Advice from a couple of pros

I was enjoying my conversation with this "seasoned" Mom/grandmother. She's raised a bunch of kids to adulthood and is now enjoying a crew of grandkids. Now that I fit in both categories, I figured we'd share some insights.  Launching into the "Moms of young kids have it tough-those early stages are so hard-my heart goes out to them" spiel, I waited for her to share the sympathy I was extending as tribute to all the Moms of little ones that I get to do life with. 


Instead she said "It's not that hard" without batting an eyelash.


I back-pedaled, explaining that I remember how hard it is to lose sleep, decipher frustrated babbles, chase perpetual motion, and press through the irony of feeling isolated when you never have a moment alone.  Here's a summary of her thoughts -


Take a chill pill.  Women have been raising kids since the dawn of time and it's just not as hard as we want to make it.  Sure it's serious business and it's the most valuable job in the universe but, relax.  Buck up, actually.  It's not that hard.


Forget trying to impress others with your FB pictures and "pinnable moments" and just play with your children.  Get your big girl panties on and "look well to the ways of your household".  Quit the whinin'.  Train those kids to obey - without losing your cool - and enjoy them.  Every single stage will pass and each one will have unique joys and challenges.  Don't act like it's impossible to function pleasantly  without sleep and be tough enough to outlast your toddler's tantrums....cheerfully. 


About halfway through her comments, I decided to forego my planned lament about how hard it is to parent adult children!


I reflected.  And recalled a conversation with one of the wisest women I've ever known.  She's long since gone on to collect her reward for surviving a whole handful of children and living victoriously through some marriage AND parenting storms that have leveled plenty of other strong women.  I wanted to know the secret.  Hoping she wouldn't give me the Sunday School answer, I crossed my fingers for some practical advice.


She delivered.


Teach the kids two things - in order of priority -
1.  To persevere patiently
2.  To serve cheerfully
We need to develop the muscle of perseverance in our children so that they can face difficulties and doubts and despair without crumbling.  Let's be honest - at some point, they are going to wonder if the faith they've been taught is the truth...or worth it.  Their marriage commitment is going to be tested.  They are going to be hit with, at best, disappointment, and at worst, devastating loss.  Their ability to handle these curve balls of adversity is based largely on whether or not they have the spiritual and emotional fortitude to hang on. 


The aptitude of serving cheerfully means a person has weaned themselves from the narcissism of thinking "it's all about me".  How I feel, what I want, and who owes me.  If we want our children to develop into healthy, successful adults, it is imperative that we begin early to train them to serve.  Cheerfully.  Notice the needs of others around them and move to meet those needs.  Starts at home.


Good counsel but how do we apply it? Practically speaking.


Here's a couple of suggestions-
1.  Don't solve all their problems for them.  Let them struggle a bit to get their shirt over their head or retrieve the ball they missed.  Or decide which classes to take and whether or not to play baseball this season.
2.  Let them feel the consequences of decisions.  Yes, this will be more painful for you than for them and I am all for rescuing them when it's necessary but be careful of enabling them to be sloppy and forgetful and lazy.  How many times should you make that extra trip to bring the forgotten term paper or practice shoes to them?  Once, maybe twice.  But know that they will make their own necessary adjustments when they've had to run laps or take a zero because of their ineptitude.
3.  Don't treat them like a diva.  Five year olds don't need birthday parties that rival Cinderella's ball and proms should not be treated like a wedding.  Enough said.
4.  Give them repeated opportunities to serve.  Beginning at home.  If you've read anything I've written you know that I consider family chores to be the panacea for pretty much all ills and this is no exception.  Present it to them in terms of serving.  SERVE.  At home and away. 
5.  Let them be mistreated without coming to their defense.  All Mama-Bear claws are aimed in my direction right about NOW!  But seriously, let them "suffer".  Sympathize with them, cry with them, but be very very very very very careful about marching into the appropriate office and demanding retribution.  (In cases of illegal activity, of course I think you better step in but I'm instead talking about "unfair" treatment from a coach or hurtful words from a friend and the like)
6.  Let them see in your life a shining example of cheerful service and patient perseverance.  They won't forget the lessons they see lived in front of them.  Talk plenty, walk more. 


