  We need to help them avoid excuses or "victim mentality". 

Then, you remind them that God tells us to obey and that there are consequences if we don't.  Explain that because you love them so much, you are going to help them learn to obey God.  Because that is the way of joy and blessing and you want that for them!

Consequences - methods of correction -
Consider these factors - age of child, the offense, and repetitions of offense - and always administer correction in private.  I will repeat that 10000 times.  Praise publicly but correct privately.
1.  Verbal rebuke - sometimes a firm "NO" is all that's needed.  (If you have a child that will always respond to this without further action, get on your knees right now and thank God profusely). 
2.  Time out - Removing a child from the situation is often an effective solution.  Set a timer so the child knows this is not permanent and then put him/her in a room where there is nothing to entertain them.  At all. When the timer goes off, they are not allowed to hop out of the chair.  They must be released by the parent. My husband and I had the policy of whoever put them in, got them out.  No "good cop, bad cop" routine. At this point, take the time to discuss the offense, remind them of the command they are to obey, lead them in asking God and you for forgiveness (and anyone else that they sinned against), hug them and it's over. 
3.  Withdrawal of privilege - this is especially effective with older children.  Whenever possible/reasonable, tie the loss of privilege to the offense.  For example, if the child gets a speeding ticket, no driving for a week or whatever.  (Yes, this inconveniences the parent.  That's part of the correction -- learning that our sin affects other people)
4.  Work - My kids have so much work to do for me already that I rarely used this but it can be a great option.  Pulling weeds, scrubbing baseboards, washing windows, etc.  Try not to imagine violations just so you can get your kids to do this work........ :)
5. Spanking  - I know this can be controversial so I want to say strongly and clearly that I am vehemently against child abuse.  Slapping and hitting a child (or anyone, for that matter) are not options for parenting.  A parent out of control that vents frustration and anger on a child will do great damage.  For sure.
That, however, is not what the Bible exhorts.  Calm, firm, controlled correction in the form of a spanking is what Proverbs 13:24, 23:13 and 29:15 describe:
He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.


Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.

The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother

Here's some guidelines for spanking we used in our home -
- "spank spoon" instead of our hands.  Hands are for nurturing and cuddling, not for correction.  We found a rubber spatula worked better than a wooden spoon.  I was "reared" with a paddle but I don't know where to find those anymore!
- privacy.  Did I already mention that? :)  Administer spankings in private.  Do not involve anyone but parent and child.  Privacy  We sent the child to our room to wait for us.  This gave us a chance to check our hearts as well as to let the child think about the situation.  Of course this doesn't work with really little ones!  They might escape!!!
- go through the steps mentioned previously (state offense, have child admit responsibility, explain that disobedience brings consequences so that correct behavior will replace disobedience) and tell them you are grieved that they have disobeyed because now you must correct them
-explain what you are about to do, including a limit on the swats.  If child cooperates, that is all he/she receives.  If, however, child kicks, screams, resists, explain that there will be additional swats.
If the child is out of control, hold him/her firmly and remain calm.  If you start to lose it, separate from the situation until you can regain control of yourself.
- have your child lay across your lap
- then spank.  Chip Ingram explains the procedure well in this article from Focus on the Family.  I haven't read the book it is taken from but this is a great article.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_biblical_discipline/effective-child-discipline/biblical-approach-to-spanking.aspx

- when child is sobbing gently (not screaming wildly - that would mean the correction did not affect his/her heart and you have more work to do), hold them close and love them.  Lead them in asking God's forgiveness and yours.  Assure them of your love and that you have confidence they will do it right the next time
- I learned this step from my husband.  I think it's profound.  After a spanking (or any other correction) he issued a "command" to the child.  Something as trite as "please hand me that piece of paper" but it was a chance for the child to walk in obedience.  An opportunity for them to demonstrate repentance and a heart of compliance.  Doing this reset the equilibrium of the relationship.  Wise man, that husband of mine!

You may be thinking, wow, this takes a lot of time.  You are right.  Effective discipline is hard work.  For the child and the parent.  It's time consuming and difficult and downright painful for all involved. If you will be diligent early on, it is much easier later.  Much less need for correction and  Hebrews 12:11 promises
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.









Discipline - Part 3

Discipline - The effective equipping of a child by a parent for successful living.


I suppose someone other than a parent can discipline a child but God makes it clear that parents are the ones responsible for it. 


Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Hebrews 12:7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?
Proverbs 19:18  Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death
Deuteronomy 8:5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.
Proverbs 3:12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.
Proverbs 29:15 A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.

Lots of things to notice in these verses -
Parents discipline children because they love them.  If we fail to discipline, it's as though we contribute to their death.  (See Proverbs 19:18 again)  Conversely, a parent that's willing to discipline imparts wisdom to the child.  And wisdom is the key to a successful life.  REAL success.