Let's don't make this any harder than it really is :)

Guest post - meet Kaitlin

If any of you are discouraged by the college kids and 20 somethings that surround you, I have good news for you.  There are some exemplary young adults out there and I happen to know a bunch of 'em.  I get to hang out with several from time to time and I am in awe of their maturity, their intellect, their zest for life, their depth, and their walks with the Lord.  I asked one of these "kids" to write a post for me.  Be prepared to be blown away....Meet Kaitlin....

First thing’s first: I don’t know what it means to suffer– I mean, truly suffer. I have never known what it is to be in desperate want of any physical need. I’ve never had to overcome (beyond extended family) the deep sorrow of death. And, by sheer grace, I have never been dealt true tragedy. The Lord has overwhelmed my life with love, joy and provision (via both Him and other people) beyond anything I could possibly deserve. So in terms of a series, guided by my hero Mrs. Suzanne, on guest writers who have undergone sufferings in life, I could not be more unqualified. (And trust me, if I thought she’d be willing to publish a blog post written entirely about how much I love, respect, look up to and want to be her, I would have written that instead.) But when I consider the heart, mind and spirit struggle I’ve wrestled with most in my walk with Him, it has undoubtedly been the longing and waiting for things I want but don’t now have.

 

I’m the youngest of three, and in addition to all the baby-of-the-family trends I likely confirm, my mom often tells the story of having to learn, when I was first born, that to both settle and entertain me, I had to be held facing out. I wanted to see everything. I wanted to be aware of what everyone was doing, part of all that was happening, confident I wasn’t missing out on anything. Fast-forward 23 years, and you find a girl who still hates naps, still is curious about surrounding people and stories, still wants to see all options and still likes to leave all doors open. As a kid, that could be pacified by a quick 180 in Mom’s arms. But as an adult, that often translates to wanting things (specific things, in certain circumstances, in my timing) that the Lord, in His great wisdom and greater love, simply did not choose (or has yet) to grant. So in those times, throughout those struggles, I’ve learned to do two things: (1) examine what He hasn’t given me and the desire ultimately at the root of it, and (2) remember and cling to the truth of the promises He has given me: promises to satisfy, to supply every need and to give me all good things—today, in these circumstances, with or without that thing I long for now.

 

First, in examining what the Lord hasn’t given me, I remember the story of Balaam in Numbers 22. Balaam wants to go forward. He thinks he’s supposed to go forward. He has places to be and things to do that are forward. He was even acting on a call from God to go forward (v. 19). But in that moment, at that point, his annoying donkey wouldn’t let him go. Three times Balaam smacks her in frustration. Because seriously, what’s more agitating than an immovable object (or circumstance or silence) that stands in the way of what you believe to be the perfect path? But the donkey saw something that Balaam could not see (v. 23). The donkey saw an angel of the Lord with a drawn sword, and the angel did not appear, at the moment, to be Balaam’s biggest fan. Despite this undesired delay–an unplanned interruption in Balaam’s seemingly well-laid course–there were greater things happening in the spiritual realm (i.e. a sword-wielding angel) than Balaam could see, and by not allowing Balaam to go forward, despite how much he wanted to at the time, God was actually extending a momentarily incomprehensible grace (for Balaam’s own good) by choosing not to grant what Balaam wanted most. Elisabeth Elliot often says that some of God’s greatest mercies are His refusals. I think she’s right.

 

I am so grateful for the encouraging, challenging, believing friends the Lord has used to bless my life beyond measure and point me to Himself. But sometimes, I think we (“we” being an intentional first-person pronoun, because I can be the most guilty of all) are tempted to give well-intending but misleading assurances that have strayed from roots once found in scripture. For example, I’ve often heard that we should be confident we will receive what we now long for (a specific position, different circumstances, future marriage, even children), because we desire those things, and God has promised to give us the desires of our heart. This is true. Psalm 37:4 confirms that He will. But this promise is given on the condition preceding it: that we delight ourselves in Him, acknowledging that our true and only source of joy, satisfaction, purpose and content is in Him. This means, though, that we don’t ultimately want what we (in our narrow perspective and limited understanding) think we want for us. We want what He wants for us. And this is promised to be far better and far more valuable—both in this life and in the one to come.

 

Second, I remember what He has given me. Confession: for better or worse, I often take Hebrews 4:16 very seriously and confidently declare God’s truth and promises (as found in His Word, not as assumed in my head) before Him­–not because I think He needs to be reminded, but because I know that I do. So I declare them with my mind until I believe them with my heart. God promised that those who seek Him would lack no good thing (Psalm 34:10), meaning that anything I long for now but do not have (at least in my timing and in the form I now desire it) is not good. He promised that just as He watches over and provides for the lilies and sparrows, so He will do for us, because we are worth far more than they (Matt. 10:31). He promised that He knows what I need before I even ask Him (Matt. 6:8). And He promised that if I first seek His Kingdom, that “all these things,” all these things I really need, and all those things I ultimately long for (found at the roots of the things I’m shortsightedly longing for now), will be added to me as well–not according to my timing, my ways or my best-laid plans, but according to His. Thank goodness for that.

 

Even so, there’s a lot I don’t know. I don’t know whether the things I am currently tempted to pity and sorrow over not having are truly good things. They may be things He wants me to persistently ask for in faith (Luke 11:5-13), or the obstacles standing in the way of them (the unknowns, the silences, the seemingly unanswered prayers) may be stubborn but God-ordained donkeys, blocking my path from what I wouldn’t actually want if I could see them for what they truly are. But here’s what I do know: there sure are a lot of incomprehensibly good things He has promised to give those who love and seek Him that I do want (or at least would want, if I could see with His eyes), and yet leave on the table everyday.

 

He has made so many bold and unfathomable promises in return for following Him that are “immeasurably more” than all we could ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20)–worth far more than anything we leave behind, or anything we do not have yet think we lack. He has promised to satisfy us– in the morning with His unfailing love (Psalm 90:14), and with His good, so that our youth is renewed like the eagle’s (Psalm 103:4-5). He has promised that, if we do not grow weary in doing good and do not lose heart, in due season, we will reap (Gal. 6:9). He has promised that, if we dwell in the shelter of the Most High, we will abide in the shadow of the Almighty (Psalm 91:1). He has promised to work and act for us as we wait for Him (Isaiah 64:4). He has promised to bless us as we fear Him (Psalm 115:13). And He has promised that if we humble ourselves under His mighty hand, He will lift us up in due time (1 Pet. 5:6).

 

But perhaps best of all, He has promised that He will not be slow to fulfill those promises as some–like me, in my often faithless impatience and prideful frustration–understand slowness (2 Pet. 3:9). He will give me all good things (as I seek Him and His Kingdom) and will grant my desires (as I delight myself in Him, taking on His desires as my own) in His perfect timing and ways. And He will not delay. So at the end of the day, at the end of those prayers, at the bottom of those tears, I remind myself that even in my earthly desires—which the enemy longs to use to distract me from the only true source of fulfillment, goodness and life—that, ultimately, as Bob Goff said best, “Whatever it is we’re aiming for, God’s better.”

 

But beyond all the truths of Scripture, all the words of Jesus and all the personal testimonies of friends, there is one additional lesson that has given me great assurance, confidence and peace in looking to the Father throughout my periods of uncertainty, of longing and of waiting: watching my own father (fondly referred to, by my two-year-old nephew Hayden, as Dan-Dan) become a granddad to my sister’s precious kids. Maybe it’s because, being the youngest, I didn’t have the chance to watch my dad be a father to other young kids (at least, not any younger than me), but it is truly unreal how much my parents love those two. They are the absolute joy of my parents’ lives. And while Mom provides the unfailing patience and tireless enthusiasm, it is Dad’s deep compassion and quiet love that often strike me most.