I shared in the earlier post that discipline has four components -
Instruction
Training
Correction
Result


All four components involve "goal".  Which leads to the question - "what is the goal?"


The foundational goal of discipline is to teach the child to obey until they can learn to discipline themselves.  And what is obedience?



Obedience is
Doing what you're told to do
When you're told to do it
With the right heart-attitude


If any of those aspects are awry, it's not obedience.  Doing part of what you're told to do is not obedience.  Delayed obedience is not obedience.  And doing what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to do it but screaming all the while is not obedience.


Children need to be instructed that obedience is comprised of all these parts.  They must be trained how to include all three.  Set that as your standard of obedience. And set it early.


In our home, the standard is God's Word.  That's what we strive to obey and to have our children obey.  All directives flow from that.  When God's Word is your authority, the child sees that you both are to submit to it.  This prevents a dictatorial approach to parenting.


There are an awful lot of instructions in God's Word so it helps me to simplify things down to what Jesus said  in Matthew 22:37-40 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments


Love God. Love others.  That's what our lives are to look like.  That's the goal for our kids as well.


Instruction - explain what obedience is.  And, yes, they can comprehend this when they are little.  Oh yes they can!  Their little hearts know the difference between putting the toy back in the toy box and throwing it across the room.  They know the difference between waiting a few minutes before responding.  (Note - DO NOT COUNT.  When you tell your child to do something, do not count to 5 or whatever before expecting compliance.  I know AWANA does this but that's helping a large group transition from loud to soft.  Don't do this with your child.  If you do, you are training him/her to wait until #5 to obey.  The goal is immediate obedience.  The reasons should be clear - their life can literally depend on it some day) And their hearts know the difference between lying still for a diaper change and kicking Mommy  in the face.  They know.
 
Training - explain (more than once) how to do what you are requiring.  Instruction makes it clear what the standard is and training shows how to reach it.  For instance, we required very early that our children speak to people.  To look them in the eyes and speak.  To answer when spoken to, without mumbling.  We set the standard (which did not include "shyness" as a reason not to speak to people)  and then we demonstrated how to do it. Literally, we practiced answering questions (including answering the phone!) and greeting people.  We reminded  the children of the standard before encountering an opportunity to demonstrate obedience and then we expected them to comply.  If they didn't, we refused to excuse them by claiming they were shy (because not speaking to people is rude, not shy).  Instead we might say something to the other person like "we're still working on this" and then lift their precious little face to look at the person.  We didn't belabor the point and make everyone uncomfortable but you can be sure we revisited that moment when we were alone with that child.  After a few training sessions and real life opportunities to put it into practice, we didn't keep training.  It was time for correction.


Correction - Correction should be gentle but decisive.  I will do a whole post on this component of discipline so I won't go into a lot of detail here.  Just to remind us that correction is different than punishment because the purpose is clearly to remove things that hindering the reaching of the goal of obedience.  To reform the wrong actions into the right ones.  If we do a great job of instructing and training, the need for correction is reduced.  But it will not be eliminated.  Kids have the same bent as their parents - to do things their own way!  Our job is to straighten out this bent so that our child will respond in obedience.  Correction of any behavior that falls short of obedience is essential.
Results - The result of discipline is wisdom.  Whether or not the child has responded to your discipline will be evident in his/her life.  (Note:  the response of the child is up to him/her, not the parent.  This is very important!  We parents are so prone to guilt if we perceive the child has not "turned out right" but their response is not up to us.  We are only accountable for parenting, not responding)
If, by God's grace, the child matures into a disciplined adult, the result is oh so very sweet.  Not just for the child, who gains wisdom, but also for the parent.  Oh how sweet it is! 

Last night (I promise I am not making any of this up!!!) I received a phone call from one of my adult children.  In that 10 minute conversation, she thanked me profusely and specifically for the training she received growing up.  She was grateful for being trained to speak to people and honor them, to serve others even at someone else's house, and to be cheerful and friendly even when feelings of insecurity and intimidation threaten to eclipse good manners. She thanked me for spanking her when she didn't do these things!!!!!!!!!!  I am serious!!!  This kid is about to graduate from college with numerous honors to her name, a great job to head to, and the accolades of scores of folks she's shown God's love to through the years.  And she credits her success to her training.


I credit it to God's grace and her response.  And I am on my knees in praise.












Wednesday's Word - guest link

Today I want to introduce you to a cyber friend of mine - Jill Hill.  She is a beauty all the way through!!!  Jill has a great blog called SHINE Girls and you need to check it out. I can relate to her posts - she reaches my heart! - and I think you will find the same is true for you.


Wednesday's Word - Help me to believe - by Jill Hill








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