 

I think Hayden is, in some ways, the fourth son Dad never had. And for that reason (and many others) I genuinely believe that if there were anything, absolutely anything, Hayden wanted that was (a) good for him and (b) in Dad’s power to give, Dad would give it–as absolutely soon, and in the absolute best way, as he possibly could. But if Hayden asked Dad to let him touch the hot stove (just one time, because it looked so fun, because it surely couldn’t be that bad, because he could make a very thought-out case, because everyone around him said it’d be great) no matter how much Hayden begged, and no matter how much sorrow, resentment and frustration he harbored for being refused, Dad would not say yes. This is not because Dad doesn’t love him, or because Dad doesn’t want him to have all good things or because Dad wants to inflict hurt, but precisely because of the opposite. And in terms of a heavenly Father who loves me even more, I know that, regardless of what I now see and understand—as He gives and takes away, as He answers and remains silent, as He grants and refuses—He is doing the very same, on an infinitely greater scale, for me.

 

Of all the things I long for in life right now, I do not always know which are good, God-given desires and which are hot stoves that I want to touch because, with blinded eyes like Balaam’s, I cannot see them for what they truly are.  But what I do know is that our Father rewards those who earnestly seek Him (Heb. 11:6), He will meet our every need in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19), in His presence there is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11) and at the end of the day, whether with Him and all these things we want, or with Him and Him alone, His grace is, and will always be, sufficient for me (2 Cor. 12:9).
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Yep, this kid is incredible.  One of the most authentically humble, selfless and Christlike people I have ever had the privilege to know.  Take just a few more minutes and listen to her speak at her UGA graduation Spring 2013.
 Kaitlin Miller.....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfPaKC-cQp4


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfPaKC-cQp4

How do you do it all?

I heard it again yesterday and at least 3 times before within a week.  Curious women asking, with perhaps a trace of angst in their voices and defeat on their faces, "How in the world do you manage to do it all?"


So, in case you are wondering, I am going to answer that question for my blog friends.  Same as I answered them.

I DO NOT DO IT ALL.


Period.  I do not do it all.


And I don't even try and I don't even feel a smidge of remorse over it.  Or desire for it.


I have been just as guilty as anyone else to look at someone else and slap the "Epic Fail" label on myself.  Depending on which friend I am focusing on, I come to the conclusion that I should exercise more, clean my house better (or just clean it period), decorate every room simultaneously - looking like House Beautiful yet on the budget of Poor Richard's Almanac - prepare gourmet meals 3x day from wheat and coconut oil that I grind and/or extract myself, write a blog that has ads on it (translation - makes $), publish a book, teach my kids violin and Japanese, give seminars on how to be the perfect wife & mother, have 21 children and adopt 6 more, and definitely SCRAPBOOK ALL THE LOVELY MEMORIES OF EACH CHILD FOR THEIR ENTIRE LIFE.  Yeah, definitely that one.  All the while maintaining an impeccable spirit of patience and kindness and love, and perfectly manicured nails.


If I look at all the folks that can and do those things, I mistakenly believe that they do all of them.  And I am here to set the record straight - they don't.  I don't (do any of them!).  And neither should you. 


Here's what I do:


1. I give grace.
Grace to myself by embracing the truth that I am not designed to "do it all".  Grace for my friends who can't "do it all" either.  And grace for my family by not stressing us all out while I try and pretend that I can.


2.  I prioritize.
While we can't do "it all", we can and should do the "it" we are designed to do!  I constantly assess how I'm doing on keeping my priorities in order.  And I ask for input, even when it's painful...
My husband's needs and desires for our family trump everything else.  This week, he held a conference for his department and vaguely hinted at needing something for the "goody bags".  I offered to make strawberry jam and this took priority over all other projects I had planned.  Note: he didn't insist on this, didn't even really ask for it.  Instead, this was an opportunity for me to bless him and to live out my priorities.
After hubby come kiddos.  Yep, my family comes before church or "ministry".  While I don't (always) jump at whatever the kids are asking me to do, the needs of their schedules and lives take precedence over my Bible studies, my blog, and my friends.  My family IS my ministry!
As the children have gotten older and more independent, I have more disposable time to invest in other places.  But they will always rank higher in the pecking order than anything outside my home.  Especially exercise.........


3.  I outsource and delegate.
BIG on this idea!  I don't do all the cleaning in our home. The kids are largely responsible for the day to day cleanliness of our home (which is why we suggest all our guests be up to date on immunizations...JK)  I do most of the cooking but lunch is most always "YOYO" - You're on your own.
Whatever I can afford to outsource, I do.  I know women who can repair cars, monogram gift items,  and maintain their own heating/cooling systems, but I can't.  Perhaps I should say I don't because I'd like to think I could learn if I had to.....but while we can afford to have someone else do these things, I consider it  my patriotic duty to contribute to the economy by paying to have it done.


4.  I plan ahead.
I am always on the lookout for things I can do ahead of time that will save me time later.  Often, it saves me money as well.  I deliberately choose projects, menus, etc that can be broken up into smaller increments and done a step at a time.  For instance, that strawberry jam I mentioned.  A week before I knew we would need to make jam, I had already purchased and processed scrumptious berries into 3 cup portions and stashed them in the freezer.  Ready for smoothies or my strawberry bread recipe.  Now I could use some of them for strawberry jam.  Same for apples that I grate and store in bags to be used in my apple cake recipe.  Makes end of year teacher gifts a snap.
Speaking of gifts, I have a "gift box" under my bed which houses things I purchase on sale and stash until time for a hostess gift or birthday present.  Helps avoid some of those mad dashes to the store at the last minute.  Saves $ too :)


For me, planning ahead means not putting off what can be accomplished early. That's pretty self-explanatory but just for the sake of example, I'll share that I think it's a good idea to get up early, make up your bed as soon as you get out of it, don't waste time doing meaningless things, and (loosely) plan your day the night before.


And it means being prepared.  Maybe not Y2K proportions, but being prepared saves my hide more times than I can count!  (and the converse is also true.....)


I have some other ideas about organization that help save time, money, and sanity in this series:
Tips for the UNorganized,
Planning ahead really helps me do the "it" I'm called to do!


5. I lower my  expectations.
Now, don't hear what I'm not saying.  I am all for excellence!  My husband just taught this principle to  our Young Marrieds Sunday School class this week.  Yes, I am all for excellence.  But perfectionism and excellence are two different things.
"Excellence" is for the glory of God and the blessing of others.
"Perfectionism" is for the glory of self and a manifestation of pride. 
When I say "lower expectations", I am talking about going back to point #1. Giving grace all around.  Not trying to appear that I have it all together and can do more than someone else.  Not being impatient with people that don't have strengths in the areas I value but instead seeing their strengths as being different than mine and also to be treasured & applauded.
Strive to do the best you can, even in the "little" things but not so that you look good in someone else's eyes.  Do the best you can at that moment, given the resources (sleep, money, energy, giftedness) available to you at that time.  And be content with the results.




6.  I consider timing.
"It all" today won't look like my "it all" next year.  I don't attempt to do all that I am equipped to do at the same time.
  For example, I don't teach a Bible study every semester.  Even though I dearly love to do that and am called to teach women, I don't try to do it nonstop.  I need time to study and prepare...and replenish and maintain my priorities.
I look ahead at the calendar and guard our commitments so that our family as a whole isn't overscheduled.  If my hubby and/or kids have a lot of obligations in a certain week, I don't add to the stress level by hosting a Tupperware party in our home at that time.  And I don't let the kids commit to too many things either...even if "they love it!!"


Psalm 1:3 says
He is like a tree
    planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers


Different seasons are to yield different fruit.  Know which one you're in.  Don't try to produce out of season.
And, in order to keep bearing that fruit and not wither, we need to be sure we are planted so that we continuously receive the Living Water.  Over and over and over.

The Project

Many months ago, I found myself down in the dumps.  In sort of a spiritual desert.  I kept most of my feelings to myself but inside, I felt sad. And discontented.  Actually a bit numb.  And it seemed like I was just going through the motions instead of embracing life. I didn't even feel connected to my Heavenly Father.   I wanted to regain authentic joy and the zest for life I was accustomed to.  But my normal little "pick me ups" didn't deliver.


Waiting til I "felt" like serving and loving wasn't an option.  The demands of my life are the same for  most of you - we have to keep on keeping on in spite of what our emotions register.  So I kept on.  But I wanted it to be more.


God gave me a project.  Apparently He's dispensing the same idea to lots of other folks because a couple of months ago, one of my favorite young women gave me a very popular book that proposes a similar idea.  And I've heard 2-3 other women say they have embarked on kindred undertakings.


Here's what He told me to do.


Keep a list of times where I observe His activity in my life. 

Not a list of things I'm thankful for - although that's a good idea, too.  But rather incidences that remind me that He is at work on my behalf.  Sometimes it's "little" things like finding a recipe for granola bars that I wanted.  Or getting some new contacts that make my life go so much smoother.  Or enjoying the daffodils in my yard.
Or big things like hearing that God spoke to someone through something I said. Or having Him remind me to pay a bill I'd forgotten...before it was overdue!   Or being convicted of sin.  Or seeing Him move in the life of a family member. Or a relationship restored.


I asked Him to open my eyes so that I could see Him at work.  I tried to jot things down every day but some days I missed.


  This "project" proved effective in spite of my omissions.


I just looked back at my lists and noted the dates.  In about six weeks, my spirit was rejuvenated.  I was already leaving the desert.  Hope and joy were blossoming.


I've continued "the project".  I hope I never stop.  I want to always see His hand on my life.


And, if I somehow wander back into that desert, I have a feeling that the project in this spiral bound composition book will be the map to lead me out again.

At the root of it all...

At the end of our driveway, grew some crepe myrtles.  Beautiful bushes.  Deep pink blooms through the summer and brilliant color all fall.  Gorgeous.  Really.

But they grew too large for that spot and, well, it was time for a change.  So we (I use the royal "we"...it was totally my husband!) cut them down, and dug up the roots.  On to the new landscape plan.  Except that those gorgeous crepe myrtles didn't want to leave us.  After we thought we had removed them, they grew back.  We dug up some more and, just to be on the safe side, got a professional tree cutter to dig them out for good.


Or so we thought. 


The following spring, those stubborn crepe myrtles reappeared. Ruining my planting plans at the end of the driveway.  Not gorgeous.  Tacky.


Try as we might, we couldn't seem to rid ourselves of those plants.  They had obviously established for themselves a vast root system.  We could chop off what we could see and even dig out til we thought we had it all, but those persistent roots kept producing fruit.  Fruit that we no longer wanted.


Sigh.


Driving past them today, I had a thought about another obstinate root that all too often grows in the lives of God's people.  Willful and ornery.  And, unlike those crepe myrtles, these roots produce no beauty.  Anywhere.


Bitterness.




Do you know anyone who's bitter?  Have you ever felt those pangs yourself?  I can answer "yes" to both questions.  Bitterness is fairly easy to detect - in someone else, at least! An air of defensiveness.  A desire to "tell their story" over and over.  At least their side of it.  One sided perspective. An attitude that seems to think they deserve better.  An unwillingness to let goodness inside that hard shell in spite of a desperate desire to embrace it.
 We tend to keep our distance from bitter people, just like we would spit out banana peels or coffee grounds to rid ourselves of that taste.  However, just like the initial taste of bitter chocolate or coffee  can become not only tolerable but eventually delicious after repeated exposure, so it is with bitterness that we allow to remain in our own lives.  Keeping it close makes it livable....then comfortable....then preferable.  But to those around us, that cloak of bitterness creates a hard shell of distrust and insensitivity to others - while being over sensitive about our own feelings -, a tension in the relationship, a spirit of ingratitude and rejection.


 Truly, that poisonous root grows up and brings trouble to its host and to all those around.




For Wednesday's Word today, we're going to take a look at what causes bitterness and how to overcome it.
Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:15

 First, how does that root get in our hearts and grow in the first place?


 This verse teaches that it's from failing to receive the grace of God.  What does that mean?  Grace is God's favor that He bestows on us, the power to desire and to obey His will.  He makes it available to us if we humble ourselves before Him -  He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."  James 4:6


Since this passage is written to God's people, it is not referring to the time He grants us grace at the moment of salvation. (Ephesians 2:8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God ).  The passage in Hebrews and the passage in James are a reminder that, just as it is His grace that saves us, so it is His grace that enables us to live a life that pleases Him. (2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work )


God presents us opportunities to need His grace for those good works, about a zillion times a day.  Good works in the form of serving others without being appreciated...or even noticed.  Good works in the form of being content with what we have...instead of comparing our lives to someone else.  Good works in the form of not returning evil for evil....and giving a blessing instead.  Good works as in accepting personal responsibility for sin...instead of blaming your own failure on someone else's.  And especially the good work of forgiving others the debt they owe you...just as God in Christ has forgiven you.


So, how do we fail to receive the grace of God for these good works? 


See James 4:6 again.  And I Peter 5:5.


Yep, you guessed it.  Pride.  The attitude that thinks we deserve better than what we got.


Pride is what blocks our reception of grace.  Pride prevents our ability to receive what we need to live a life of joy and peace and  freedom and obedience.  Pride clings to a belief that we deserve better than we got.  Instead of hope, though, it's more an attitude of entitlement.  One that expects...demands...that life produce better circumstances or gifts or people for us.
But pride never delivers what it demands.




Pride spawns instead...a root of bitterness.


Some of the fruits that grow from this root are


depression (Proverbs 14:10)
cynicism (Hebrews 12:15)
critical, judgmental spirit (Matthew 7:2)
physical ailments (Psalm 32:3-5, Proverbs 14:30)
hypersensitivity of own feelings (Proverbs 26:22)
defensiveness (Matthew 7:5)
anger, envy, resentment, etc




All kinds of things that ruin the landscape plan that God has for our lives.....and those around us..... just like those unwanted crepe myrtles at the end of my driveway.
Unlike those crepe myrtles, though, there's not one thing pretty about bitterness.


So, then, how do we get rid of this poisonous root?


3 basic steps.  They sound simple, but I'll warn you, they are hard.  Digging out those roots is hard work.  And painful.
1.  Accept personal responsibility for the roots
Quit the blame game. Humble yourself. No matter what happens to us, we are in charge of our response.  Own it. Confess the sin to God....and anyone you've poisoned (even if they are the offender!)
2.  Forgive anyone you perceive as an offender  which includes anyone who didn't measure up to your expectations.
This doesn't mean you say "it's ok, no big deal".  Sometimes it's a mighty big deal indeed!  Forgiveness does NOT mean to dismiss the offense.  It means instead that you don't make the other person pay what they owe you. 
This is hard to do.  At least for me.  It takes a lot of work on my part - here's some stuff that helps me along ---
-  Ask God for help.  Tell Him what the other person did and why it hurts.  Then ask for His help in forgiving them
- Pray for the other person (no, not "God, get them and get them good!")  Pray for God's blessing in the life of your offender
- "Invest" in them by showing them love.  God will give you the ideas if you ask Him.
3 .Trust God when He says He is at work on your behalf, bringing good to those who love and obey Him.  See Him as the giver of good gifts.  Instead of blaming Him - and others - for what you perceive as "shortfall". And, ask Him if your expectations need adjustment........
Open your eyes to the good gifts and thank Him.  Then, thank Him even for the offenses.  (I Thessalonians 5:8 -- when it says "everything", it means "EVERY thing"!!)  Know that His ways are above our ways.  He is the ultimate alchemist...turning what others meant for evil, into our good.


Pulling out the root of bitterness.  Hard work.  Long hard work, sometimes.  Repeated efforts, sometimes.
But, just like those crepe myrtles needed to go before the plan of beauty I had in mind for my driveway could be developed, so it is with bitterness. Removal of bitterness makes room for beauty.
The very process of "bitterness removal" can accomplish what God had in mind in the first place...




Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need   Hebrews 4:16


Next time you drive by my house, take a look to see if we've still got a few roots to eradicate.  Better yet, let's grant one another access to our hearts and help each other be ready for God's planting.  It's so much prettier than anything we can produce on our own!


P.S. - next time, I will share a very practical project that helps with the root-pulling!!